Silent Night
Silent night, holy night
All is calm, All is bright
Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child
Holy Infant so Tender and mild,
Sleep in heavenly peace,
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Silent night, holy night
Shepherds quake at the sight
Glories stream from heaven afar;
Heavenly hosts sing Al-le-lu-ia
Christ the Saviour is born
Christ the Saviour is born.
Silent night, holy night
Wondrous star, lend thy light
With the angels let us sing
Alleluia to our King
Christ the Saviour is here,
Jesus the Saviour is here
Silent night, Holy night
Son of God, love's pure light
Radiant beams from Thy holy face,
With the dawn of redeeming grace,
Jesus Lord at thy birth;
Jesus Lord at thy birth.
This song as rung in my ears since losing Clara. Now, I hear it all of the time because it is a Christmas song. It does bring me peace, and although it touches my heart, it's in a good way. It reminds me that my Clara is at peace, that everything is okay, and that she is watching us from Heaven. As I've said before, her name means Clear and Bright, our little clear and bright star, shining down from Heaven to light our darkest nights.
This holiday season is very hard. Not only are we dealing with not having Clara with us this Christmas, we are dealing with her 1st birthday coming so quickly. Clara was named after the Sugar Plum Fairy in the Nutcracker. A symbol of Christmas. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I wrapped Clara all up in it. This time last year, things were already going wrong, we just didn't know. She was struggling and starving. I can't help but think about what she may have endured. What is fact and what is my worry, I will never know. She stopped growing at 23 weeks, which would have been around Dec. 11th, 2011. I felt her slow down in her movements. I was worried. At her 24 week appt, it was still too soon to tell that she had stopped growing, and something could be wrong. Any change in her measurements were in very normal variants. Throughout week 24, I grew more concerned. She was moving, but it was definitely slower and weaker. Christmas Eve, I was very worried. She was so sluggish. She used to be so active. But, I didn't want to ruin Christmas for everyone by rushing to the hospital for something that was probably nothing. You see, I did not yet believe that my baby could die. You can only truly believe that when you baby does die. You worry and fear it, but you don't believe it. Christmas day, 25 weeks, she moved more! My Christmas present from her. I thought that I had been worried for nothing. She had just been going through a growth spurt, which happens around her age. The next few days we were very busy. I again noticed that she had slowed down in her movements. We had to schedule the ultrasound to check on her cyst, but we were going to make it for the end of January. Ken suggested that we should make it for as soon as possible because of my worry. The ultrasound would reassure us that she was fine, just being a difficult baby and scaring us. I called and scheduled her ultrasound for January 5th, 2012. It was only a few days away.
The day of her ultrasound came and the first thing we saw was her head. The cyst was gone!! YAY!! The ultrasound tech showed us the different sections of her brain, one section looks like a butterfly and the tech said that means that Clara's brain where the cyst was looked perfect. We were so excited! Then suddenly, everything went wrong. Clara's head was measuring at 23 weeks. She was now almost 27 weeks. Too much of a difference to be okay. There was low amniotic fluid, and Clara's heartbeat was very irregular. It kept dropping and then coming back up. I thought that we were going to watch her die. We went to the MFM specialist right away, but Clara looked better. Still low fluid, but not as low. Her heart was steady and strong, but she was still very small. We were reasurred however that she would make it for at least the next 2 weeks. I would meet with my doctor again in 1 week, and we would just take it one week at a time.
January 12th, 2012. I went to my final doctor appointment with Clara. I was terrified. I hadn't felt her move at all that day. The last time I felt her move, her movement seemed weird to me. She had kicked out and I felt her head hit one side, and her feet his my other side. I hadn't felt her move since. I didn't know that that kick was her body's final fight to live, but I am glad that I remember her final movement clearly. The horrible words, no heartbeat. Seeing her tiny lifeless body on that ultrasound and knowing that it was too late to save her. I had failed her incredibly so. That horrible feeling of how to tell Ken, the kids.
Friday, January 13th, 2012, 5:04 pm. At almost 28 weeks, my darling baby was born. Not screaming, and not flailing. Still and silent, but perfect. We held her and loved her. Kissed her and dressed her. She was the most perfect thing ever to be born. A tiny 1 lb 9 oz, 13 1/2 inches long. Dark hair, and tiny everything! Mouth, eyes, nose, 10 fingers and toes. Finger and toe nails. I longed for her to wake up. I wanted her to wake up and be okay. But, she had already gone to Heaven. We got pictures of her. We baptised her. When it was time to say good-bye, I held her one last time and tried to memorize everything about her. Then, I let her go. I watched the nurse wheel her away from me. I didn't cry, I didn't scream. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
January 16th, 2012. We buried our baby. Her funeral was perfect and beautiful. We got to the mortuary and she was there. Beautiful and perfect. We touched her and smiled at her. Showed off her tiny head and all of her hair to our family. The casket was closed and the 5 of us got to ride together one last time as we drove to her grave. Ken carried his little girl to her grave site, and Nathan walked proudly beside him. Belle and I followed. We held her service, and too soon, it was time to go. I was the last one to leave her side. As I walked away, I looked back at her casket and saw the funeral director standing tall and stoically next to Clara. That brought me peace to know that a father was standing next to my baby and would make sure that she was burying lovingly and carefully.
I haven't looked at my baby since January 16th, 2012. I haven't touched her since that day either. I haven't held her since her birthday. I miss her more each day. I replay all of this in my mind everyday right now. This is the time last year that my baby was fighting her silent battle to live. This is the time last year that my family was still blissfully unaware that we could lose her. This time last year, we were all so happy and didn't carry this heavy burden of loss. We lost Clara, we lost all of our hopes and dreams for her, we lost experiencing life with her. I don't know if we could have changed anything, but I search for a possibility that we could have changed everything.
Amazingly, we still have hope. I have hope that it will be okay some day. We remember Clara and honor her memory in many ways. Times have changed, and people now understand that it is much better to let yourself and your loved ones grieve, and grieve how they need to. People used to have to bury their pain with their loved ones, but now we are encouraged to seek out support and to talk about our loved ones. We always remember Clara, and carry her with us in our hearts.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Forever a Part of Us
Well, we made it through Halloween. There was a sadness surrounding it, but we still had a fun time. Bella was a witch, and Nathan was the grim reaper. As I've said before, Bella and Clara were both going to be Snow White for Halloween this year. Belle has a Snow White costume, and we have a baby one that was Belle's when she was little. Clara's not here to be Snow White, so there was no way that Bella was going to be Snow White either. We went to a trunk or treat activity the day before Halloween, and when we were almost finished, I looked up and saw a baby that would have been around Clara's age, dressed as Snow White, then next to her, I saw her big sister, around Belle's age, also dressed as Snow White. My heart dropped. I quickly looked at Belle to see if she had noticed the sisters, and she had. My poor babe. She was staring at them with her mouth open, and shock on her little face. I asked her if she was okay, and she said yes. She asked me if I was okay, and I told her yes too. It made Belle sad though, and the rest of the night she was sad about Clara. Right before bed, Belle was still sad so I came up with a brilliant idea! I told her to go get her Clara Cat (a stuffed cat that I made that is the exact height and weight that Clara was. Both of the kids have one), and the baby Snow White dress. I dressed Clara Cat up in the costume and handed her to Bella. Bella was SO SO happy! She smiled and loved that she had something to hold that made her feel like Clara was close to her. I told her that if she was very careful, she could take Clara Cat to school for the Halloween parade and party. I didn't want her to have to watch other brothers and sisters with their baby siblings all dressed up with nothing to show for it. She loved that! She told me the next day that she put the Clara Cat on her broomstick and walked that way throughout the parade. I was very happy for her.
I hate it! I hate that we have to go through our lives missing someone that we love so much! I hate that my children have to know this pain at such young ages. They have to miss out on things that they would have done with Clara, and they have to carry this pain with them and silently watch while others get to enjoy their precious miracles. It's definitely not fair.
We had decorated Clara's grave for Halloween a week and a half before Halloween and it looked awesome! Unfortunately, the day after we decorated it, we had a big storm come through with strong winds, rain, and snow. I was so worried that her Halloween decorations would have been blown away and ruined from the storm so I didn't want to go up to see her until after the holiday clean-up. I couldn't wait however, so the day after Halloween, I went up to the cemetery to visit with her. As I walked to her grave, I saw that ALL of her decorations were still there and none were ruined from the water! Amazing! I was so so happy! I collected them all so that we would have them, some to put in her memory box, others to save for next year. I placed fresh flowers on her grave and felt such peace. There were little Halloween toys that another angel mama had put on Clara's grave! So great that Clara was thought about! I know some of the angel mama's now!!! I have been thinking of them since we buried Clara, and now I know some! I met them through my support group, and I was so happy to find out that their babies were buried next to Clara! We had left Trick or Treat bags on the angel babies graves that we know when we decorated Clara's grave. It meant so much to those families to know that their babies were thought about too. Nathan and Isabel think it's pretty neat that we "know" some of the babies that are laying with Clara. It was starting to get dark so I knew that I couldn't stay for long, but it felt so inviting to just stay. I looked around at the cemetery and it felt so alive. There were many decorations on the graves for Halloween and for fall, and in the dusk, all of the colors were a bit muted, so everything seemed quiet and peaceful. I walked around a bit just enjoying the quietness. I thought that this was the perfect place for my baby to lie forever. It is so sad to have my daughter laying in that ground, but I also felt some peace about it because I know that she was laying in a place that felt so perfect. I can't put into words how welcoming the cemetery was that night. I really really didn't want to leave, but I knew that they would be locking the gates soon because it was almost dark, so I had to force myself to leave, but I could have easily slept there that night.
People always tell me how strong I am, and how well I'm doing in dealing with Clara's death. Sometimes people don't think about the fact that every day I have to deal with Clara's death and it's definitely an uphill battle, so they say hurtful things. Sometimes I just wish that for a moment, others could understand my pain, and know that it's not something to get over or something that will ever go away. I am torn apart by her dying and I know that neither my heart nor my mind will ever be the same. I am in the place that I am today because of my support groups, seeing my counselor, and talking with those that will listen. These are things that I know that I am no where near ready to stop. I definitely have a lot of help to be able to function as I do. There are times when I feel almost normal, and other times that I have no choice except to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is okay even though my heart is crying.
Here are a couple of poems that I read that I really like:
Ask My Mom How She Is
My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say"I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how she is
She seems to cope so well,
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken
She'll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say,
"You're lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you told!"
Author Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Hear Each Tear Fall On Her Face
My mom doesn't know
I'm watching her
But I'm watching her just the same
and I hear each tear fall on her face
at the very mention of my name.
She says it sounds like
music to her ears
and can be heard over a crowd
Oh, I hear each tear fall on her face
when my name is said aloud.
I watch her stumble through each day
as she wishes the day would end
and I hear each tear fall on her face
as she talks of me with her friends.
But there are few
who truly understand
oh this I've heard her proclaim
and I hear each tear fall on her face
Will my mom ever be the same?
I know her smiles light up the sky
but I don't see that smile today
oh but I hear each tear
fall on her face
Her blue skies have turned to gray.
Oh I send to her my warmest hug
with the rays of morning sun
then, I won't hear a tear on her face
for I shall erase them one by one.
Yes, my mom doesn't know I'm watching her
but I'm watching just the same
and if I hear a tear fall on her face
I'll softly whisper her name.
Author: Kaye Des'Ormeaux
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Music, poems, talking to others that know how this feels, talking with anyone who will listen. These are the things that help so much. The biggest fear of an angel mom is that their baby will be forgotten, that their baby doesn't matter to anyone else but them. To have someone say their name, or to remember a special date, means everything to an angel mom, because even though we might have Earth children to hold and to love, we cannot hold that dear child that is also always in our hearts. Our Earth children bring us joy and happiness and are able to make their own mark on this world, while our Angel child is always in our hearts, but never in our arms, but ours just the same.
I hate it! I hate that we have to go through our lives missing someone that we love so much! I hate that my children have to know this pain at such young ages. They have to miss out on things that they would have done with Clara, and they have to carry this pain with them and silently watch while others get to enjoy their precious miracles. It's definitely not fair.
 |
| Bella feeling better after dressing up Clara Cat in the Snow White costume. |
We had decorated Clara's grave for Halloween a week and a half before Halloween and it looked awesome! Unfortunately, the day after we decorated it, we had a big storm come through with strong winds, rain, and snow. I was so worried that her Halloween decorations would have been blown away and ruined from the storm so I didn't want to go up to see her until after the holiday clean-up. I couldn't wait however, so the day after Halloween, I went up to the cemetery to visit with her. As I walked to her grave, I saw that ALL of her decorations were still there and none were ruined from the water! Amazing! I was so so happy! I collected them all so that we would have them, some to put in her memory box, others to save for next year. I placed fresh flowers on her grave and felt such peace. There were little Halloween toys that another angel mama had put on Clara's grave! So great that Clara was thought about! I know some of the angel mama's now!!! I have been thinking of them since we buried Clara, and now I know some! I met them through my support group, and I was so happy to find out that their babies were buried next to Clara! We had left Trick or Treat bags on the angel babies graves that we know when we decorated Clara's grave. It meant so much to those families to know that their babies were thought about too. Nathan and Isabel think it's pretty neat that we "know" some of the babies that are laying with Clara. It was starting to get dark so I knew that I couldn't stay for long, but it felt so inviting to just stay. I looked around at the cemetery and it felt so alive. There were many decorations on the graves for Halloween and for fall, and in the dusk, all of the colors were a bit muted, so everything seemed quiet and peaceful. I walked around a bit just enjoying the quietness. I thought that this was the perfect place for my baby to lie forever. It is so sad to have my daughter laying in that ground, but I also felt some peace about it because I know that she was laying in a place that felt so perfect. I can't put into words how welcoming the cemetery was that night. I really really didn't want to leave, but I knew that they would be locking the gates soon because it was almost dark, so I had to force myself to leave, but I could have easily slept there that night.
 |
| The cutest decorated grave in the cemetery! |
 |
| Brother decorating his sisters' grave. |
 |
| Belle's letters to Clara. |
People always tell me how strong I am, and how well I'm doing in dealing with Clara's death. Sometimes people don't think about the fact that every day I have to deal with Clara's death and it's definitely an uphill battle, so they say hurtful things. Sometimes I just wish that for a moment, others could understand my pain, and know that it's not something to get over or something that will ever go away. I am torn apart by her dying and I know that neither my heart nor my mind will ever be the same. I am in the place that I am today because of my support groups, seeing my counselor, and talking with those that will listen. These are things that I know that I am no where near ready to stop. I definitely have a lot of help to be able to function as I do. There are times when I feel almost normal, and other times that I have no choice except to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is okay even though my heart is crying.
Here are a couple of poems that I read that I really like:
Ask My Mom How She Is
My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say"I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how she is
She seems to cope so well,
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken
She'll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say,
"You're lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you told!"
Author Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Hear Each Tear Fall On Her Face
My mom doesn't know
I'm watching her
But I'm watching her just the same
and I hear each tear fall on her face
at the very mention of my name.
She says it sounds like
music to her ears
and can be heard over a crowd
Oh, I hear each tear fall on her face
when my name is said aloud.
I watch her stumble through each day
as she wishes the day would end
and I hear each tear fall on her face
as she talks of me with her friends.
But there are few
who truly understand
oh this I've heard her proclaim
and I hear each tear fall on her face
Will my mom ever be the same?
I know her smiles light up the sky
but I don't see that smile today
oh but I hear each tear
fall on her face
Her blue skies have turned to gray.
Oh I send to her my warmest hug
with the rays of morning sun
then, I won't hear a tear on her face
for I shall erase them one by one.
Yes, my mom doesn't know I'm watching her
but I'm watching just the same
and if I hear a tear fall on her face
I'll softly whisper her name.
Author: Kaye Des'Ormeaux
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Music, poems, talking to others that know how this feels, talking with anyone who will listen. These are the things that help so much. The biggest fear of an angel mom is that their baby will be forgotten, that their baby doesn't matter to anyone else but them. To have someone say their name, or to remember a special date, means everything to an angel mom, because even though we might have Earth children to hold and to love, we cannot hold that dear child that is also always in our hearts. Our Earth children bring us joy and happiness and are able to make their own mark on this world, while our Angel child is always in our hearts, but never in our arms, but ours just the same.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Remembering Her
There are so few times that we get to publicly remember our little girl, so the times that we do, we cherish. October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, and events all over the country, and the world, are held in honor and remembrance of babies that have died. This year, we participated in a few! On October 13th, we attended a Walk of Remembrance and Hope. It was amazing! I had been looking forward to this walk since right after Clara died. I loved being around other families that have also experienced baby loss, people that truly know how I feel and what my family is going through. We also had my sister and her daughter, my grandma, and Ken's mom come to support us and to remember Clara. I was so touched that they came! The service was wonderful and the walk was beautiful. We also did a balloon release and a name reading. When your baby's name was read, you released your balloon to Heaven. So powerful!! The sky was filled with balloons and it was really emotional to see how many babies in this one venue, in one city, have died.
On October 14th, a wonderful group in another state, held a walk to remember their babies, and other people's babies. They remembered over 600 babies. Every name was written on a banner, and every name was added to a video that they made in remembrance. Clara was one of the babies remembered by this group. I was so incredibly touched that people that I don't even know took their time to remember MY baby. I have a few pictures of her name on the banner, and the video that shows her name.
October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Candles were lit all over the world at 7 pm their time, in remembrance of babies that have died. Although I couldn't light a candle at 7 because I wasn't home, I thought of my Clara, and all of the other babies gone too soon. It was great to have a special time to remember my daughter, and to tell the world that I have a daughter that died, and I love her, miss her, and will always remember her.
October 13th was also Clara's 9 month angelversary. Wow. I was telling Ken that now, babies that were conceived after Clara died, would be being born. It's a very strange feeling to know that new babies are here that didn't even exist when Clara died. It's hard to even wrap my head around it. But now starts a new journey because that is just how it will be from now on.
I think of Clara in Heaven, and I always imagine her so happy. I think of her with Lydia, and with other family members that have died. Just recently, I thought of her with our other baby that died early in my pregnancy before Clara. Right before I miscarried that baby, I had a dream that I was miscarrying and that that baby was a girl, and since I knew from early on what gender all of my other kids were, that baby was a girl. I've never done anything to really remember that baby, it was early in my pregnancy, and although it DID hurt, losing Clara was infinitely worse. I still do think about that baby too though, and sometimes I feel guilty that I don't think of "her" more. I have my hospital bracelet from when I went to the hospital when I was miscarrying that baby, and my positive pregnancy test. I actually put those items in a separate bag inside Clara's memory box. I know that some people name their babies that they lost early on in their pregnancies, and that sometimes, counselors even recommend having women name these babies to help them handle their grief, but I just can't think about different names to name my other dead baby, so I will just call her Angel Baby. So, back to my point :) I now sometimes think of Clara with her other "big" sister. I think of Clara and her angel sister together and waiting for us to one day join them. I don't know when the soul enters the body. Is it immediately upon conception? Or at some specific point during pregnancy? Did that baby have a soul? But I do believe that that baby did have a soul, and if she did, then of course her soul would be in Heaven with Clara. It's very hard to imagine that baby, or what she would look like. But I can imagine them together, and with Lydia. Three little girls together. It's a nice feeling.
The holidays are coming........I don't know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm so sad that my baby isn't here with us to celebrate the holidays with us. We will do everything we can to remember her during these days. Like I said before, there is a difference to being an Earth parent, and an Angel parent. We do our best to be the best parents to all our children. I want to be, and am, excited for Taters and Bella for the holidays, kids LOVE THEM!!! I'm also sad for me, Ken, and for them. Every day the holidays, and her 1st birthday, are getting closer, and every day, a little more weight is added to my shoulders about it. For Halloween, Clara was going to be baby Snow White, and Bella was going to be big Snow White. We already have both costumes, because the baby Snow White was Belle's when she was a baby. Both costumes are hanging in Belle's closet. I was going to put the baby Snow White costume away, but Bella wants it in her room still. She's sad that they can't be Snow White together. Thanksgiving....what am I thankful for? A lot. My health, my families health, my children and wonderful husband. I'm also angry that my baby girl is dead. Christmas....last Christmas, we were already thinking of how this Christmas, Clara would be here! We talked about how last Christmas was our last Christmas with the 4 of us, and how we would be shopping for 3 little ones next Christmas. Well, that's not going to happen. I was thinking of her Christmas stocking that I would make her, just like the ones that I made for Nathan and Isabel. It would have the Sugar Plum Fairy on it, because that's who she's named after. We would watch the Nutcracker and point out the Fairy to her. I will still make her stocking, and we will still hang it up, and maybe we will watch the Nutcracker, but maybe we won't. Either way, she'll be our Christmas Angel. New Years.....Clara was born in 2012, and once we leave 2012 behind, it feels that we are another step further from her. Part of me doesn't want to leave her behind, or to move on without her, but time doesn't stop and we are constantly moving on without her. I'm also looking forward to 2013 because 13 is Clara's number, and I hope that 2013 will be filled with hope and wonderful things. Her birthday.....more than that. Her birthday signifies that we have passed every day in the year without her. We should be celebrating her 1st birthday, giving her her first taste of cake. We have plans on what we will be doing that day, and it will be a day about Clara, but God I wish this whole situation was different. I have some ideas on how to make the Holidays easier on all of us, and I hope it helps, but I also know that a part of us will be grieving for the baby that is not with us on Earth.
It's also hard right now because we have memories of her from this time last year. I got pregnant with her in July, and that started a time when Clara was here "this time last year", but not having her be here now. I know when she was conceived, when I got that beautiful pregnancy test. The 1st time that I heard her heart beating, and the 1st time that I saw her. When we told the kids that she was coming and how happy they were. Announcing her imminent arrival to our families and friends! Feeling her move for the 1st time, hearing her heartbeat on my home doppler for the 1st time. The kids and Ken feeling her move! Watching my belly grow. Learning her sleep/awake patterns, and what made her kick more, and how she likes me to rub my belly. Feeling her snuggle up next to my organs, ouch! Proudly showing off my pregnant belly, and having people know that I was pregnant! Watching baby/birth shows, and dreaming about when she was going to be here. Preparing for her birth, and getting ready to sign the kids up for Big Brother/Big Sister classes! And then it all ended. Suddenly and tragically. Every hope, dream, and fantasy we had about her was destroyed. A bit after finding out that she was a girl, I remember walking up the stairs and just being so excited that we got to do the whole girl thing all over again! I had wanted a boy at first, but after knowing she was a girl, I was thrilled! We would get to do the hair bows, and princesses, and fancy dresses again! And now, I wouldn't be able to because now she is our Angel Girl.
We will always remember and think of our Clara. Although the heartache is great, and sometimes overwhelming, I embrace it because it means that Clara mattered to us, and that we love her and miss her. I would do it all over again for her, and I wouldn't trade her or this pain. I am THANKFUL that Clara is mine. Although I can't be an Earth mother to her, I can, and will be, the best Angel mother to her that I can be!
Releasing Clara's and Lydia's balloon to Heaven!
On October 14th, a wonderful group in another state, held a walk to remember their babies, and other people's babies. They remembered over 600 babies. Every name was written on a banner, and every name was added to a video that they made in remembrance. Clara was one of the babies remembered by this group. I was so incredibly touched that people that I don't even know took their time to remember MY baby. I have a few pictures of her name on the banner, and the video that shows her name.
Part of the banner
Close-up of Clara's name!
October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Candles were lit all over the world at 7 pm their time, in remembrance of babies that have died. Although I couldn't light a candle at 7 because I wasn't home, I thought of my Clara, and all of the other babies gone too soon. It was great to have a special time to remember my daughter, and to tell the world that I have a daughter that died, and I love her, miss her, and will always remember her.
October 13th was also Clara's 9 month angelversary. Wow. I was telling Ken that now, babies that were conceived after Clara died, would be being born. It's a very strange feeling to know that new babies are here that didn't even exist when Clara died. It's hard to even wrap my head around it. But now starts a new journey because that is just how it will be from now on.
I think of Clara in Heaven, and I always imagine her so happy. I think of her with Lydia, and with other family members that have died. Just recently, I thought of her with our other baby that died early in my pregnancy before Clara. Right before I miscarried that baby, I had a dream that I was miscarrying and that that baby was a girl, and since I knew from early on what gender all of my other kids were, that baby was a girl. I've never done anything to really remember that baby, it was early in my pregnancy, and although it DID hurt, losing Clara was infinitely worse. I still do think about that baby too though, and sometimes I feel guilty that I don't think of "her" more. I have my hospital bracelet from when I went to the hospital when I was miscarrying that baby, and my positive pregnancy test. I actually put those items in a separate bag inside Clara's memory box. I know that some people name their babies that they lost early on in their pregnancies, and that sometimes, counselors even recommend having women name these babies to help them handle their grief, but I just can't think about different names to name my other dead baby, so I will just call her Angel Baby. So, back to my point :) I now sometimes think of Clara with her other "big" sister. I think of Clara and her angel sister together and waiting for us to one day join them. I don't know when the soul enters the body. Is it immediately upon conception? Or at some specific point during pregnancy? Did that baby have a soul? But I do believe that that baby did have a soul, and if she did, then of course her soul would be in Heaven with Clara. It's very hard to imagine that baby, or what she would look like. But I can imagine them together, and with Lydia. Three little girls together. It's a nice feeling.
The holidays are coming........I don't know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm so sad that my baby isn't here with us to celebrate the holidays with us. We will do everything we can to remember her during these days. Like I said before, there is a difference to being an Earth parent, and an Angel parent. We do our best to be the best parents to all our children. I want to be, and am, excited for Taters and Bella for the holidays, kids LOVE THEM!!! I'm also sad for me, Ken, and for them. Every day the holidays, and her 1st birthday, are getting closer, and every day, a little more weight is added to my shoulders about it. For Halloween, Clara was going to be baby Snow White, and Bella was going to be big Snow White. We already have both costumes, because the baby Snow White was Belle's when she was a baby. Both costumes are hanging in Belle's closet. I was going to put the baby Snow White costume away, but Bella wants it in her room still. She's sad that they can't be Snow White together. Thanksgiving....what am I thankful for? A lot. My health, my families health, my children and wonderful husband. I'm also angry that my baby girl is dead. Christmas....last Christmas, we were already thinking of how this Christmas, Clara would be here! We talked about how last Christmas was our last Christmas with the 4 of us, and how we would be shopping for 3 little ones next Christmas. Well, that's not going to happen. I was thinking of her Christmas stocking that I would make her, just like the ones that I made for Nathan and Isabel. It would have the Sugar Plum Fairy on it, because that's who she's named after. We would watch the Nutcracker and point out the Fairy to her. I will still make her stocking, and we will still hang it up, and maybe we will watch the Nutcracker, but maybe we won't. Either way, she'll be our Christmas Angel. New Years.....Clara was born in 2012, and once we leave 2012 behind, it feels that we are another step further from her. Part of me doesn't want to leave her behind, or to move on without her, but time doesn't stop and we are constantly moving on without her. I'm also looking forward to 2013 because 13 is Clara's number, and I hope that 2013 will be filled with hope and wonderful things. Her birthday.....more than that. Her birthday signifies that we have passed every day in the year without her. We should be celebrating her 1st birthday, giving her her first taste of cake. We have plans on what we will be doing that day, and it will be a day about Clara, but God I wish this whole situation was different. I have some ideas on how to make the Holidays easier on all of us, and I hope it helps, but I also know that a part of us will be grieving for the baby that is not with us on Earth.
It's also hard right now because we have memories of her from this time last year. I got pregnant with her in July, and that started a time when Clara was here "this time last year", but not having her be here now. I know when she was conceived, when I got that beautiful pregnancy test. The 1st time that I heard her heart beating, and the 1st time that I saw her. When we told the kids that she was coming and how happy they were. Announcing her imminent arrival to our families and friends! Feeling her move for the 1st time, hearing her heartbeat on my home doppler for the 1st time. The kids and Ken feeling her move! Watching my belly grow. Learning her sleep/awake patterns, and what made her kick more, and how she likes me to rub my belly. Feeling her snuggle up next to my organs, ouch! Proudly showing off my pregnant belly, and having people know that I was pregnant! Watching baby/birth shows, and dreaming about when she was going to be here. Preparing for her birth, and getting ready to sign the kids up for Big Brother/Big Sister classes! And then it all ended. Suddenly and tragically. Every hope, dream, and fantasy we had about her was destroyed. A bit after finding out that she was a girl, I remember walking up the stairs and just being so excited that we got to do the whole girl thing all over again! I had wanted a boy at first, but after knowing she was a girl, I was thrilled! We would get to do the hair bows, and princesses, and fancy dresses again! And now, I wouldn't be able to because now she is our Angel Girl.
We will always remember and think of our Clara. Although the heartache is great, and sometimes overwhelming, I embrace it because it means that Clara mattered to us, and that we love her and miss her. I would do it all over again for her, and I wouldn't trade her or this pain. I am THANKFUL that Clara is mine. Although I can't be an Earth mother to her, I can, and will be, the best Angel mother to her that I can be!
Monday, October 8, 2012
Fate, Destiny, Choice, Sacrifice, Hope
Of all the words in the title of this post, I don't know which one to pick to describe my feelings about this post, maybe it is all of them.
There is that awful saying that everything happens for a reason. But what is the reason for any baby dying? For my baby dying? An idea has come together over the last few months while I've been talking to people about Clara and why she died, and thinking of why she died. A beautiful and amazingly altruistic idea. I don't even know if I can put it correctly into words, but we will see.
When I first went back to work after Clara died, one of my co-workers told me how sorry she was and that she didn't know what I believed, but she believed that because Clara was so perfect, she didn't even have to be born to do what she needed to do in this life. At the time, it didn't give me comfort because I was still having a hard time even believing what had happened, but I kept it in my mind. Every so often, I would think of what she said, and it began to feel more and more right. I recently spoke with my counselor about it and went on with my own ideas that I had been thinking of, and that had been said to me. Here's what I came to realize. I don't know if I would have ever found out about my heart defect if we had not planned on bringing Clara into this life. The only reason I went to have it checked again was because I wanted to have another baby and I wanted to make sure it was safe. My doctor said to go ahead and try, it should be safe because I've had 2 other kids, but let's do another test just to be sure. So, we tried, and I got pregnant right away, and then the test came back that there was something wrong. Something wrong enough that could kill me, and made my doctors surprised that I had done so much physically. But, if that was all of her purpose, why didn't she die before we knew about her? There must be more. It was scary to go through a pregnancy knowing that my heart was defective. I tried not to think of it much, but I still did. My goal was to get Clara to an age where she could survive outside of me if I couldn't support her anymore. I did that. She was old enough to live. Once she was old enough, I relaxed a lot. I didn't know that she was already struggling. I didn't know that this pregnancy was already doomed. All I knew was that my baby could live, and I would die for her to live. But, that's not what happened. She died on me. She left me. I delivered her and really found out how strong I was, and how strong my family was. Another lesson. Since we have let her go, and gone through hell without her, we have grown stronger and closer. For me, my defenses were all ripped away. It was horrible and traumatic and incredibly hard, but I became vulnerable and had to be more open because the emotions that came pouring out were more than I could handle on my own. I needed others, and I had to confront the feelings and emotions that were racing through my head. I had to be honest about those emotions and open to others to help with those emotions. It's definitely still a work in progress, but I can empathize with people now, and I've found that as I'm more honest with my emotions, I've been able to develop close emotional relationships with people. Amazing. It was Clara's sacrifice that changed everything. If she had died before we ever knew her, I would have still found out about my heart, and we would have been spared this grief, but we would have also missed out on a life-changing event. A chance to change who we are that is only given through great trauma, a great loss. And, even more, missed out on knowing a beautiful little girl.
When I had my post-partum check-up with my doctor, we talked a lot about possible causes. The part that relates to this post is something that my doctor said. After going through all of Clara's ultrasounds, pathology reports, amnio reports, having had examined her after her birth, my doctor said she couldn't tell us why Clara died, but by what she saw, or didn't see, maybe it was fate that my little girl wasn't here with us. Maybe she just wasn't destined to be here long. That was hard to hear when I just lost my baby, but once it has time to settle in, it made a certain kind of sense. So, maybe Clara had a decision to make. A choice to come to us and stay for such a short time, but to change everything, or a different choice, with a different outcome. Maybe, because of her great love for us, she chose to be here for a short time. Knowing that she would never get to feel the warmth of the sun, or to laugh at her brother or sister, or to get kisses from her mommy and daddy. But to touch us all in all the ways that she could not if she were physically here. She knew that our family would survive it. She knew that we would love her so much, that even when we had to let her little body go, we would still carry her with us in our hearts. I have hope, because of her, that we will meet again, and one day, our family will once again be together.
It's such a huge responsibility to think that she gave her life for me, and for the rest of us to learn from her death. In a way, I feel like I should live for her and for me, and then I ask myself, what should I do with my life if that's what I choose? I have so many ideas and they feel right. I am now much more of a complete person, even with my heart broken. I know that it might seem that this could just be reaching, trying to find something good in this horrible situation, but that's not how it feels. I do have faith in what my Clara did, and I fully intend to do something with that faith, because I am not meant to die yet.
There is that awful saying that everything happens for a reason. But what is the reason for any baby dying? For my baby dying? An idea has come together over the last few months while I've been talking to people about Clara and why she died, and thinking of why she died. A beautiful and amazingly altruistic idea. I don't even know if I can put it correctly into words, but we will see.
When I first went back to work after Clara died, one of my co-workers told me how sorry she was and that she didn't know what I believed, but she believed that because Clara was so perfect, she didn't even have to be born to do what she needed to do in this life. At the time, it didn't give me comfort because I was still having a hard time even believing what had happened, but I kept it in my mind. Every so often, I would think of what she said, and it began to feel more and more right. I recently spoke with my counselor about it and went on with my own ideas that I had been thinking of, and that had been said to me. Here's what I came to realize. I don't know if I would have ever found out about my heart defect if we had not planned on bringing Clara into this life. The only reason I went to have it checked again was because I wanted to have another baby and I wanted to make sure it was safe. My doctor said to go ahead and try, it should be safe because I've had 2 other kids, but let's do another test just to be sure. So, we tried, and I got pregnant right away, and then the test came back that there was something wrong. Something wrong enough that could kill me, and made my doctors surprised that I had done so much physically. But, if that was all of her purpose, why didn't she die before we knew about her? There must be more. It was scary to go through a pregnancy knowing that my heart was defective. I tried not to think of it much, but I still did. My goal was to get Clara to an age where she could survive outside of me if I couldn't support her anymore. I did that. She was old enough to live. Once she was old enough, I relaxed a lot. I didn't know that she was already struggling. I didn't know that this pregnancy was already doomed. All I knew was that my baby could live, and I would die for her to live. But, that's not what happened. She died on me. She left me. I delivered her and really found out how strong I was, and how strong my family was. Another lesson. Since we have let her go, and gone through hell without her, we have grown stronger and closer. For me, my defenses were all ripped away. It was horrible and traumatic and incredibly hard, but I became vulnerable and had to be more open because the emotions that came pouring out were more than I could handle on my own. I needed others, and I had to confront the feelings and emotions that were racing through my head. I had to be honest about those emotions and open to others to help with those emotions. It's definitely still a work in progress, but I can empathize with people now, and I've found that as I'm more honest with my emotions, I've been able to develop close emotional relationships with people. Amazing. It was Clara's sacrifice that changed everything. If she had died before we ever knew her, I would have still found out about my heart, and we would have been spared this grief, but we would have also missed out on a life-changing event. A chance to change who we are that is only given through great trauma, a great loss. And, even more, missed out on knowing a beautiful little girl.
When I had my post-partum check-up with my doctor, we talked a lot about possible causes. The part that relates to this post is something that my doctor said. After going through all of Clara's ultrasounds, pathology reports, amnio reports, having had examined her after her birth, my doctor said she couldn't tell us why Clara died, but by what she saw, or didn't see, maybe it was fate that my little girl wasn't here with us. Maybe she just wasn't destined to be here long. That was hard to hear when I just lost my baby, but once it has time to settle in, it made a certain kind of sense. So, maybe Clara had a decision to make. A choice to come to us and stay for such a short time, but to change everything, or a different choice, with a different outcome. Maybe, because of her great love for us, she chose to be here for a short time. Knowing that she would never get to feel the warmth of the sun, or to laugh at her brother or sister, or to get kisses from her mommy and daddy. But to touch us all in all the ways that she could not if she were physically here. She knew that our family would survive it. She knew that we would love her so much, that even when we had to let her little body go, we would still carry her with us in our hearts. I have hope, because of her, that we will meet again, and one day, our family will once again be together.
It's such a huge responsibility to think that she gave her life for me, and for the rest of us to learn from her death. In a way, I feel like I should live for her and for me, and then I ask myself, what should I do with my life if that's what I choose? I have so many ideas and they feel right. I am now much more of a complete person, even with my heart broken. I know that it might seem that this could just be reaching, trying to find something good in this horrible situation, but that's not how it feels. I do have faith in what my Clara did, and I fully intend to do something with that faith, because I am not meant to die yet.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Longing
A little bit ago, I had a dream about Clara. She was so tiny, much tinier than in real life, and she was dead, but she looked so alive. Her eyes opened and it wasn't scary, but beautiful. Her eyes were brown, just like the rest of us. I had been wondering about some of the things that we would always wonder about, and thought about her eye color, so because of this dream, I will say that she would have had beautiful brown eyes.
I had another dream about Clara after that. She was alive but I knew that she was going to die. I held her in my arms, and held her against my chest. I loved her and I didn't want her to die. I wanted her here with us. She grasped my hand with her tiny fingers, and I looked down at her and felt so much love for her. I would die for her if she could live. She looked so weak and fragile. I was able to feed her and that made her perk up a bit. She started to look better! Maybe she will live! I just kept looking at her thinking that she would die at any moment, but praying that she would live and be okay. I know I dreamt this because it's everything I couldn't do for her, but to the very depths of my soul wish that I could have. Hold her living in my arms. Watch her move. Feed her. Try to keep her alive.
I had another dream where I was pregnant with another baby. I hadn't felt that baby move for a day and I just held my stomach crying because I knew that I had lost that baby too. It was terrifying. Dreams take you to so many places that you wouldn't otherwise go. I don't know if these dreams that I've had help or not. In one way, it's nice to have moments with her that I couldn't have otherwise. They say that your mind can't tell the difference between a dream and reality, so maybe because of my dreams, I get to have some moments with her that I don't get in real life. On the other hand, once I wake up, it's hard to let go of her again, because even if my dreams of her aren't so happy, I am still with her and I am still holding her or looking at her or planning on her. I don't want it to be over. I would spend eternity in my dreams if it meant I could be with her. I feel like a part of my soul is always looking for her, wondering where she went and when we will meet again. Sometimes, I wish that I had died with her. It would have been so easy, I just had to not have woken up. My heart was broken, emotionally and physically, but it kept beating and sometimes I wonder how and I wonder why. It sounds incredibly selfish to say these things, especially because I have 2 other children that love me and need me here so much, and a husband that also loves and needs me, but these are thoughts that come, whether I want them to or not.
I always thought that my "light" would come back, but I'm starting to wonder if it will or if it's gone forever. Part of me died when Clara died. Part of me stopped when Clara's body stopped. It's like being in a painting and having a dull color painted over you. You don't have control over it, it just is, and you don't have any energy to stop the color being put on you either, you just don't care. I know there are times when I just shut down emotionally. I just go somewhere in my mind and am disconnected from my emotions and the emotions around me. It's a little scary because it's not something that I can prevent or turn on or off. I'm sure it's a defense mechanism, and it definitely does its job! This year was so traumatic with everything that we went through, with Clara, and with each other. We'll never get better or get over it. It's not something that you can get better from. It's not like one day, we're going to be just fine. Everyone can breath a huge sigh of relief because we're fine now! Thank you for all of your support and understanding! Your compassion and comfort! It was greatly needed during our time of need. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. For me, I am not fine. I am hurt and so very angry and unimaginably heartbroken. People think this will be over? It will never be over. No one can ever give me back what was taken from me. No one can ever make it better. I hate the whispers behind my back of, "that's the girl with the baby", and the understanding "oh" and nod. I pretend to ignore it. Maybe I should wear a sign that says, "Yes, I'm THAT girl with the dead baby. Any questions?" My anger is so strong at times, and I just want someone to say something rude, or push me when I'm walking on the street just so that I can yell at them and let out that hurt and anger. Take it out on them and make them feel as bad as I do. One little thing can anger me so much. I used to be able to control it much better, but not now. I feel it burning in me and I have no way to disperse it. Maybe one day.
I want my little girl. My little girl that we never got to know. What would be her favorite color? We say purple because that was the color we picked for her from before she was born, but what would she say? What would be her favorite song? Would she have loved to dance like her big sister, or be a little shy like her big brother? What would have made her laugh or cry? Would she have loved to snuggle with her mommy and daddy? I do miss her every day. Most of the time I feel very alone, and I know that grief is personal and whatnot, but it's hard not to feel completely alone. People don't want to hear about her or to talk about her. I have a couple of good friends at work who still let me talk about her, and that is really nice. I've found that the people that still listen to me talk about her are the people that I least expected. I've gotten closer to those people because of it and it's amazed me how much they care about me and my family when they had no reason or purpose to. It's also amazes me that they acknowledge Clara as a person, as a child that died. Not just as a baby that was never born. That part means so much to me.
I had another dream about Clara after that. She was alive but I knew that she was going to die. I held her in my arms, and held her against my chest. I loved her and I didn't want her to die. I wanted her here with us. She grasped my hand with her tiny fingers, and I looked down at her and felt so much love for her. I would die for her if she could live. She looked so weak and fragile. I was able to feed her and that made her perk up a bit. She started to look better! Maybe she will live! I just kept looking at her thinking that she would die at any moment, but praying that she would live and be okay. I know I dreamt this because it's everything I couldn't do for her, but to the very depths of my soul wish that I could have. Hold her living in my arms. Watch her move. Feed her. Try to keep her alive.
I had another dream where I was pregnant with another baby. I hadn't felt that baby move for a day and I just held my stomach crying because I knew that I had lost that baby too. It was terrifying. Dreams take you to so many places that you wouldn't otherwise go. I don't know if these dreams that I've had help or not. In one way, it's nice to have moments with her that I couldn't have otherwise. They say that your mind can't tell the difference between a dream and reality, so maybe because of my dreams, I get to have some moments with her that I don't get in real life. On the other hand, once I wake up, it's hard to let go of her again, because even if my dreams of her aren't so happy, I am still with her and I am still holding her or looking at her or planning on her. I don't want it to be over. I would spend eternity in my dreams if it meant I could be with her. I feel like a part of my soul is always looking for her, wondering where she went and when we will meet again. Sometimes, I wish that I had died with her. It would have been so easy, I just had to not have woken up. My heart was broken, emotionally and physically, but it kept beating and sometimes I wonder how and I wonder why. It sounds incredibly selfish to say these things, especially because I have 2 other children that love me and need me here so much, and a husband that also loves and needs me, but these are thoughts that come, whether I want them to or not.
I always thought that my "light" would come back, but I'm starting to wonder if it will or if it's gone forever. Part of me died when Clara died. Part of me stopped when Clara's body stopped. It's like being in a painting and having a dull color painted over you. You don't have control over it, it just is, and you don't have any energy to stop the color being put on you either, you just don't care. I know there are times when I just shut down emotionally. I just go somewhere in my mind and am disconnected from my emotions and the emotions around me. It's a little scary because it's not something that I can prevent or turn on or off. I'm sure it's a defense mechanism, and it definitely does its job! This year was so traumatic with everything that we went through, with Clara, and with each other. We'll never get better or get over it. It's not something that you can get better from. It's not like one day, we're going to be just fine. Everyone can breath a huge sigh of relief because we're fine now! Thank you for all of your support and understanding! Your compassion and comfort! It was greatly needed during our time of need. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. For me, I am not fine. I am hurt and so very angry and unimaginably heartbroken. People think this will be over? It will never be over. No one can ever give me back what was taken from me. No one can ever make it better. I hate the whispers behind my back of, "that's the girl with the baby", and the understanding "oh" and nod. I pretend to ignore it. Maybe I should wear a sign that says, "Yes, I'm THAT girl with the dead baby. Any questions?" My anger is so strong at times, and I just want someone to say something rude, or push me when I'm walking on the street just so that I can yell at them and let out that hurt and anger. Take it out on them and make them feel as bad as I do. One little thing can anger me so much. I used to be able to control it much better, but not now. I feel it burning in me and I have no way to disperse it. Maybe one day.
I want my little girl. My little girl that we never got to know. What would be her favorite color? We say purple because that was the color we picked for her from before she was born, but what would she say? What would be her favorite song? Would she have loved to dance like her big sister, or be a little shy like her big brother? What would have made her laugh or cry? Would she have loved to snuggle with her mommy and daddy? I do miss her every day. Most of the time I feel very alone, and I know that grief is personal and whatnot, but it's hard not to feel completely alone. People don't want to hear about her or to talk about her. I have a couple of good friends at work who still let me talk about her, and that is really nice. I've found that the people that still listen to me talk about her are the people that I least expected. I've gotten closer to those people because of it and it's amazed me how much they care about me and my family when they had no reason or purpose to. It's also amazes me that they acknowledge Clara as a person, as a child that died. Not just as a baby that was never born. That part means so much to me.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
How Many Kids Do You Have?, And Other Related Questions.
How many kids do you have is such a hard question to answer! Every time that I am asked, I hesitate. Do I want to go into details right now? Am I in the right mood? Because I know that the follow-up question to my answer is going to be, "how old are they". There are simple answers for sure, "I have three. Two here and one in Heaven", but then I have to deal with the sympathy and the awkwardness that fills the room. Sometimes I am fine dealing with it and can say that I have 3 children, or that I have 2 children and a baby girl that died. Other times I cannot. I just say 2 and go from there. Then I feel guilt. Horrible guilt, and I just want to tell Clara that Mommy loves her so much and didn't forget her, that I could never forget her, and I'm so sorry that I didn't mention her.
I've noticed that even the kids have to go through this. They bring home homework from school, papers and crafts that they need to make and fill out, papers and crafts that involve their families. How many brothers and sisters, family trees, etc. So far, there hasn't been a doubt in their minds that they will include their little sister. Bella made a paper that said she had 1 brother and 1 sister. Nathan made a family tree tonight with our hands traced and cut out and glued to paper. I asked him what he was planning, and he said that he wanted all of us on there, with Clara on the top because she was the youngest. On each hand print, he had to write different traits that each of us had. We traced our hands, cut them out, and he added our traits. The instructions said that he could draw and cut out family members hands that weren't there to be traced, so that's what we did for Clara. We cut out little hands that were the size of hers, and then quickly realized that there was no room to write anything on them, so we cut out bigger hands and glued the Clara sized hands inside the bigger ones. Nathan was a little worried that he wouldn't be able to write anything about Clara, but I told him that he would probably be surprised what he could write. Well guess what?! He was able to fill every little finger with a trait. What trait did she share with brothers or sisters? The shape of her eyes. What trait did she share with one of her parents? Her dark hair from her momma. What is her favorite hobby or activity? Sucking her thumb. What is one of her character traits? Her sweetness. Eight fingers we filled with traits. Then, we glued them all to the paper, and he decorated it with stickers. He put stickers on all of our hands, and colors to match our birthstones. Clara's hands ended up with a lot of stickers on them! I think he was really thinking of her and wanting to do something for/about her. It turned out beautifully and he was very proud of it!! Maybe I should learn something from my kids and just face the reality no matter the pain, I have THREE children!
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| Family Tree, by Nathan |
Nathan thinks about her but doesn't talk about her very often. He's like Ken in that department! My boys, keeping their hearts close to them. It's beautiful. Nathan did pick a cherry tomato from our little garden. He brought it in and said that it reminded him of Clara. I asked him why and he said because it was premature and a little wrinkly. He is so awesome! He does think about his sister and I love the ways that he thinks of her!
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| Nathan's right in what he said, and I have to say it's even more like Clara than he first thought. Look at that dead branch that it was growing from. What a fighting preemie tomato! Just like Clara! |
Bella talks about Clara still, and still sometimes snuggles up in her bed with the "I'm a Big Brother Book" and her "God" book. She wanted me to read her "Hello Baby" a few days ago. Nathan got that book from my Grandma when I was pregnant with her. It's about a little boy who is going to be a big brother, and the 1st day home with his baby sister. I made it through the book without breaking down amazingly!! So proud!!! Bella was just fine throughout. She giggled during the funny parts, and although she grew a little somber during other parts, she was happy with the book. Bella still cries for Clara sometimes and has so many questions. I've told both kids that when they miss Clara and need her, she is already there with them. We talk about how much fun she's having in Heaven, and imagine all the things that she could be doing. I feel so close to Clara when we talk about her like that, and I can feel her near me at different times, which seems so odd because I've never felt anything like that before. It's just a peaceful feeling that comes over me, and a feeling in my chest that I get. The best way to describe that feeling is when someone is hugging you and your bodies push up against each other. When I'm really sad about Clara, those feelings help me feel better, and when I'm fine, and not in my sad time, it makes me smile.
It's so different now when I watch a show and someone dies, or I read a news story about someone dying. It doesn't matter who it was, but when I hear it or see it, I am crushed all over again. I get teary eyed and feel so horrible for the family, and I hurt for them. I know how hard those first few months are, they are a living hell, and I relive part of my pain from that time when someone else dies. I'm putting together Clara's scrapbook and it is so much more work than I thought! Which makes me so incredibly happy!! As I'm re-reading texts, and emails, and messages, all the info is there showing that we should have been very concerned. It's definitely true that hindsight is 20/20. In December, when she stopped growing and we didn't know that yet, I expressed my concern to many people. Just little comments here and there, but my fear was there. I felt something was so wrong, but I didn't really believe that my baby could die. I believed that no matter what, all of our great technology would save her, and that was if she really needed all of that great technology. Of course she would be fine. It's like taking your child to the doctor because you fear they are very sick, and the doctor reassures you that your child is fine, just a cold, nothing to worry about. Unfortunately, that was not the case, and even more unfortunately, there were definite signs that things were wrong that I ignored or chose not to worry about.
I still watch Clara's memorial video from time to time, and it's so great to see her moving and doing cute things in the ultrasound videos. I watch her suck her thumb, rub her face, "wave" to us, explore with her arms, kick her legs, hiccup!, do her practice breathing, and watch that beautiful heart beat so strongly. It's such a great reminder that she was HERE. She EXISTED. She was ALIVE. Sometimes she is such a dream to me, and I miss her more because of it! I've stared at her ultrasound pictures, trying to see something that was missed. I can see the cord around her neck, even in her 20 weeks ultrasound pictures. It looks like a bubble necklace. It shouldn't have been a problem, but her cord didn't form correctly so it wasn't as strong. It's so weird to lose someone you love. When we lost Clara, it seemed so sudden. One moment, we were planning for her. Making plans, getting excited for her baby shower, talking about everything that we would do with her, in total pregnancy mode, and then in an instant, that was all ripped away and we were left with nothing but empty arms and a devastated heart. We didn't know how was going on, we didn't know how to deal with the feelings that we were dealing with. If I could do it over again, I would change a million things! But that is always how it is. We would all change a million things because it wasn't enough. None of it was enough and none of it will ever be enough. We just learn how to eventually accept that and try to be happy with what we do have.
To end this post on a positive, this is a great story! Three weeks ago, I was going to attend my first in person support group meeting. I was excited, nervous, emotional. On my way to work earlier that day, I was driving on the freeway and suddenly, a white dove swooped in front on me. Not close enough to be in any danger of me hitting it, but close enough for me to be able to sit it's beautiful dance in the sky as I drove on. I thought that it was beautiful and what a nice way to start the day! Later that evening, as I was driving to the support meeting, I was feeling more emotional and nervous. Suddenly, TWO white doves swooped in front of me and danced around each other in the sky. Again, not in any danger of getting hit. I know that we do have doves here, obviously, but I have never seen white ones, and have never seen them dance in front of my car. Especially 3 doves in one day! Doves, especially white doves, symbolize peace, love, and are symbolic messengers. I like to think that they were sent to me by my little Clara, to let her mommy know that she's still with me and thinking of me, just as I am thinking of her. Numbers hold a lot of meaning to me regarding Clara, specifically the numbers 3 and 13. I'll have to explain that another day!
This summer, my dad came to visit us and we went for a hike in the mountains. While we were there, we saw 3 white butterflies dancing with each other. They were so graceful and seemed to be almost playful with each other. It was fascinating to watch. I took pictures of them so we would remember them. My dad, who was far enough away from us that I didn't think that he could see them, said that he did see them and had been watching them too. Maybe these 3 white butterflies were also Clara sending us her love. Maybe there are more signs than we think, we just need to open our eyes to them!
We love you so much Clara!!! And we miss you every day! I want to tell you sweet dreams and tuck you in, but since I can't, I hope that the angels will! Tell them to give you a kiss from me!
This summer, my dad came to visit us and we went for a hike in the mountains. While we were there, we saw 3 white butterflies dancing with each other. They were so graceful and seemed to be almost playful with each other. It was fascinating to watch. I took pictures of them so we would remember them. My dad, who was far enough away from us that I didn't think that he could see them, said that he did see them and had been watching them too. Maybe these 3 white butterflies were also Clara sending us her love. Maybe there are more signs than we think, we just need to open our eyes to them!
 |
| Dancing Butterflies from Clara |
We love you so much Clara!!! And we miss you every day! I want to tell you sweet dreams and tuck you in, but since I can't, I hope that the angels will! Tell them to give you a kiss from me!
Monday, August 13, 2012
So Much Time, But No Time At All
7 months today. It's amazing that it has been that long. I always have more of an emotional time in the few days leading up to the 13th of each month, and this time was no different. It's a hard month for a couple of reasons. 1st, we've past the 1/2 way point of the year and are well into the second part of the year, and 2nd, she has now been gone for longer than she was here. I was 7 months pregnant with her when she died. 7 months seems like so long and sometimes it's harder now than it was at first. It's been so long since I've held her or even seen her. Parents aren't supposed to be separated from their children like this. In other ways, it is easier. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it sure does help. We've all learned better how to cope with our loss and how to handle these feelings that come. I still wonder sometimes if she will know me, and I fear that she won't. I sure hope that she does because I will know her!
When I look at her pictures, I try to find new things in them. I've stared at the same pictures for months now, and I do love them and treasure them, but sometimes I get frustrated because they never change. She will never change. When I see the picture of her casket before it was closed, and she's all wrapped in her blanket, every instinct in me wants to reach through the picture, scoop her up, and hold her close to me. She looks like a little bundle all comfy and cozy, just waiting for mommy/daddy/brother/sister kisses. Sometimes, I just beg and beg for her to be returned to me. I miss her so much. It's horrible sometimes hearing about other people's pregnancies or babies and knowing how much you failed. Failed so much that your daughter died, and not knowing exactly how you failed her, but somehow you must have, because she is not here.
Now that the hole in my heart is fixed, I focus on when I can get pregnant. I'm terrified, excited, hopeful, anxious. Before we found out how big the hole was, I was hoping to get pregnant, no matter the risk to me from it. I didn't care. After we found how how big the hole was, I felt fortunate that I hadn't gotten pregnant. My cardiologist said he was surprised that I had even been able to carry 2 babies full-term, and surprised about how much physically I had done in my life with my heart how it was. I am very fortunate to be here, I rolled the dice and won on this. I asked him again if my heart contributed to Clara's death, and he said no, because technically she died of a cord accident, but that poor baby was so so small. So much smaller than she should have been and she had definitely been struggling. I still wonder if my heart just couldn't support her and me, so my body decided to not support her. That really sucks. Now, it will take a year for my heart to heal. It will take a year to condition my body to function properly. My cardio said absolutely no babies right now, and go to every measure to prevent pregnancy. He said if my tests come back 100% perfect at 6 months post-op, he might consider giving me the go ahead at 9 months, but not to count on it. So, I am planning on a year and hoping that I can try this again. My heart doesn't beat right a lot of the time now, and I take meds to keep it in rhythm, and this can happen after getting it fixed, but I worry that it won't ever find the correct rhythm. The meds I take are known to cause harm to an unborn baby, so I can't get pregnant on them. Plus, if my heart is not beating correctly, it would be selfish to try to get pregnant. I can't adopt, nobody is going to let me adopt with my heart issues. Even though they should correct themselves and be okay, even having that on your medical history is a huge negative. What if I can't carry a baby again? What do I do? Maybe I should just be thankful for the 2 living children that I have. I am. I already am so thankful for them. That doesn't help my heart to not desire another living child. That is what keeps me going right now. That is where my eyes, mind, and heart are focused on. That's what gets me through every single day. I am terrified I won't be able to fulfill that desire.
The kids get nervous when Ken or I have to go to the doctor. I know it scares them. They have experienced the worst thing possible. We reassure them and every time we come back home from the hospital and things are okay, it helps them feel a little bit better for the next time. They are so brave and amazing. They just blow my mind how great they are with everything they have dealt with and are dealing with. Maybe having everything happen this year will actually end up being good. They can learn that you can go into the hospital and come out okay. There can still be happy endings for us.
Something that I've learned since Clara died; people really do care. It sounds so simple, but I never really believed it before. The amount of support that we received from our family and our friends, and still receive, is unbelievable. I have become more open with my emotions now and not so afraid to show them or to talk about them. I'm not as closed off as I was and I think that I am learning to be more loving and compassionate with others. If I've learned nothing but that from my daughter's death, that's more than enough. I am so thankful for what I have been given and for what I have. It makes me feel good that my family and friends still think of her and of us. I'm thankful that people are understanding of the fact that I might suddenly start rambling on about Clara and things that I want to do in memory of her. I'm thankful that people still cry for her. That means so much to a grieving parent, to know that their babies are being thought of, missed, and loved. To hear the words, "We love you, Clara" coming out of the mouths of people that I care about so much. Thankful for those that take the time to look at her pictures and let me show-off the few precious things we have of her, like any proud parent would.
Here is a quote from an episode of 'One Tree Hill' - "The hardest part of saying good-bye, is having to do it again every day".
When I look at her pictures, I try to find new things in them. I've stared at the same pictures for months now, and I do love them and treasure them, but sometimes I get frustrated because they never change. She will never change. When I see the picture of her casket before it was closed, and she's all wrapped in her blanket, every instinct in me wants to reach through the picture, scoop her up, and hold her close to me. She looks like a little bundle all comfy and cozy, just waiting for mommy/daddy/brother/sister kisses. Sometimes, I just beg and beg for her to be returned to me. I miss her so much. It's horrible sometimes hearing about other people's pregnancies or babies and knowing how much you failed. Failed so much that your daughter died, and not knowing exactly how you failed her, but somehow you must have, because she is not here.
Now that the hole in my heart is fixed, I focus on when I can get pregnant. I'm terrified, excited, hopeful, anxious. Before we found out how big the hole was, I was hoping to get pregnant, no matter the risk to me from it. I didn't care. After we found how how big the hole was, I felt fortunate that I hadn't gotten pregnant. My cardiologist said he was surprised that I had even been able to carry 2 babies full-term, and surprised about how much physically I had done in my life with my heart how it was. I am very fortunate to be here, I rolled the dice and won on this. I asked him again if my heart contributed to Clara's death, and he said no, because technically she died of a cord accident, but that poor baby was so so small. So much smaller than she should have been and she had definitely been struggling. I still wonder if my heart just couldn't support her and me, so my body decided to not support her. That really sucks. Now, it will take a year for my heart to heal. It will take a year to condition my body to function properly. My cardio said absolutely no babies right now, and go to every measure to prevent pregnancy. He said if my tests come back 100% perfect at 6 months post-op, he might consider giving me the go ahead at 9 months, but not to count on it. So, I am planning on a year and hoping that I can try this again. My heart doesn't beat right a lot of the time now, and I take meds to keep it in rhythm, and this can happen after getting it fixed, but I worry that it won't ever find the correct rhythm. The meds I take are known to cause harm to an unborn baby, so I can't get pregnant on them. Plus, if my heart is not beating correctly, it would be selfish to try to get pregnant. I can't adopt, nobody is going to let me adopt with my heart issues. Even though they should correct themselves and be okay, even having that on your medical history is a huge negative. What if I can't carry a baby again? What do I do? Maybe I should just be thankful for the 2 living children that I have. I am. I already am so thankful for them. That doesn't help my heart to not desire another living child. That is what keeps me going right now. That is where my eyes, mind, and heart are focused on. That's what gets me through every single day. I am terrified I won't be able to fulfill that desire.
The kids get nervous when Ken or I have to go to the doctor. I know it scares them. They have experienced the worst thing possible. We reassure them and every time we come back home from the hospital and things are okay, it helps them feel a little bit better for the next time. They are so brave and amazing. They just blow my mind how great they are with everything they have dealt with and are dealing with. Maybe having everything happen this year will actually end up being good. They can learn that you can go into the hospital and come out okay. There can still be happy endings for us.
Something that I've learned since Clara died; people really do care. It sounds so simple, but I never really believed it before. The amount of support that we received from our family and our friends, and still receive, is unbelievable. I have become more open with my emotions now and not so afraid to show them or to talk about them. I'm not as closed off as I was and I think that I am learning to be more loving and compassionate with others. If I've learned nothing but that from my daughter's death, that's more than enough. I am so thankful for what I have been given and for what I have. It makes me feel good that my family and friends still think of her and of us. I'm thankful that people are understanding of the fact that I might suddenly start rambling on about Clara and things that I want to do in memory of her. I'm thankful that people still cry for her. That means so much to a grieving parent, to know that their babies are being thought of, missed, and loved. To hear the words, "We love you, Clara" coming out of the mouths of people that I care about so much. Thankful for those that take the time to look at her pictures and let me show-off the few precious things we have of her, like any proud parent would.
Here is a quote from an episode of 'One Tree Hill' - "The hardest part of saying good-bye, is having to do it again every day".
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