I still miss my daughter every single day. I want her with me so very badly. I visit her grave and just think of her; holding her, loving her, missing her. Ken and I dropped the kids off at break dancing class last week and went to visit Clara. Ken had been to her grave just a couple of days before, but I hadn't been for a couple of weeks. I still always get so nervous going to see her. As we pull up to the cemetery, I worry that something has happened to her or to her headstone. I don't know if that is normal, but it is what I feel. As we walk to her grave, I feel myself getting anxious and intently looking for her headstone. Then I see it. It is perfect and just as it should be, and then I relax and visit with my daughter. Ken doesn't feel the anxiety as I do. It's different for him. We weren't in any hurry, and since we didn't have the kids with us, we spent time looking at other baby graves by Clara. We have gotten familar with the ones close by to her, but we ventured further than we have before. So many lives gone too soon. So many families carrying the heartache that we carry. It was really sad and depressing! I couldn't help but think of all of those little ones, dressed lovingly by their families, laying forever under that ground. It makes it very real. I think of their families, as I think of mine. I look at the trinkets that are left on the headstones and know that there is significance in every single item that is left for these babies. They are not lost, they are still thought of and still treasured, 5, 10, 20, 50 years later. They are forever a part of their families lives and forever loved. It is so quiet and so peaceful at the cemetery. A nursery in a way, caring for the babies that never got a chance to live.
Overall we are doing well! We can see a future, and although it doesn't have Clara growing with us and experiencing things with us, she is still always there. Bella was looking at a picture of the 4 of us that was taken on the 4th of July. She was staring so intently at it, and I asked her what she was thinking. She said that Clara will never be in our family pictures, and she would never get to do things with us and she really missed her. I told Bella that that is a sad part, that Clara is always missing, and then Bella said, "but Clara is always in our hearts". And she's right, Clara is always in our hearts and we do carry her with us every day and with every thing that we do. When we watch a show that has a baby in it, especially when it involves a big sibling with a baby, or see a big sibling with a baby somewhere that we go, Bella stares longingly at them. She obviously wants that and it hurts her that she doesn't have it. Isabel calls her Clarey and says that she thinks about her every day, and that she prays for her. Belle wants to know that Clara is okay and wants Clara to experience things that she enjoys. Bella wants to know that Clara is happy and doing well. It bothers her that she can't be with Clara, and it bothers her that she doesn't know why Clara can't be with her. I know that I wish I knew why too! I think of what Clara would be doing now, I can't stop myself from thinking about it. She would be laughing, sitting, and maybe crawling, and she would have 2 parents and 2 big siblings that would give her everything she wanted. We would all be so happy and would not be carrying around the heartache and hurt of losing her. Sometimes when I see Belle sleeping, she looks so much like Clara. Sometimes if Belle has snuck into our bed at night and I wake up to find her sleeping next to me, I have to do a double-take because I think it's Clara. Clara had delicate features like Bella. They had the same face shape and same build. Clara's nose was like Nathan's, and her eyes looked to be a bit more slanted, like Ken's, but she still looked a lot like Bella. And sometimes, Ken and I accidently call Bella, Clara, or Clara, Bella.
Nathan is very logical about the whole thing. He misses Clara and that is evident from what he does for her and how he talks about her. When we were visiting Clara a bit ago, he said that he was going to make a memorial for his "lost sister" on a game that he plays. He did it too! He made a special garden, and added her headstone, with her name, and all of the symbols we have on her headstone, and also the tree that is next to her grave. It was a beautiful memorial for his sister. Nathan wonders about the darkness as he calls it. It worries him to think about being dead and maybe being in darkness, and it worries him to think of Clara being in darkness. We talk about it and do our best to reassure him. I tell him that Clara isn't in darkness, she is in light and is happy. I tell both of them that Clara plays in Heaven, and that I imagine that she spends a lot of time with Lydia, and that whenever they miss her or need her, she will come to them. I know they see my crying about her sometimes. It doesn't seem to upset them as much as it used to, they are getting used to it I suppose, but I know that it still affects them. I also think that it is good for them to know that it is still and will always be okay to cry for her and miss her. When the song, 'Keep Holding On' comes on, we all sing to it. For those that don't remember, I played that song for Clara after we found out that she was so little, and then played it for myself to keep moving forward after she was gone. It means a lot to us.
I painted pictures for both Nathan and Isabel this last month. I've been wanting to for awhile, and finally did them. I let them pick whatever they wanted for their pictures. Belle picked a flower garden, with her and I together, and Nathan, Daddy, and Clara together in the background. Nathan picked a lake setting, with him and Clara together on a magic carpet, and Bella, Daddy, and I together looking at them. They were both so sweet about their paintings, and both wanted to include Clara in their paintings without being prompted to do so. They loved them I have to say! Nathan got a little emotional when I showed him his. He looked at it and loved that he was with Clara. I also made the kids Clara Cats. I got the idea from Molly Bears. I bought stuffed cats that were 13 1/2 inches long, and bought bean-bag pellets and a scale. I pulled out the stuffing from the cats, and replaced it with the pellets until the cats weighed 1 lb 9 oz. Then I wrapped them up and gave them to the kids. They really enjoyed them! They never got to hold Clara, something that they had wanted to do and that I so wish had been able to do. It was just something that never happened. So for them to really feel about big their sister was, and to feel her weight in their arms, it was pretty special for them. When Bella misses Clara, she pulls out different things. Usually they involve, the "I'm a Big Brother" book, her Clara cat, Clara Lamb, her photo album of Clara, and the "God" book. It's sweet.
Nathan is so grown-up most of the time. He told us one day that 'we will always grieve, it's just a part of who we are now'. How insightful for a child! Terri had bought Nathan a stuffed husky, and she told me that Nathan told her that it was cool because he gave his other stuffed husky dog to his sister. She thought that he had meant Isabel, until I told her that he meant Clara. He had put it in her casket with her. I love it that he labels Clara as his sister. It makes me feel good about how he feels about things.
I am making Clara's scrapbook, like I made Nathan and Isabel's, and it is a very emotional thing. Re-reading the times when she was perfect and healthy, re-reading when we found out she had died, and re-reading the 10 parts of her story that I have written, listing every little detail of her birth, time spent with her, and her funeral. It is also nice to be making this for her too. The kids are excited that we are making one for Clara too, they love theirs so much and wanted one for her! I was at the craft store buying supplies for Clara's scrapbook, and the checker was very friendly. He asked what I was making, and I told him a scrapbook for my daughter. He said how neat and asked how old she was. I paused because this question in hard to answer. Same as how many kids do you have. Sometimes, I am in a mindset where I just say that she died, or that I have 3 kids, 2 here and 1 in Heaven. Other times, I just can't go there, and it also feels kind of nice to either pretend for a moment that this is not my life, or to not see the look on the person's face when you tell them your child died. I went for the later this time. I just said that she was still a baby. It's true, she will always be a baby, but I know that it's misleading too. He carried on in the conversation and asked if I had other kids, this one was easy. "Yes, 2 others". Their ages? "10 and 7". Here's where it got tricky and I thought maybe I should have just said Clara had died to begin with. He told me that he has an older sister that is 7 years older than him too and she was like a little mother to him growing up, and how close they are and how great it was growing up with her. Knife in the heart!!! I just smiled and nodded and quickly got out of there. I couldn't help but think of the relationship that Nathan, Isabel, and Clara have and will always be missing out on. It's so heartbreaking. I told Ken about it, and he said that when people ask him, he just tells them that he has 3 children, and that his baby girl died. He deals with the looks and the apologies. It's so interesting how different we all handle grief. It is definitely a personal and sometimes lonely experience.
This post ended up being mainly about the kids and how they are doing. I will update with how Ken and I are doing soon!! To end this post, here is an overall view of how the kids are doing. They want to change their names to:
Nathan - Chase Nathaniel Awesome
Isabel - Butterfly Rainbow Happy
Yeah, I think they are doing just fine! :)
Sorry if any typos or weird grammar things! I did not proof-read this one!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Peace
It's been awhile again since I updated my blog. I think about updating it at times, and then I wonder what I will write about. Things have been going well, and we have been so busy! The kids have both had their birthday parties and we even threw a surprise party for them for their birthdays! They were so excited and it went just perfectly. They deserved a day just about them! It's been nice to be so busy because then we don't have time to dwell on Clara's loss. Things still remind us of her, and we still talk about her a lot! It's still hard to see babies that would be the same age as Clara had she lived and been born when she was supposed to be born. She would be almost 3 months old now. AMAZING! She would be smiling at us, and laughing at us when we tickled her or did something that she found funny. She would be making all of us so incredibly happy. Nathan and Isabel would each have their special thing that they do for her to make her smile, and she would adore them both. She would be rolling over from her back to her tummy, and probably getting frustrated that her little arm would be stuck under her when she tried to roll over from her tummy to her back. We would have had her 2 month appointment a few weeks ago, and she would have had her first set of shots. I can't help but think of these things. What she should be doing, what she could be doing. It's so hard being the mommy, or daddy, or brother, or sister of a dead baby. There are so many things that we wanted to do with her, and so many things that we still ache to do for her. It's hard not to hold her in my arms, and kiss her, and watch her grow. When we do family things, I think of how Clara should be with us and wonder what she would think of the movie, or the hike we went on, or whatever experience she missed.
A lot has changed in the last month. For the better! Ken and I are getting along soooo much better, so the stress in our house has dropped so much. The kids are both out of school and enjoying their summer break. Day to day life is becoming happier and the burden of Clara's death has lifted a little more every day. We miss her like crazy, and still hurt and want her with us, but I think we are at a place where we have had to accept it. It's still a roller coaster, but the roller coaster is turning into a smoother ride. I know for myself that I have finally learned that it is okay to not feel so sad everyday, but know that I still love her and miss her. I have learned how to carry Clara with me and still function as a living human being who is a mother to two living children, a mother to an angel, a wife to my husband, and everything else that I am. I have found my balance. I can't really explain how that balance came, it was slow to come and when I was ready to take this step, I embraced it. I refuse to let this horrible thing that has happened destroy me or my family. Clara is not sadness or heartbreak. She is love and joy and light. Her life was perfect. So much shorter than anyone would have liked, but perfect. She meant something, and still means something, to so many people. She was so brave and strong to die. That statement is hard to explain, but I will try. Because she died, I have strength in my own life to know that my tiny little baby was brave enough and strong enough to die. She has done what so many people fear, and she did it at such a young age. It wasn't her choice, it wasn't what we wanted, but it happened and she did it all on her own. I use my pain and anger and focus that on being a better person, a stronger person. I am myself, but I will never be who I was. How many times in your life do you get the chance to reinvent yourself? It's like I now have the capability to put my pieces back together however I want, I can be whoever I want. I get to decide what traits I want to be more prominent, and which ones I would rather be less prominent. It's an amzing gift. I've decided that I don't want to say good-bye to her, but I will say "see you later", and know that she is happy and will wait for us to join her.
We had a family interview and a tour at a center for children who have had a loved one die. The kids LOVED it! They were put on the waiting list, and it could take 6 months for them to get their place, but the director said that the long wait is beneficial. It puts a little time from the death of their loved one to when they get to go, and it is easier for them to talk about their loved one and how they feel. It isn't a counseling session, it's a place for them to be around other children who have also lost someone that they loved and to play and talk about their feelings and know that what they feel is okay! When they start going, they get to bring in a picture of Clara and hang it on the memory wall. They each get to make a brick in memory of Clara and place it in the gardens. They get to talk about her to other children who understand their pain and how they feel. There is art time, play time, group time, thinking time. It's such a wonderful program. They will go 2 times a month and and meet with the same group of kids. At the beginning of each group, the kids each take their turns saying their names, who it was that they lost and their relation to that person, and how that person died. Like my kids would say something like, "My name is Nathan/Isabel, my sister Clara died, she was stillborn/got her cord around her neck/whatever they say about how she died". They get to go as long as they want to! One year, 5 years, however long. Ken was concerned that it would reopen the wounds of Clara's loss, but the director told us that the wounds never close. Children's grieve grows with them, and as their understanding and maturity grow, their grief changes. As much as I would love Nathan and Isabel to forget the pain of the death of their sister, I hope it gives them courage and strength one day. She is so much a part of them, and them her.
Bella has been asking a lot of questions about Clara lately. She is angry and confused. One night, she was sad about Clara and wanted to know WHY Clara died. I told her that I wanted to know why too! But, that I don't know why and sometimes bad or sad things just happen. I reiterated that it wasn't anything any of us did, or thought, it was just a very sad thing that happened. She asked why God let Clara die, and I told her that God doesn't kill babies. Nathan told her that this is just a part of life. Everything alive must one day die, and that one day we would die too. Oh, I love my son! He is so scientific and matter of fact. We talked some more, and both kids were feeling better about their feelings about Clara. The next night, Bella came into my room and excitedly exclaimed that Clara died before me, before daddy, before Nathan, and before her! She was excited because she had realized that people CAN die out of age order, and just because Clara was the youngest, it wasn't so odd that she had died. Children believe that when you are old, you die. The young can't die, people they love can't die until they are old, but definitely babies don't die, so when Bella realized that anyone can die, Clara's death made much more sense to her. It hadn't broken so many of the "rules" that she lived by. She then held up her little fist and said that she wanted to lift up her middle finger so bad because she was so angry! I asked her why, and we started talking. She asked if I ate too much food and that caused Clara to die. I explained that no, I didn't eat too much. She asked if food got stuck in Clara's umbilical cord and she choked. I explained that no, no food got stuck. Nathan came in and joined in the conversation. I explained to them how it's only blood that goes into the umbilical cord and how our bodies break down food and that it's just the nutrients that go to the blood and then to the baby. I showed them Clara's "As Your Baby Grows" magazine so they could get a better visual of what happens when a baby is in their mommy's tummy. That made more sense to them. We talked until they had no more questions. They are obviously still thinking about what happened, and still hurting for their sister. Bella is more open about her feelings and more expressive about them. Nathan is more scientific about things and tries to figure things out based on logic.
The mom of Belle's friend came over to pick her daughter up from a play date and saw the pictures that we have of Clara in our living room. She looked at all of them and said how beautiful Clara was. She works in a NICU with the tiniest of babies, so she has seen babies Clara's size. She told me that she thinks of us whenever she goes to work, and feels so bad for us. When she thinks of the babies that are drug addicted at birth or otherwise harmed by their mothers, she feels so bad for us too. She told me that she is so sorry that I didn't get to keep Clara, and love her, but these mothers who harmed their children got to. It was so touching to hear that other people out of our family and close friends still think of us and of what we have lost. Sometimes, I still think that Clara will just magically wake up and be returned to us. She is much too special to be dead. She can't be! This is my own denial. Nathan had seen a news article about a baby in another country who was put in the morgue because everyone thought the baby was dead, but the baby wasn't really dead and thank God the parents wanted to see their baby one last time and found their living baby in the casket. I made it very clear to Nathan and Bella that Clara really was dead and there was no hope that she really was alive. We had made sure of her death before we delivered her. I did not want them to think that either Clara had somehow been alive when we buried her and then died from that, or that she could still be alive.
I have really bad doctor anxiety now. It's hard to go to the doctor for even simple things. When you've gotten a lot of bad news, and the most horrible news, when going to the doctor, it gets hard to keep a positive outlook on doctors. Bella had her well-child check-up recently, and I had such horrid anxiety going! We all went, which is good, and it was still hard. I couldn't even look at her when the doctor was looking her over. I had to look at the wall because I felt like I was going to burst into tears. She is HEALTHY! Of course she is! But it was terrifying. Nathan has his well-child soon too and I am not looking forward to it. I LOVED well-child appointments. It was exciting to see how much bigger they'd gotten and hear that they were doing well. I went to my own doctor appointment a couple of weeks ago and almost didn't make it in the doors. I was shaking and scared, and my heart was pounding out of my chest. As I was driving to my appointment, I kept getting flashes of Clara's ultrasound when I found out that she had died. The horror of it. When I was walking through the parking lot I kept seeing that ultrasound and reliving the time we were at the hospital delivering Clara, and remembering how scared I was. It's almost debilitating. I had to fight myself not to drop to my knees, wrap my arms around myself, close my eyes tight and just cry. I forced myself to walk through those doors. At least my doctor could hear my heart beating very well! I also went to the dentist to have a cavity filled and kept having mini panic attacks. It was pretty miserable. At one point, I imagined Clara. She was looking down at me over the dentists shoulder and smiling at me. She looked so happy! I calmed down and was able to relax. When I would start to freak out again, I would just think of Clara and feel calm and peaceful again.
The kids have a bit of doctor anxiety when it comes to Ken and I. A few weeks ago, I had to take Ken to the ER for sudden and severe stomach pains. We called his mom to stay with the kids, and while we were waiting for her to get to our house, Bella started crying because she was worried for her daddy. I told her that daddy would be okay and told her that she could lay in brothers bed with him if she wanted to. She did. They definitely are comforts for each other. Ken was fine, thankfully! The next morning, Nathan asked me privately if daddy was going to be okay. I told him that yes, daddy was going to be just fine. He nodded his head and looked so relieved. He had been worrying all night about his daddy.
I am so thankful for the support that we have. Not too many years ago, Clara's death would have been swept away and never talked about. Now, thanks to the many people who have experienced the death of their child, this subject is no longer taboo. We can talk about our feelings and talk to OTHERS that have experienced the same loss that we have. We can know that what we are feeling is okay. There are so many support groups out there and books to read! There is an online magazine just about loss! I am so very thankful for the resources that are available to us.
I feel so much more peace now than I have before. Clara is still, and will always be, such a huge part of our lives. She won't be forgotten. She means so much to us and will always be a part of us. I do still get so sad for her and miss her so very very much. My arms ache to hold her and my heart yearns to watch her grow up. I have hope that I will see her again and that I will get to love on her and kiss her and sweep her hair out of her eyes and look upon her beautiful face once more.
A lot has changed in the last month. For the better! Ken and I are getting along soooo much better, so the stress in our house has dropped so much. The kids are both out of school and enjoying their summer break. Day to day life is becoming happier and the burden of Clara's death has lifted a little more every day. We miss her like crazy, and still hurt and want her with us, but I think we are at a place where we have had to accept it. It's still a roller coaster, but the roller coaster is turning into a smoother ride. I know for myself that I have finally learned that it is okay to not feel so sad everyday, but know that I still love her and miss her. I have learned how to carry Clara with me and still function as a living human being who is a mother to two living children, a mother to an angel, a wife to my husband, and everything else that I am. I have found my balance. I can't really explain how that balance came, it was slow to come and when I was ready to take this step, I embraced it. I refuse to let this horrible thing that has happened destroy me or my family. Clara is not sadness or heartbreak. She is love and joy and light. Her life was perfect. So much shorter than anyone would have liked, but perfect. She meant something, and still means something, to so many people. She was so brave and strong to die. That statement is hard to explain, but I will try. Because she died, I have strength in my own life to know that my tiny little baby was brave enough and strong enough to die. She has done what so many people fear, and she did it at such a young age. It wasn't her choice, it wasn't what we wanted, but it happened and she did it all on her own. I use my pain and anger and focus that on being a better person, a stronger person. I am myself, but I will never be who I was. How many times in your life do you get the chance to reinvent yourself? It's like I now have the capability to put my pieces back together however I want, I can be whoever I want. I get to decide what traits I want to be more prominent, and which ones I would rather be less prominent. It's an amzing gift. I've decided that I don't want to say good-bye to her, but I will say "see you later", and know that she is happy and will wait for us to join her.
We had a family interview and a tour at a center for children who have had a loved one die. The kids LOVED it! They were put on the waiting list, and it could take 6 months for them to get their place, but the director said that the long wait is beneficial. It puts a little time from the death of their loved one to when they get to go, and it is easier for them to talk about their loved one and how they feel. It isn't a counseling session, it's a place for them to be around other children who have also lost someone that they loved and to play and talk about their feelings and know that what they feel is okay! When they start going, they get to bring in a picture of Clara and hang it on the memory wall. They each get to make a brick in memory of Clara and place it in the gardens. They get to talk about her to other children who understand their pain and how they feel. There is art time, play time, group time, thinking time. It's such a wonderful program. They will go 2 times a month and and meet with the same group of kids. At the beginning of each group, the kids each take their turns saying their names, who it was that they lost and their relation to that person, and how that person died. Like my kids would say something like, "My name is Nathan/Isabel, my sister Clara died, she was stillborn/got her cord around her neck/whatever they say about how she died". They get to go as long as they want to! One year, 5 years, however long. Ken was concerned that it would reopen the wounds of Clara's loss, but the director told us that the wounds never close. Children's grieve grows with them, and as their understanding and maturity grow, their grief changes. As much as I would love Nathan and Isabel to forget the pain of the death of their sister, I hope it gives them courage and strength one day. She is so much a part of them, and them her.
Bella has been asking a lot of questions about Clara lately. She is angry and confused. One night, she was sad about Clara and wanted to know WHY Clara died. I told her that I wanted to know why too! But, that I don't know why and sometimes bad or sad things just happen. I reiterated that it wasn't anything any of us did, or thought, it was just a very sad thing that happened. She asked why God let Clara die, and I told her that God doesn't kill babies. Nathan told her that this is just a part of life. Everything alive must one day die, and that one day we would die too. Oh, I love my son! He is so scientific and matter of fact. We talked some more, and both kids were feeling better about their feelings about Clara. The next night, Bella came into my room and excitedly exclaimed that Clara died before me, before daddy, before Nathan, and before her! She was excited because she had realized that people CAN die out of age order, and just because Clara was the youngest, it wasn't so odd that she had died. Children believe that when you are old, you die. The young can't die, people they love can't die until they are old, but definitely babies don't die, so when Bella realized that anyone can die, Clara's death made much more sense to her. It hadn't broken so many of the "rules" that she lived by. She then held up her little fist and said that she wanted to lift up her middle finger so bad because she was so angry! I asked her why, and we started talking. She asked if I ate too much food and that caused Clara to die. I explained that no, I didn't eat too much. She asked if food got stuck in Clara's umbilical cord and she choked. I explained that no, no food got stuck. Nathan came in and joined in the conversation. I explained to them how it's only blood that goes into the umbilical cord and how our bodies break down food and that it's just the nutrients that go to the blood and then to the baby. I showed them Clara's "As Your Baby Grows" magazine so they could get a better visual of what happens when a baby is in their mommy's tummy. That made more sense to them. We talked until they had no more questions. They are obviously still thinking about what happened, and still hurting for their sister. Bella is more open about her feelings and more expressive about them. Nathan is more scientific about things and tries to figure things out based on logic.
The mom of Belle's friend came over to pick her daughter up from a play date and saw the pictures that we have of Clara in our living room. She looked at all of them and said how beautiful Clara was. She works in a NICU with the tiniest of babies, so she has seen babies Clara's size. She told me that she thinks of us whenever she goes to work, and feels so bad for us. When she thinks of the babies that are drug addicted at birth or otherwise harmed by their mothers, she feels so bad for us too. She told me that she is so sorry that I didn't get to keep Clara, and love her, but these mothers who harmed their children got to. It was so touching to hear that other people out of our family and close friends still think of us and of what we have lost. Sometimes, I still think that Clara will just magically wake up and be returned to us. She is much too special to be dead. She can't be! This is my own denial. Nathan had seen a news article about a baby in another country who was put in the morgue because everyone thought the baby was dead, but the baby wasn't really dead and thank God the parents wanted to see their baby one last time and found their living baby in the casket. I made it very clear to Nathan and Bella that Clara really was dead and there was no hope that she really was alive. We had made sure of her death before we delivered her. I did not want them to think that either Clara had somehow been alive when we buried her and then died from that, or that she could still be alive.
I have really bad doctor anxiety now. It's hard to go to the doctor for even simple things. When you've gotten a lot of bad news, and the most horrible news, when going to the doctor, it gets hard to keep a positive outlook on doctors. Bella had her well-child check-up recently, and I had such horrid anxiety going! We all went, which is good, and it was still hard. I couldn't even look at her when the doctor was looking her over. I had to look at the wall because I felt like I was going to burst into tears. She is HEALTHY! Of course she is! But it was terrifying. Nathan has his well-child soon too and I am not looking forward to it. I LOVED well-child appointments. It was exciting to see how much bigger they'd gotten and hear that they were doing well. I went to my own doctor appointment a couple of weeks ago and almost didn't make it in the doors. I was shaking and scared, and my heart was pounding out of my chest. As I was driving to my appointment, I kept getting flashes of Clara's ultrasound when I found out that she had died. The horror of it. When I was walking through the parking lot I kept seeing that ultrasound and reliving the time we were at the hospital delivering Clara, and remembering how scared I was. It's almost debilitating. I had to fight myself not to drop to my knees, wrap my arms around myself, close my eyes tight and just cry. I forced myself to walk through those doors. At least my doctor could hear my heart beating very well! I also went to the dentist to have a cavity filled and kept having mini panic attacks. It was pretty miserable. At one point, I imagined Clara. She was looking down at me over the dentists shoulder and smiling at me. She looked so happy! I calmed down and was able to relax. When I would start to freak out again, I would just think of Clara and feel calm and peaceful again.
The kids have a bit of doctor anxiety when it comes to Ken and I. A few weeks ago, I had to take Ken to the ER for sudden and severe stomach pains. We called his mom to stay with the kids, and while we were waiting for her to get to our house, Bella started crying because she was worried for her daddy. I told her that daddy would be okay and told her that she could lay in brothers bed with him if she wanted to. She did. They definitely are comforts for each other. Ken was fine, thankfully! The next morning, Nathan asked me privately if daddy was going to be okay. I told him that yes, daddy was going to be just fine. He nodded his head and looked so relieved. He had been worrying all night about his daddy.
I am so thankful for the support that we have. Not too many years ago, Clara's death would have been swept away and never talked about. Now, thanks to the many people who have experienced the death of their child, this subject is no longer taboo. We can talk about our feelings and talk to OTHERS that have experienced the same loss that we have. We can know that what we are feeling is okay. There are so many support groups out there and books to read! There is an online magazine just about loss! I am so very thankful for the resources that are available to us.
I feel so much more peace now than I have before. Clara is still, and will always be, such a huge part of our lives. She won't be forgotten. She means so much to us and will always be a part of us. I do still get so sad for her and miss her so very very much. My arms ache to hold her and my heart yearns to watch her grow up. I have hope that I will see her again and that I will get to love on her and kiss her and sweep her hair out of her eyes and look upon her beautiful face once more.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Crossroads
Wow. Time suddenly started flying again. I can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks since I last posted! I try not to just complain about how much I miss Clara, and sometimes I can't think of anything positive to say so I don't post. I want this blog to be an accurate representation of life after Clara but I also want to see the positive too, which just shortly ago, I wasn't wanting anything to do with. Life is still moving on. We had a good Mother's Day and, of course, went to visit Clara at the cemetery. Nathan asked why we were going up and I told him that since Clara couldn't be with us, we would go to her. We had a nice time visiting her. We each put a flower on her grave and told her Happy Mother's Day. I still feel compelled to take a picture of her headstone every time we visit her. I don't really know why, I think it's because I can't take new pictures of her, so I take new pictures of her headstone. I'm not ready for it to be over so I'm trying to extend my time. It's really a horrible thing to happen and it's incredibly hard every day. It's been 4 months. WOW! The intensity of the pain is still as strong as ever, there are just more breaks in between the times that I feel it. Sometimes, I still want to curl up because I want her so bad. I am so angry most of the time and want to throw a tantrum like a child. Kicking and punching and screaming at the top of my lungs. Why did everyone else I know get to keep their babies and MINE died? What the hell is that?! There have been at least 10 babies born and all of them are healthy and perfect, Thank God, but I wanted my baby too. I do NOT want to look at pictures of bouncing babies, smiling away. I do NOT want to hear about babies learning new things or hear about what they are doing. My sweet girl is dead and buried and I am still angry and bitter that she doesn't get to do anything and that she got robbed.
I'm trying to pinpoint what exactly this pain is. What is emotional pain? What causes it to happen? There is definitely a physical pain that comes with emotional pain. My stomach knots all up and I feel like I'm going to throw-up. My body tenses and hurts. Then the emotional side. I'm separating and identifying the different emotions I am feeling when I feel Clara's loss. So far, I've experienced anxiety, frustration, worry, anger, deep and total sadness, panic, tiredness, and even desire for her. I've also felt other emotions that I don't know how to describe. They come maybe all together, or in different combinations. I want to understand this pain so that maybe I can mitigate it. It helps get me through the times when I am completely overcome with grief for her. Metaphorically, at the beginning of grief, it's like drowning. You can't get above the water and are being weighed down and sinking further and further into darkness. Then one day, you surprisingly find yourself breaking the top of the water for a moment and taking a great big gulp of air. Then you start to sink down again, but slowly you're able to break the surface again and again. Finally, you are treading the water and you're not really sure how you are able to do it or exactly when you started doing it. You are spending more time above the water but sometimes get too tired to keep trying or treading so you sink under again. Or sometimes, a giant wave comes and grabs hold of you and pulls you under the water. I am still at the treading water stage and sometimes I get tired and sometimes the wave comes, but I eventually start treading water again. I don't know what the next stage will be, but I'm sure I will find out.
I am so not ready for another baby. I desperately want to hold MY living baby in my arms. Look upon MY child's living face. Feeling MY child's movements. Watching My child breathe. But, I am not ready. The thought is terrifying. Fear of this happening again. Fear of loving this child and missing Clara more because this child lived. Fear knowing that this child is coming after Clara and how are they ever supposed to know how much she meant to us? We all remember her, but this child won't ever know her. These reasons are why I am not ready. I am not ready to confront those emotions yet, life if hard enough at the moment.
I still have trouble sleeping. Whenever I'm alone, or try to close my eyes to sleep, I see my baby. I see her last ultrasound when I found out she had died. I see her with her cord wrapped around her neck like in the picture Ken took of her. I see her lifeless body. I want to reach through my memories and grab her out of them and change everything. Visions of her come unbidden. Her birth was absolutely horrifying and terrifying. I think back to her birth and can't believe that we actually did that! When I see the sadder parts like above, I panic and freak out, and try to hold it together. Sometimes I see her in our arms though. What I remember most about her is the first time they layed her in my arms. I remember her weight and her tiny, but perfect, features. Her shoulders and the tiniest fingernails. She was so little and so narrow. Her build was like mine, small bones. My first impression was of her little mouth. It looked just like Isabel's mouth, just smaller. I noticed that her nose looked a lot like Nathan's. She had the tiniest eyes and dark eyelashes. I wish I had opened her eyes a little so that I could see her eye color. I'm sure she would have had brown eyes like the rest of us, but it would be nice to know for sure. I see Clara in Ken, Nathan, and Isabel. But, is she in me? She was definitely my child. She was a great mix between Nathan and Isabel, but I don't see ME in her. Well, not in her face. I do see me in her in the shape of her hands and feet. There is a picture we have where her hand in laying on her chest. Ken took it right after she was born. Her hand looks just like mine. The shape of her hand, her fingers. Her feet it's the same thing. The curve of her foot, her long toes. Whenever I see my hands, I see her hands and think of her. Same with Bella's hands and feet. Sometimes when Bella's sleeping, she looks just like Clara did. It's very interesting at times. Clara definitely had Nathan's nose. It's the cutest little nose! I see his little nose and see Clara. I was talking to Ken about something that Bella did, and I accidentally called her Clara. It made me smile. It was just more affirmation that Clara is still a big part of our family and truly one of us. I call Nathan, Belle, and Belle, Nathan, so it was nice to hear myself call Belle, Clara.
I am making sure that Nathan and Isabel also know how important THEY are. I spend a lot of time thinking about Clara and missing her, but I am also thinking about Nathan and Isabel and their futures. Their lives. They are my children here on earth and so very very precious to me. Some moms have lost all of their children, some moms have lost their only child. I know how very fortunate I am to still have two of my children with me. And I will make sure that they have the best lives possible and all of the love in the world.
I think of Clara and I think about seeing her again. I wonder if I'll even know her, and maybe more upsetting, will she know me? I got to hold her and see her and love on her after she died. She never got to see my face, or feel me loving her. She heard my heart beating. Will she know how much I have missed her and how happy I am to see her and how momentous that moment is? Will I? Sometimes I get really panicked because we have been separated for so long. How can I protect her when we're not together? It's very confusing with the different thoughts and feelings that come. When we visit her grave, we'll usually wander about and look at the other graves nearby. If someone even appears to be going close to Clara's grave, I rush back over to it. I hate leaving her grave when other people are at the cemetery. They don't even have to be near, just in the vicinity. I want to protect her and keep her safe, but I couldn't do that and I still can't. It's frustrating.
Visions still haunt me, but I will not let it destroy me. Clara couldn't live her life and I will do my best to live a life that is worthy of her remembrance. Children have a way of changing their parents permanently. I love being a mom and my children have changed me so much and will continue to do so as they grow. Clara can't grow, but she is still changing me. Everything has changed. What once was important isn't as much now, while things that weren't as important as before are now more important. My core has shifted. My thoughts are different. I am still me, but I am also not me. I have to put the pieces back together and I am and will be different then I was before Clara. There is a very big catalyst in my life and that was Clara dying. It was a sudden and drastic change, so things happened faster than they normally would have. So now I stand at a crossroads. What do I want out of my life? Now is the time to make it happen. I am not afraid anymore of failing or making the wrong decision. I think there are many decisions and many right paths, I just have to pick one. There are some things that I am no longer willing to compromise on or willing to put up with. There are also some things that I am more willing to compromise on and more willing to put up with. I will stand and I will not fall. What an interesting journey this is.
I'm trying to pinpoint what exactly this pain is. What is emotional pain? What causes it to happen? There is definitely a physical pain that comes with emotional pain. My stomach knots all up and I feel like I'm going to throw-up. My body tenses and hurts. Then the emotional side. I'm separating and identifying the different emotions I am feeling when I feel Clara's loss. So far, I've experienced anxiety, frustration, worry, anger, deep and total sadness, panic, tiredness, and even desire for her. I've also felt other emotions that I don't know how to describe. They come maybe all together, or in different combinations. I want to understand this pain so that maybe I can mitigate it. It helps get me through the times when I am completely overcome with grief for her. Metaphorically, at the beginning of grief, it's like drowning. You can't get above the water and are being weighed down and sinking further and further into darkness. Then one day, you surprisingly find yourself breaking the top of the water for a moment and taking a great big gulp of air. Then you start to sink down again, but slowly you're able to break the surface again and again. Finally, you are treading the water and you're not really sure how you are able to do it or exactly when you started doing it. You are spending more time above the water but sometimes get too tired to keep trying or treading so you sink under again. Or sometimes, a giant wave comes and grabs hold of you and pulls you under the water. I am still at the treading water stage and sometimes I get tired and sometimes the wave comes, but I eventually start treading water again. I don't know what the next stage will be, but I'm sure I will find out.
I am so not ready for another baby. I desperately want to hold MY living baby in my arms. Look upon MY child's living face. Feeling MY child's movements. Watching My child breathe. But, I am not ready. The thought is terrifying. Fear of this happening again. Fear of loving this child and missing Clara more because this child lived. Fear knowing that this child is coming after Clara and how are they ever supposed to know how much she meant to us? We all remember her, but this child won't ever know her. These reasons are why I am not ready. I am not ready to confront those emotions yet, life if hard enough at the moment.
I still have trouble sleeping. Whenever I'm alone, or try to close my eyes to sleep, I see my baby. I see her last ultrasound when I found out she had died. I see her with her cord wrapped around her neck like in the picture Ken took of her. I see her lifeless body. I want to reach through my memories and grab her out of them and change everything. Visions of her come unbidden. Her birth was absolutely horrifying and terrifying. I think back to her birth and can't believe that we actually did that! When I see the sadder parts like above, I panic and freak out, and try to hold it together. Sometimes I see her in our arms though. What I remember most about her is the first time they layed her in my arms. I remember her weight and her tiny, but perfect, features. Her shoulders and the tiniest fingernails. She was so little and so narrow. Her build was like mine, small bones. My first impression was of her little mouth. It looked just like Isabel's mouth, just smaller. I noticed that her nose looked a lot like Nathan's. She had the tiniest eyes and dark eyelashes. I wish I had opened her eyes a little so that I could see her eye color. I'm sure she would have had brown eyes like the rest of us, but it would be nice to know for sure. I see Clara in Ken, Nathan, and Isabel. But, is she in me? She was definitely my child. She was a great mix between Nathan and Isabel, but I don't see ME in her. Well, not in her face. I do see me in her in the shape of her hands and feet. There is a picture we have where her hand in laying on her chest. Ken took it right after she was born. Her hand looks just like mine. The shape of her hand, her fingers. Her feet it's the same thing. The curve of her foot, her long toes. Whenever I see my hands, I see her hands and think of her. Same with Bella's hands and feet. Sometimes when Bella's sleeping, she looks just like Clara did. It's very interesting at times. Clara definitely had Nathan's nose. It's the cutest little nose! I see his little nose and see Clara. I was talking to Ken about something that Bella did, and I accidentally called her Clara. It made me smile. It was just more affirmation that Clara is still a big part of our family and truly one of us. I call Nathan, Belle, and Belle, Nathan, so it was nice to hear myself call Belle, Clara.
I am making sure that Nathan and Isabel also know how important THEY are. I spend a lot of time thinking about Clara and missing her, but I am also thinking about Nathan and Isabel and their futures. Their lives. They are my children here on earth and so very very precious to me. Some moms have lost all of their children, some moms have lost their only child. I know how very fortunate I am to still have two of my children with me. And I will make sure that they have the best lives possible and all of the love in the world.
I think of Clara and I think about seeing her again. I wonder if I'll even know her, and maybe more upsetting, will she know me? I got to hold her and see her and love on her after she died. She never got to see my face, or feel me loving her. She heard my heart beating. Will she know how much I have missed her and how happy I am to see her and how momentous that moment is? Will I? Sometimes I get really panicked because we have been separated for so long. How can I protect her when we're not together? It's very confusing with the different thoughts and feelings that come. When we visit her grave, we'll usually wander about and look at the other graves nearby. If someone even appears to be going close to Clara's grave, I rush back over to it. I hate leaving her grave when other people are at the cemetery. They don't even have to be near, just in the vicinity. I want to protect her and keep her safe, but I couldn't do that and I still can't. It's frustrating.
Visions still haunt me, but I will not let it destroy me. Clara couldn't live her life and I will do my best to live a life that is worthy of her remembrance. Children have a way of changing their parents permanently. I love being a mom and my children have changed me so much and will continue to do so as they grow. Clara can't grow, but she is still changing me. Everything has changed. What once was important isn't as much now, while things that weren't as important as before are now more important. My core has shifted. My thoughts are different. I am still me, but I am also not me. I have to put the pieces back together and I am and will be different then I was before Clara. There is a very big catalyst in my life and that was Clara dying. It was a sudden and drastic change, so things happened faster than they normally would have. So now I stand at a crossroads. What do I want out of my life? Now is the time to make it happen. I am not afraid anymore of failing or making the wrong decision. I think there are many decisions and many right paths, I just have to pick one. There are some things that I am no longer willing to compromise on or willing to put up with. There are also some things that I am more willing to compromise on and more willing to put up with. I will stand and I will not fall. What an interesting journey this is.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
April is Over
When I found out that I was pregnant with Clara, I was so excited. I cried when I saw that positive pregnancy test. Ken and I had only tried in July and we were surprised and happy that it happened the first month that we tried. I was also very nervous. I kept reassuring myself and telling myself that no matter what, today, I AM pregnant. As time went on, I relaxed more and after we passed the 1st trimester I no longer worried about miscarrying. I was anxious to get to 20 weeks though, so that she would count as a person if she died, and then 24 weeks, so that she was viable in case she had to be born. Never did I imagine that at 7 months pregnant, my baby would die. I thought we were in the clear and that she would live. But in the back of my mind, I was always worried. Pregnant women do worry throughout their pregnancies, but this was something else. Some part of me knew that something would happen to Clara. Whether my body knew that something was amiss, or my subconscious could sense it, I knew that Clara was not going to be with us long. I never really dreamed of Clara. I hold a lot of meaning towards certain dreams. I was never too worried when I was pregnant with Nathan, but when I was pregnant with Isabel, I worried that she would be born early, and at around 27 weeks, I dreamt of this little dark haired perfect baby girl, and she was laying on a Lily. She told me that she was fine and that I didn't need to worry. After that dream, I no longer worried about her as much and she arrived full-term, healthy, head full of dark hair, and in May. May's flower is the Lily of the Valley but I didn't know that until she was born. With Clara, I never really dreamt of her. I dreamt that I got a positive pregnancy test before I found out I was pregnant with her, so I tested the next day and sure enough, positive. I dreamt of her before my first appointment with my doctor at 8 weeks and she was perfectly formed in my stomach and I saw her mouth and it was perfect. I had my first ultrasound that day, and I wasn't too nervous because of my dream. I saw her on that screen and I got teary eyed seeing my little baby with a tiny little heart beating away. After that, I never dreamt of her. I felt blocked from her. That made me worry. If I needed reassurance about something, I would get it through a dream. I wasn't getting that with Clara. When we found out that she was struggling, I still didn't dream of her. That really scared me. I think that's partly why I wasn't so shocked when they told me she had died.
I don't believe in signs anymore. Not even dream signs. And even if signs exist, what good do they do. They can't change anything so there really is no point to them. Just something to make people feel like they have some control over their lives. Clara's birth was such a twisted experience. So close to the real happy thing, but dark sharp edges instead of happy ones. Even the smells of the hospital meant happiness, but now, they mean death and the ultimate heartbreak. I hate it that death and everything dead has become what is normal in regards to Clara. About a week ago, I was minding my own business and I had a sudden flash of memory, seeing Clara on the ultrasound when I found out she was dead. Seeing her in my mind again. During that ultrasound, it looked like she was facing down, and I saw her skull and top of her back and she was so still. I knew right away. When that memory went through my head, I freaked out. I didn't want that to have happened. I get so anxious about all things Clara. It sucks. But, other times, I do feel peace about her too. It's only been 3 1/2 months and I have to remember that. Right after Clara died, time FLEW! I couldn't believe how fast it was passing. Now, it seems to have come to an almost stop. I keep saying it's been 3 1/2 months, but I feel like I've been saying that for forever.
In some ways, it's worse now than when Clara was first born. I don't feel sad all of the time anymore, but I don't feel happy either. When the sadness comes, it's like a sledgehammer slamming into me. It comes unexpectedly and I am unprepared for the pain. There are some things that trigger it; babies, hearing about babies, thinking about babies, experiences I had with Clara. And there are other times when there is no trigger. Out of the blue, my heart shatters again and there is nothing I can do to stop it. It's like fighting a war within myself and I don't know if I'm winning or not or when it's going to end. It leaves me shaken and tired. I don't even have the strength to try to fight it at times, but our minds have a defense for that too, which is good. I'm tired of being the mommy of a dead baby. I'm tired of feeling this pain. I'm tired of my family having to suffer through this. I don't know how it will affect the kids and their lives. I don't know what the future will bring for our family. Even day to day stressors are impossible to deal with at times. I have no patience for them and want little to do with them. But as they say, life goes on and it's pushing me along with it no matter how much I resist or how much I want to just wallow. I feel like someday, someone is going to bring Clara back to me. I think that they will just show up on my doorstep with my living, happy baby in their arms and hand her to me. I won't care about the time I missed with her. I will just love that I get her back. I know that can't ever happen, but it sure would be nice!
I've started waking up at night again. I started that after Clara's bad ultrasound and it's only been about a month since I stopped doing that and got to bed at a reasonable hour. I don't know why I wake up, but I'm wide awake and can't go back to sleep for awhile. I think of Clara. I think of losing her and I try not to think of what she went through. That makes me feel sick to think that she was suffering or in pain. It kills me to think that she had this silent battle going on and I didn't even know. I don't understand how I could not have known. She was connected to me, we shared one body. Isabel hurt her thumb and when she told me that she hurt it, she said it's like Clara. I asked her what she meant because it didn't make sense, and she said again that it's like Clara. I told her I didn't understand. She said it's pain, like Clara felt. Ahhhh. I see. The kids think of her too and think about what she might have gone through. They worry that she suffered and hurt. I have reassured them that she didn't suffer and didn't feel pain. When Bella told me this, I told her that Clara didn't feel pain or suffer. I told her that Clara just drifted off and that one moment she was in me, and the next, the angels came and carried her to Heaven, safe in their arms. She smiled at that and gave me a big hug. She obviously liked that! I, of course, started crying. I always do when I talk to the kids about Clara. I know I need to stop so that they feel free to talk about her with me. They don't like to see me sad, but I think I've done a good enough job so that they know that it's ok if we talk about her and I cry. I can talk all day about Clara and not cry, but when it comes to the kids, I can't help it. They are at such a more personal, intimate level than anybody else. I've also noticed that Isabel is usually tearful, whiny, and argumentative until we are all home together. We are home for about an hour before Ken gets home, and she does a complete 180' once he gets home. She will be all smiles and full of energy. Nathan is doing pretty well. I think he's just old enough to have a better understanding of things so he seems more stable with his feelings about our life right now.
I still don't really do anything. I go to work and I come home. I have no desire to do anything or go anywhere. I do do errands and things like that. Family events and get-togethers are hard. I'm sure the holidays will be too. I think of holidays and I dread them. They make me even more aware that Clara is gone and I know that someone very important is missing from the occasion. I don't want to celebrate anything or go out in social settings. I don't get excited for anything, just pretty monotone usually. Every once in awhile, I can feel my old self flare up inside and I will become animated again, but then that passes and I go back into myself. Maybe someday that will come back. I used to be a bright red, and now, I'm like a dull, lackluster red. I have heard that it takes a good 6 months to really start to feel normal.
April is now over. It has been a hard month because Clara was due at the beginning of April. I folded down the month on my calendar at work so I didn't have to see the word April. I didn't want to see it all of the time. It is now May and one more step further on this journey. As they say, April showers bring May flowers. Hopefully, May and beyond will be brighter and bring us some joy.
I don't believe in signs anymore. Not even dream signs. And even if signs exist, what good do they do. They can't change anything so there really is no point to them. Just something to make people feel like they have some control over their lives. Clara's birth was such a twisted experience. So close to the real happy thing, but dark sharp edges instead of happy ones. Even the smells of the hospital meant happiness, but now, they mean death and the ultimate heartbreak. I hate it that death and everything dead has become what is normal in regards to Clara. About a week ago, I was minding my own business and I had a sudden flash of memory, seeing Clara on the ultrasound when I found out she was dead. Seeing her in my mind again. During that ultrasound, it looked like she was facing down, and I saw her skull and top of her back and she was so still. I knew right away. When that memory went through my head, I freaked out. I didn't want that to have happened. I get so anxious about all things Clara. It sucks. But, other times, I do feel peace about her too. It's only been 3 1/2 months and I have to remember that. Right after Clara died, time FLEW! I couldn't believe how fast it was passing. Now, it seems to have come to an almost stop. I keep saying it's been 3 1/2 months, but I feel like I've been saying that for forever.
In some ways, it's worse now than when Clara was first born. I don't feel sad all of the time anymore, but I don't feel happy either. When the sadness comes, it's like a sledgehammer slamming into me. It comes unexpectedly and I am unprepared for the pain. There are some things that trigger it; babies, hearing about babies, thinking about babies, experiences I had with Clara. And there are other times when there is no trigger. Out of the blue, my heart shatters again and there is nothing I can do to stop it. It's like fighting a war within myself and I don't know if I'm winning or not or when it's going to end. It leaves me shaken and tired. I don't even have the strength to try to fight it at times, but our minds have a defense for that too, which is good. I'm tired of being the mommy of a dead baby. I'm tired of feeling this pain. I'm tired of my family having to suffer through this. I don't know how it will affect the kids and their lives. I don't know what the future will bring for our family. Even day to day stressors are impossible to deal with at times. I have no patience for them and want little to do with them. But as they say, life goes on and it's pushing me along with it no matter how much I resist or how much I want to just wallow. I feel like someday, someone is going to bring Clara back to me. I think that they will just show up on my doorstep with my living, happy baby in their arms and hand her to me. I won't care about the time I missed with her. I will just love that I get her back. I know that can't ever happen, but it sure would be nice!
I've started waking up at night again. I started that after Clara's bad ultrasound and it's only been about a month since I stopped doing that and got to bed at a reasonable hour. I don't know why I wake up, but I'm wide awake and can't go back to sleep for awhile. I think of Clara. I think of losing her and I try not to think of what she went through. That makes me feel sick to think that she was suffering or in pain. It kills me to think that she had this silent battle going on and I didn't even know. I don't understand how I could not have known. She was connected to me, we shared one body. Isabel hurt her thumb and when she told me that she hurt it, she said it's like Clara. I asked her what she meant because it didn't make sense, and she said again that it's like Clara. I told her I didn't understand. She said it's pain, like Clara felt. Ahhhh. I see. The kids think of her too and think about what she might have gone through. They worry that she suffered and hurt. I have reassured them that she didn't suffer and didn't feel pain. When Bella told me this, I told her that Clara didn't feel pain or suffer. I told her that Clara just drifted off and that one moment she was in me, and the next, the angels came and carried her to Heaven, safe in their arms. She smiled at that and gave me a big hug. She obviously liked that! I, of course, started crying. I always do when I talk to the kids about Clara. I know I need to stop so that they feel free to talk about her with me. They don't like to see me sad, but I think I've done a good enough job so that they know that it's ok if we talk about her and I cry. I can talk all day about Clara and not cry, but when it comes to the kids, I can't help it. They are at such a more personal, intimate level than anybody else. I've also noticed that Isabel is usually tearful, whiny, and argumentative until we are all home together. We are home for about an hour before Ken gets home, and she does a complete 180' once he gets home. She will be all smiles and full of energy. Nathan is doing pretty well. I think he's just old enough to have a better understanding of things so he seems more stable with his feelings about our life right now.
I still don't really do anything. I go to work and I come home. I have no desire to do anything or go anywhere. I do do errands and things like that. Family events and get-togethers are hard. I'm sure the holidays will be too. I think of holidays and I dread them. They make me even more aware that Clara is gone and I know that someone very important is missing from the occasion. I don't want to celebrate anything or go out in social settings. I don't get excited for anything, just pretty monotone usually. Every once in awhile, I can feel my old self flare up inside and I will become animated again, but then that passes and I go back into myself. Maybe someday that will come back. I used to be a bright red, and now, I'm like a dull, lackluster red. I have heard that it takes a good 6 months to really start to feel normal.
April is now over. It has been a hard month because Clara was due at the beginning of April. I folded down the month on my calendar at work so I didn't have to see the word April. I didn't want to see it all of the time. It is now May and one more step further on this journey. As they say, April showers bring May flowers. Hopefully, May and beyond will be brighter and bring us some joy.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
StillBorn and Still Loved
Ken and I went to visit Clara's grave on Saturday. I hadn't seen her headstone yet and I wanted to see it in person. It is BEAUTIFUL! Bigger than it looked in the pictures that Ken sent me! The red stone is just perfect for her. Red means a lot. For one, it's the color of garnet, which is her birthstone, for two, it's one of my favorite colors, and for three, it's such a brilliant and burning color, just beautiful!
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| Her last name is on her headstone but I erased it from the picture for privacy reasons. I put my hand on it to help show the size of the headstone. You can see the Hummingbird, Dragon, and Butterfly. Her 3 symbols. |
Here is a picture of the headstone without my hand. You can see her Easter basket next to it too. They layed sod down on the indent after they placed her headstone to make the ground even.
We are very happy with her headstone. Ken didn't tell me until a couple of days ago, but the funeral director emailed Ken the Monday after Ken and the kids saw the headstone to let us know that her headstone was in, and that they put her Easter basket back on her grave after the headstone was placed. That was nice of them to let us know!
After Ken and I spent some time with Clara, we wandered again through the Baby Land section. On one of the headstones of a baby girl, the parents had put the saying, "Stillborn and Still Loved". I LOVED it!! Even though Clara died before she was born, she was still born and still loved. One thing that I have found common with mothers that have had their children die before they were born is the fear that their child does not matter to others or won't be loved by others because they never took a breath. Just because our babies never breathed, doesn't mean they weren't so very wanted and cherished and deserving of love and remembrance. They are our children just as much as our breathing children and we will always love them. They were still born and still very much loved.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Our Life (Added an Edit!)
Clara. We miss her like crazy. Overall, I think we are all doing ok, but I still worry about Nathan and Isabel. They are old enough to understand she died and to feel her loss. They will remember her forever and it has changed their lives. But, they are young enough to not understand everything, even their own feelings about it. At their ages, Nathan on the higher end of it, they are very egocentric. Something THEY did caused Clara to die. Some sort of magical means caused Clara to die. Something that could possibly grad hold of them or someone else that they care about and have them die too. They have learned a very hard lesson in life. That people that they love can die. That babies can die. That their sister can die. I know that sometimes it's very confusing for them and very sad. Sometimes they don't want to talk about her and other times, they do. Their feelings can be so conflicted at times. They both said that they DO like to talk about Clara. They like to remember her and think about her. Sometimes it feels good to talk about her and other times it makes them sad. When they are wanting to talk about her, I let them. They have to know that Clara is a safe topic and that their feelings are valid and that it's ok to talk about her even if they or others get sad. I've found the best way to judge how they are feeling at a particular moment is to just ask them. They are both pretty good at expressing their feelings and are quite good at letting us know when something is not ok.
One day, Nathan started talking about Clara. He had tears in his eyes and he said that he was so mad that he wanted to punch something. He asked why Clara couldn't have had the chance to live outside of me? Why didn't the doctors take her out the week before? Why did she die? He said he hated her cord for killing her. It's so hard watching your child grieving and knowing there's really not much you can do. I told him I didn't really have answers to his questions. Sometimes bad things just happen and that we made the best choice for her with what we knew at the time and that was to give her a chance to grow. With her cord, when the kids have been so angry at it, I told them that although it killed her, it also gave her life. I hope that helps them. Nathan does seem to be doing quite well however. He speaks so eloquently for his age. A couple of days ago he said, "fortune smiled upon me yesterday". It was so cute! I think his understanding of Clara's death and his acceptance of death is also advanced for his age.
Bella says that she wants a sissy that's alive. She says that she does have a sister and loves her, but she also wants one that's alive. I don't blame her! She was really looking forward to having a sister. Awhile ago she also said, "I guess that Clara won't be using the things we picked out for her". No sweet girl, she won't. She's also gotten angry and has asked why the doctors couldn't save Clara. It's so hard. Bella keeps any stuffed animal that represents Clara. Nathan and Belle both have their Clara lambs, but Bella confiscated a couple of others. One is a little pink monkey that Sarah got us when Clara was born. That is in her bed. The other is a duplicate of the chick that we got Clara for Easter. That is also in her bed. Along with Clara Lamb, Pony, George, and a stuffed cat she got for Christmas. Those 6 spend their days on her pillow and their nights wrapped in Belle's arms. I haven't actually given her the Clara animals, but they quickly disappeared from their spots and ended up in her bed. Hey, she obviously needs them with her! A month after Clara died, Bella's friends mom died. It was very sudden. Bella didn't tell me at first but I could tell that something was wrong, but she didn't want to talk about it. Finally, in passing, she just said that that the little girl's mom died. Oh dear. It was a hard hit for her.
The kids found a fire bug when they were playing outside. Apparently, Nathan saw that it's wings were broken so he decided to put it out of its misery. He picked up a big rock and smashed it. Then he and Isabel buried it, or at least pieces of it, and held a little funeral for it. They named the bug Twitchy. Hmmm, I wonder if it was twitching before they buried it. Bella made a picture of it and hung it on her wall. The next day Bella came home with a dead potato bug that she had named Whirly. She had it in a little Polly Pocket trunk. She opened up the trunk and showed me and sure enough, it was dead. She knew it. She wanted to keep it so I told her she could. She held onto that bug for days. Sometimes she would shake the trunk to hear the click of the dead bug against it. She would get sad off and on about Whirly and one day, Nathan told her, "Bella, everything dies. Someday you, me, mom, and dad will die. You can't keep that dead bug forever, it will eventually deteriorate". Sigh.
We have had some difficulties with the kids. Nathan has been angrier at times and seems less able to or wanting to deal with day to day stressors. He's quick to recover however and does seem ok overall. Bella has been lying about the dumbest things, to us and her teachers, calling me to tell me she's sick at least once a week when the teacher or secretary finally relents and lets her call me, acting and talking like a baby. She's much more emotional about things. It's hard to watch them struggle and I don't know how to help them. There is a grief support group for children close to our house that looks promising. They seem excited about it so we are going to check it out. Nathan and Isabel lost someone that they loved and cared about. They were so excited for Clara from the beginning. They had made so many plans of what they would do with her. Their want to see her was what made us officially decide to let them even see Clara. They WANTED to and both expressed that they wanted to see her. I think that was one of the best decisions we made throughout all of this. They understand each other so well and do really well together. As long as they have each other, I KNOW they will be alright. Nathan reads to Bella with voice changes and excitement and all, and Bella plays Nathan's games with him. They are an awesome pair! When we were at the hospital, the nurses told us that Nathan and Isabel were the best kids they had ever seen. You go guys!
Ken and I are also doing ok. We are working through it and the counseling is helping a ton. When we first found out that Clara died, I told Ken that the divorce rate is huge when your child dies. My doctor told us that, the nurses, more doctors, I felt that everyone was warning us. At first, it seemed unfounded. Clara's death brought us closer. We needed each other so much. As time went on, our grief became different from each others. Not more or less than the other, just different. We weren't understanding each other and little things because huge things and impossible to deal with. Day to day irritants couldn't be ignored. We were both hurting so much and not listening to or understanding the other person's needs. We fought so much and the kids noticed. That was the hardest part for me. It became a you hurt my feelings or you said this. Neither one of us had any patience for the other and the anger and resentment was building. I fully understand why couples break up after the loss of their child. It's not the actual death of the child, it's all the feelings that come after, how you change, what you are capable of dealing with, what you are wanting to deal with. You have your great grief and you have everyday life. It has nothing to do with how much you love your partner. Throughout 12 years together, I have never felt that Ken and I might not be able to work it out until now and that scares me. I have felt so alone so many times since losing Clara. I think that there is a part of grief that has to be handled alone. Sometimes that's all that there is. I know that Ken has tried his best to not make me feel that way, and I have done my best for him. Sometimes though, the pain makes the judgments. I also believe that we are fully committed to making this work and I have great hope that we will be able to do that.
** I am editing this post to also add that Ken and I ARE doing fine. We are definitely working through our issues and finding out new things about each other which seems a little weird after being together for so long! But it's also good as well. We are starting to spend more time with just each other and we are both doing our best to be understanding to the other ones needs and wants. It's a whole journey in and off itself!
One day, Nathan started talking about Clara. He had tears in his eyes and he said that he was so mad that he wanted to punch something. He asked why Clara couldn't have had the chance to live outside of me? Why didn't the doctors take her out the week before? Why did she die? He said he hated her cord for killing her. It's so hard watching your child grieving and knowing there's really not much you can do. I told him I didn't really have answers to his questions. Sometimes bad things just happen and that we made the best choice for her with what we knew at the time and that was to give her a chance to grow. With her cord, when the kids have been so angry at it, I told them that although it killed her, it also gave her life. I hope that helps them. Nathan does seem to be doing quite well however. He speaks so eloquently for his age. A couple of days ago he said, "fortune smiled upon me yesterday". It was so cute! I think his understanding of Clara's death and his acceptance of death is also advanced for his age.
Bella says that she wants a sissy that's alive. She says that she does have a sister and loves her, but she also wants one that's alive. I don't blame her! She was really looking forward to having a sister. Awhile ago she also said, "I guess that Clara won't be using the things we picked out for her". No sweet girl, she won't. She's also gotten angry and has asked why the doctors couldn't save Clara. It's so hard. Bella keeps any stuffed animal that represents Clara. Nathan and Belle both have their Clara lambs, but Bella confiscated a couple of others. One is a little pink monkey that Sarah got us when Clara was born. That is in her bed. The other is a duplicate of the chick that we got Clara for Easter. That is also in her bed. Along with Clara Lamb, Pony, George, and a stuffed cat she got for Christmas. Those 6 spend their days on her pillow and their nights wrapped in Belle's arms. I haven't actually given her the Clara animals, but they quickly disappeared from their spots and ended up in her bed. Hey, she obviously needs them with her! A month after Clara died, Bella's friends mom died. It was very sudden. Bella didn't tell me at first but I could tell that something was wrong, but she didn't want to talk about it. Finally, in passing, she just said that that the little girl's mom died. Oh dear. It was a hard hit for her.
The kids found a fire bug when they were playing outside. Apparently, Nathan saw that it's wings were broken so he decided to put it out of its misery. He picked up a big rock and smashed it. Then he and Isabel buried it, or at least pieces of it, and held a little funeral for it. They named the bug Twitchy. Hmmm, I wonder if it was twitching before they buried it. Bella made a picture of it and hung it on her wall. The next day Bella came home with a dead potato bug that she had named Whirly. She had it in a little Polly Pocket trunk. She opened up the trunk and showed me and sure enough, it was dead. She knew it. She wanted to keep it so I told her she could. She held onto that bug for days. Sometimes she would shake the trunk to hear the click of the dead bug against it. She would get sad off and on about Whirly and one day, Nathan told her, "Bella, everything dies. Someday you, me, mom, and dad will die. You can't keep that dead bug forever, it will eventually deteriorate". Sigh.
We have had some difficulties with the kids. Nathan has been angrier at times and seems less able to or wanting to deal with day to day stressors. He's quick to recover however and does seem ok overall. Bella has been lying about the dumbest things, to us and her teachers, calling me to tell me she's sick at least once a week when the teacher or secretary finally relents and lets her call me, acting and talking like a baby. She's much more emotional about things. It's hard to watch them struggle and I don't know how to help them. There is a grief support group for children close to our house that looks promising. They seem excited about it so we are going to check it out. Nathan and Isabel lost someone that they loved and cared about. They were so excited for Clara from the beginning. They had made so many plans of what they would do with her. Their want to see her was what made us officially decide to let them even see Clara. They WANTED to and both expressed that they wanted to see her. I think that was one of the best decisions we made throughout all of this. They understand each other so well and do really well together. As long as they have each other, I KNOW they will be alright. Nathan reads to Bella with voice changes and excitement and all, and Bella plays Nathan's games with him. They are an awesome pair! When we were at the hospital, the nurses told us that Nathan and Isabel were the best kids they had ever seen. You go guys!
Ken and I are also doing ok. We are working through it and the counseling is helping a ton. When we first found out that Clara died, I told Ken that the divorce rate is huge when your child dies. My doctor told us that, the nurses, more doctors, I felt that everyone was warning us. At first, it seemed unfounded. Clara's death brought us closer. We needed each other so much. As time went on, our grief became different from each others. Not more or less than the other, just different. We weren't understanding each other and little things because huge things and impossible to deal with. Day to day irritants couldn't be ignored. We were both hurting so much and not listening to or understanding the other person's needs. We fought so much and the kids noticed. That was the hardest part for me. It became a you hurt my feelings or you said this. Neither one of us had any patience for the other and the anger and resentment was building. I fully understand why couples break up after the loss of their child. It's not the actual death of the child, it's all the feelings that come after, how you change, what you are capable of dealing with, what you are wanting to deal with. You have your great grief and you have everyday life. It has nothing to do with how much you love your partner. Throughout 12 years together, I have never felt that Ken and I might not be able to work it out until now and that scares me. I have felt so alone so many times since losing Clara. I think that there is a part of grief that has to be handled alone. Sometimes that's all that there is. I know that Ken has tried his best to not make me feel that way, and I have done my best for him. Sometimes though, the pain makes the judgments. I also believe that we are fully committed to making this work and I have great hope that we will be able to do that.
** I am editing this post to also add that Ken and I ARE doing fine. We are definitely working through our issues and finding out new things about each other which seems a little weird after being together for so long! But it's also good as well. We are starting to spend more time with just each other and we are both doing our best to be understanding to the other ones needs and wants. It's a whole journey in and off itself!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Dreams and Awakening
Last night I dreamt about Clara. It wasn't a sad dream, or necessarily a good dream, but as my friend put it, it was a touching dream. Ken had written Clara a letter that he put in her casket with her. We didn't make a copy so those words are forever Clara's. In my dream, I wanted a copy, so we went to the cemetery and told them that we wanted that letter. They brought her casket in the room and left. Her casket was perfectly white and her flowers were still on top of it. We opened up her casket and she was as perfect as she was when we buried her. The letter was under her, so we lifted her out and layed her on the table so we could get the letter. Ken carefully got the letter out from under her and left the room with Nathan to make a copy of it. Bella and I stayed in the room with Clara. I looked at Clara and was so sad she was dead. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her little hand start moving. Just slowly moving back and forth. I stared at her hand. I figured it was just electric signals still being sent. Then, she started to breathe. Very slowly at first, but then her breathing picked up and got to a normal rhythm. She pinked up and her body transformed into that of about a 3 month old, which is how old she would be now. She opened her eyes and started to softly cry. Not too loud. I knew she wasn't scared or hurt, but that she was hungry. I picked up Clara and held her, patted her back, and whispered comfort into her ear. I yelled for Ken to come back into the room. He came in and asked what I needed. I told him to look at Clara. He looked at the table where she had been laying and looked back at me confused. I shook my head at him and pointed to Clara in my arms. I woke up after that, but I didn't feel sad or wanting to go back to sleep to keep dreaming of her. I looked at the clock and it was about 1:30 in the morning. I felt satisfied. I remembered the feeling of holding my daughter living in my arms and comforting her as she cried. I got to be her mama and take care of her needs. I can still feel how she felt in my arms as I was doing that and it's a wonderful feeling. It's so hard being the parent of a dead child. You can't DO anything for them but you ache to do anything for them.
A bit ago, I asked Sarah when I would finally awaken. Finally feel as if my head had cleared and I would feel more normal. When would I feel alive again and not just trying to make it through each day. She told me that I would when I was ready. Now, I feel as if I have finally awoken. Myself, my soul, is finally stronger than my pain. Oh how I miss my baby and desperately want to be her mama, but I cannot do that and I am willing now to accept that. Clara will always be in my heart and I will always carry her there, but I accept that it wasn't my job to guide her through life, to kiss her owies away, to sing her bedtime songs. It was my job to give her life and then let her go. I accept it but that doesn't mean I like it or that I am happy about it. I will continue on with my life though and know that I did everything that I could for my daughter. I do see now though, that I have to give my attention to my children that still need me. Clara doesn't need me even though we might need her.
There were so many days that I didn't think I was going to make it, days that I didn't WANT to make it. Sometimes I would jump up and frantically look around for something....I had so many emotions rolling through my head. I would walk around lost, wandering, nothing made sense. There was no where to go. The pain was almost unbearable inside. I wanted to leave myself because it hurt so much to BE myself, but there was no where to run. I would go for drives when I would get too upset or when I felt completely overwhelmed with my emotions. I would drive as fast as I could to help take that feeling away. Most of the time, I would end up at Clara's grave, or if the cemetery was closed, find myself driving by it. I wanted my baby. I wanted to be close to her. That's what calmed me down. Now, I feel calmer inside. More in control. Stronger.
I have awakened. My senses are clearing and in a way, it's almost like my own rebirth. I am coming out a little different, a little sadder, but I am coming out. I finally have my head above water and can breath a little easier. The pain is still there, but it no longer controls me all of the time. I no longer fear feeling good because I am feeling good for longer periods of time when it used to be so fleeting and I would feel worse because I had felt good when that great pain came back. Sometimes, I still curl up a bit because it hurts and I have to do my deep breaths, but I know I will get through it. I still love her, miss her, think of her. But, most of the time now, I feel more at peace when I think of her and don't get as angry. I think I'm coming to terms with her death. There is the saying that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I saw another saying that I thought was also true. It said, "I don't know if it's killing me or making me stronger". I feel that almost everyday. Am I getting better? Worse? Will this kill me? Or make me stronger than I've ever been? Grief is such an interesting process.
I get a lot of anxiety when getting something for or about Clara. Getting her death certificate I was jittery and anxious. When I found out her headstone was in, the same thing. Even the day we buried her I was super anxious. I've realized that it was because I know there are no do overs when it comes to Clara. We have to get it perfect the first time. The small amount that we were given is all that we will ever get of her. I hold onto everything of her so tightly. I want every second to be a lifetime. Every picture to become 1000. But, I also try to remember that Clara DID live a lifetime. As short as it was, she lived her entire lifetime.
A bit ago, I asked Sarah when I would finally awaken. Finally feel as if my head had cleared and I would feel more normal. When would I feel alive again and not just trying to make it through each day. She told me that I would when I was ready. Now, I feel as if I have finally awoken. Myself, my soul, is finally stronger than my pain. Oh how I miss my baby and desperately want to be her mama, but I cannot do that and I am willing now to accept that. Clara will always be in my heart and I will always carry her there, but I accept that it wasn't my job to guide her through life, to kiss her owies away, to sing her bedtime songs. It was my job to give her life and then let her go. I accept it but that doesn't mean I like it or that I am happy about it. I will continue on with my life though and know that I did everything that I could for my daughter. I do see now though, that I have to give my attention to my children that still need me. Clara doesn't need me even though we might need her.
There were so many days that I didn't think I was going to make it, days that I didn't WANT to make it. Sometimes I would jump up and frantically look around for something....I had so many emotions rolling through my head. I would walk around lost, wandering, nothing made sense. There was no where to go. The pain was almost unbearable inside. I wanted to leave myself because it hurt so much to BE myself, but there was no where to run. I would go for drives when I would get too upset or when I felt completely overwhelmed with my emotions. I would drive as fast as I could to help take that feeling away. Most of the time, I would end up at Clara's grave, or if the cemetery was closed, find myself driving by it. I wanted my baby. I wanted to be close to her. That's what calmed me down. Now, I feel calmer inside. More in control. Stronger.
I have awakened. My senses are clearing and in a way, it's almost like my own rebirth. I am coming out a little different, a little sadder, but I am coming out. I finally have my head above water and can breath a little easier. The pain is still there, but it no longer controls me all of the time. I no longer fear feeling good because I am feeling good for longer periods of time when it used to be so fleeting and I would feel worse because I had felt good when that great pain came back. Sometimes, I still curl up a bit because it hurts and I have to do my deep breaths, but I know I will get through it. I still love her, miss her, think of her. But, most of the time now, I feel more at peace when I think of her and don't get as angry. I think I'm coming to terms with her death. There is the saying that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I saw another saying that I thought was also true. It said, "I don't know if it's killing me or making me stronger". I feel that almost everyday. Am I getting better? Worse? Will this kill me? Or make me stronger than I've ever been? Grief is such an interesting process.
I get a lot of anxiety when getting something for or about Clara. Getting her death certificate I was jittery and anxious. When I found out her headstone was in, the same thing. Even the day we buried her I was super anxious. I've realized that it was because I know there are no do overs when it comes to Clara. We have to get it perfect the first time. The small amount that we were given is all that we will ever get of her. I hold onto everything of her so tightly. I want every second to be a lifetime. Every picture to become 1000. But, I also try to remember that Clara DID live a lifetime. As short as it was, she lived her entire lifetime.
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