Remembering Her

There are so few times that we get to publicly remember our little girl, so the times that we do, we cherish. October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, and events all over the country, and the world, are held in honor and remembrance of babies that have died. This year, we participated in a few! On October 13th, we attended a Walk of Remembrance and Hope. It was amazing! I had been looking forward to this walk since right after Clara died. I loved being around other families that have also experienced baby loss, people that truly know how I feel and what my family is going through. We also had my sister and her daughter, my grandma, and Ken's mom come to support us and to remember Clara. I was so touched that they came! The service was wonderful and the walk was beautiful. We also did a balloon release and a name reading. When your baby's name was read, you released your balloon to Heaven. So powerful!! The sky was filled with balloons and it was really emotional to see how many babies in this one venue, in one city, have died.

Releasing Clara's and Lydia's balloon to Heaven!

On October 14th, a wonderful group in another state, held a walk to remember their babies, and other people's babies. They remembered over 600 babies. Every name was written on a banner, and every name was added to a video that they made in remembrance. Clara was one of the babies remembered by this group. I was so incredibly touched that people that I don't even know took their time to remember MY baby. I have a few pictures of her name on the banner, and the video that shows her name.

Part of the banner

Close-up of Clara's name!

October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Candles were lit all over the world at 7 pm their time, in remembrance of babies that have died. Although I couldn't light a candle at 7 because I wasn't home, I thought of my Clara, and all of the other babies gone too soon. It was great to have a special time to remember my daughter, and to tell the world that I have a daughter that died, and I love her, miss her, and will always remember her.

October 13th was also Clara's 9 month angelversary. Wow. I was telling Ken that now, babies that were conceived after Clara died, would be being born. It's a very strange feeling to know that new babies are here that didn't even exist when Clara died. It's hard to even wrap my head around it. But now starts a new journey because that is just how it will be from now on.

I think of Clara in Heaven, and I always imagine her so happy. I think of her with Lydia, and with other family members that have died. Just recently, I thought of her with our other baby that died early in my pregnancy before Clara. Right before I miscarried that baby, I had a dream that I was miscarrying and that that baby was a girl, and since I knew from early on what gender all of my other kids were, that baby was a girl. I've never done anything to really remember that baby, it was early in my pregnancy, and although it DID hurt, losing Clara was infinitely worse. I still do think about that baby too though, and sometimes I feel guilty that I don't think of "her" more. I have my hospital bracelet from when I went to the hospital when I was miscarrying that baby, and my positive pregnancy test. I actually put those items in a separate bag inside Clara's memory box. I know that some people name their babies that they lost early on in their pregnancies, and that sometimes, counselors even recommend having women name these babies to help them handle their grief, but I just can't think about different names to name my other dead baby, so I will just call her Angel Baby. So, back to my point :) I now sometimes think of Clara with her other "big" sister. I think of Clara and her angel sister together and waiting for us to one day join them. I don't know when the soul enters the body. Is it immediately upon conception? Or at some specific point during pregnancy? Did that baby have a soul? But I do believe that that baby did have a soul, and if she did, then of course her soul would be in Heaven with Clara. It's very hard to imagine that baby, or what she would look like. But I can imagine them together, and with Lydia. Three little girls together. It's a nice feeling.

The holidays are coming........I don't know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm so sad that my baby isn't here with us to celebrate the holidays with us. We will do everything we can to remember her during these days. Like I said before, there is a difference to being an Earth parent, and an Angel parent. We do our best to be the best parents to all our children. I want to be, and am, excited for Taters and Bella for the holidays, kids LOVE THEM!!! I'm also sad for me, Ken, and for them. Every day the holidays, and her 1st birthday, are getting closer, and every day, a little more weight is added to my shoulders about it. For Halloween, Clara was going to be baby Snow White, and Bella was going to be big Snow White. We already have both costumes, because the baby Snow White was Belle's when she was a baby. Both costumes are hanging in Belle's closet. I was going to put the baby Snow White costume away, but Bella wants it in her room still. She's sad that they can't be Snow White together. Thanksgiving....what am I thankful for? A lot. My health, my families health, my children and wonderful husband. I'm also angry that my baby girl is dead. Christmas....last Christmas, we were already thinking of how this Christmas, Clara would be here! We talked about how last Christmas was our last Christmas with the 4 of us, and how we would be shopping for 3 little ones next Christmas. Well, that's not going to happen. I was thinking of her Christmas stocking that I would make her, just like the ones that I made for Nathan and Isabel. It would have the Sugar Plum Fairy on it, because that's who she's named after. We would watch the Nutcracker and point out the Fairy to her. I will still make her stocking, and we will still hang it up, and maybe we will watch the Nutcracker, but maybe we won't. Either way, she'll be our Christmas Angel. New Years.....Clara was born in 2012, and once we leave 2012 behind, it feels that we are another step further from her. Part of me doesn't want to leave her behind, or to move on without her, but time doesn't stop and we are constantly moving on without her. I'm also looking forward to 2013 because 13 is Clara's number, and I hope that 2013 will be filled with hope and wonderful things. Her birthday.....more than that. Her birthday signifies that we have passed every day in the year without her. We should be celebrating her 1st birthday, giving her her first taste of cake. We have plans on what we will be doing that day, and it will be a day about Clara, but God I wish this whole situation was different. I have some ideas on how to make the Holidays easier on all of us, and I hope it helps, but I also know that a part of us will be grieving for the baby that is not with us on Earth.

It's also hard right now because we have memories of her from this time last year. I got pregnant with her in July, and that started a time when Clara was here "this time last year", but not having her be here now. I know when she was conceived, when I got that beautiful pregnancy test. The 1st time that I heard her heart beating, and the 1st time that I saw her. When we told the kids that she was coming and how happy they were. Announcing her imminent arrival to our families and friends! Feeling her move for the 1st time, hearing her heartbeat on my home doppler for the 1st time. The kids and Ken feeling her move! Watching my belly grow. Learning her sleep/awake patterns, and what made her kick more, and how she likes me to rub my belly. Feeling her snuggle up next to my organs, ouch! Proudly showing off my pregnant belly, and having people know that I was pregnant! Watching baby/birth shows, and dreaming about when she was going to be here. Preparing for her birth, and getting ready to sign the kids up for Big Brother/Big Sister classes! And then it all ended. Suddenly and tragically. Every hope, dream, and fantasy we had about her was destroyed. A bit after finding out that she was a girl, I remember walking up the stairs and just being so excited that we got to do the whole girl thing all over again! I had wanted a boy at first, but after knowing she was a girl, I was thrilled! We would get to do the hair bows, and princesses, and fancy dresses again! And now, I wouldn't be able to because now she is our Angel Girl.

We will always remember and think of our Clara. Although the heartache is great, and sometimes overwhelming, I embrace it because it means that Clara mattered to us, and that we love her and miss her. I would do it all over again for her, and I wouldn't trade her or this pain. I am THANKFUL that Clara is mine. Although I can't be an Earth mother to her, I can, and will be, the best Angel mother to her that I can be!

Fate, Destiny, Choice, Sacrifice, Hope

Of all the words in the title of this post, I don't know which one to pick to describe my feelings about this post, maybe it is all of them.

There is that awful saying that everything happens for a reason. But what is the reason for any baby dying? For my baby dying? An idea has come together over the last few months while I've been talking to people about Clara and why she died, and thinking of why she died. A beautiful and amazingly altruistic idea. I don't even know if I can put it correctly into words, but we will see.

When I first went back to work after Clara died, one of my co-workers told me how sorry she was and that she didn't know what I believed, but she believed that because Clara was so perfect, she didn't even have to be born to do what she needed to do in this life. At the time, it didn't give me comfort because I was still having a hard time even believing what had happened, but I kept it in my mind. Every so often, I would think of what she said, and it began to feel more and more right. I recently spoke with my counselor about it and went on with my own ideas that I had been thinking of, and that had been said to me. Here's what I came to realize. I don't know if I would have ever found out about my heart defect if we had not planned on bringing Clara into this life. The only reason I went to have it checked again was because I wanted to have another baby and I wanted to make sure it was safe. My doctor said to go ahead and try, it should be safe because I've had 2 other kids, but let's do another test just to be sure. So, we tried, and I got pregnant right away, and then the test came back that there was something wrong. Something wrong enough that could kill me, and made my doctors surprised that I had done so much physically. But, if that was all of her purpose, why didn't she die before we knew about her? There must be more. It was scary to go through a pregnancy knowing that my heart was defective. I tried not to think of it much, but I still did. My goal was to get Clara to an age where she could survive outside of me if I couldn't support her anymore. I did that. She was old enough to live. Once she was old enough, I relaxed a lot. I didn't know that she was already struggling. I didn't know that this pregnancy was already doomed. All I knew was that my baby could live, and I would die for her to live. But, that's not what happened. She died on me. She left me. I delivered her and really found out how strong I was, and how strong my family was. Another lesson. Since we have let her go, and gone through hell without her, we have grown stronger and closer. For me, my defenses were all ripped away. It was horrible and traumatic and incredibly hard, but I became vulnerable and had to be more open because the emotions that came pouring out were more than I could handle on my own. I needed others, and I had to confront the feelings and emotions that were racing through my head. I had to be honest about those emotions and open to others to help with those emotions. It's definitely still a work in progress, but I can empathize with people now, and I've found that as I'm more honest with my emotions, I've been able to develop close emotional relationships with people. Amazing. It was Clara's sacrifice that changed everything. If she had died before we ever knew her, I would have still found out about my heart, and we would have been spared this grief, but we would have also missed out on a life-changing event. A chance to change who we are that is only given through great trauma, a great loss. And, even more, missed out on knowing a beautiful little girl.

When I had my post-partum check-up with my doctor, we talked a lot about possible causes. The part that relates to this post is something that my doctor said. After going through all of Clara's ultrasounds, pathology reports, amnio reports, having had examined her after her birth, my doctor said she couldn't tell us why Clara died, but by what she saw, or didn't see, maybe it was fate that my little girl wasn't here with us. Maybe she just wasn't destined to be here long. That was hard to hear when I just lost my baby, but once it has time to settle in, it made a certain kind of sense. So, maybe Clara had a decision to make. A choice to come to us and stay for such a short time, but to change everything, or a different choice, with a different outcome. Maybe, because of her great love for us, she chose to be here for a short time. Knowing that she would never get to feel the warmth of the sun, or to laugh at her brother or sister, or to get kisses from her mommy and daddy. But to touch us all in all the ways that she could not if she were physically here. She knew that our family would survive it. She knew that we would love her so much, that even when we had to let her little body go, we would still carry her with us in our hearts. I have hope, because of her, that we will meet again, and one day, our family will once again be together.

It's such a huge responsibility to think that she gave her life for me, and for the rest of us to learn from her death. In a way, I feel like I should live for her and for me, and then I ask myself, what should I do with my life if that's what I choose? I have so many ideas and they feel right. I am now much more of a complete person, even with my heart broken. I know that it might seem that this could just be reaching, trying to find something good in this horrible situation, but that's not how it feels. I do have faith in what my Clara did, and I fully intend to do something with that faith, because I am not meant to die yet.

Longing

A little bit ago, I had a dream about Clara. She was so tiny, much tinier than in real life, and she was dead, but she looked so alive. Her eyes opened and it wasn't scary, but beautiful. Her eyes were brown, just like the rest of us. I had been wondering about some of the things that we would always wonder about, and thought about her eye color, so because of this dream, I will say that she would have had beautiful brown eyes.

I had another dream about Clara after that. She was alive but I knew that she was going to die. I held her in my arms, and held her against my chest. I loved her and I didn't want her to die. I wanted her here with us. She grasped my hand with her tiny fingers, and I looked down at her and felt so much love for her. I would die for her if she could live. She looked so weak and fragile. I was able to feed her and that made her perk up a bit. She started to look better! Maybe she will live! I just kept looking at her thinking that she would die at any moment, but praying that she would live and be okay. I know I dreamt this because it's everything I couldn't do for her, but to the very depths of my soul wish that I could have. Hold her living in my arms. Watch her move. Feed her. Try to keep her alive.

I had another dream where I was pregnant with another baby. I hadn't felt that baby move for a day and I just held my stomach crying because I knew that I had lost that baby too. It was terrifying. Dreams take you to so many places that you wouldn't otherwise go. I don't know if these dreams that I've had help or not. In one way, it's nice to have moments with her that I couldn't have otherwise. They say that your mind can't tell the difference between a dream and reality, so maybe because of my dreams, I get to have some moments with her that I don't get in real life. On the other hand, once I wake up, it's hard to let go of her again, because even if my dreams of her aren't so happy, I am still with her and I am still holding her or looking at her or planning on her. I don't want it to be over. I would spend eternity in my dreams if it meant I could be with her. I feel like a part of my soul is always looking for her, wondering where she went and when we will meet again. Sometimes, I wish that I had died with her. It would have been so easy, I just had to not have woken up. My heart was broken, emotionally and physically, but it kept beating and sometimes I wonder how and I wonder why. It sounds incredibly selfish to say these things, especially because I have 2 other children that love me and need me here so much, and a husband that also loves and needs me, but these are thoughts that come, whether I want them to or not.

I always thought that my "light" would come back, but I'm starting to wonder if it will or if it's gone forever. Part of me died when Clara died. Part of me stopped when Clara's body stopped. It's like being in a painting and having a dull color painted over you. You don't have control over it, it just is, and you don't have any energy to stop the color being put on you either, you just don't care. I know there are times when I just shut down emotionally. I just go somewhere in my mind and am disconnected from my emotions and the emotions around me. It's a little scary because it's not something that I can prevent or turn on or off. I'm sure it's a defense mechanism, and it definitely does its job! This year was so traumatic with everything that we went through, with Clara, and with each other. We'll never get better or get over it. It's not something that you can get better from. It's not like one day, we're going to be just fine. Everyone can breath a huge sigh of relief because we're fine now! Thank you for all of your support and understanding! Your compassion and comfort! It was greatly needed during our time of need. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. For me, I am not fine. I am hurt and so very angry and unimaginably heartbroken. People think this will be over? It will never be over. No one can ever give me back what was taken from me. No one can ever make it better. I hate the whispers behind my back of, "that's the girl with the baby", and the understanding "oh" and nod. I pretend to ignore it. Maybe I should wear a sign that says, "Yes, I'm THAT girl with the dead baby. Any questions?" My anger is so strong at times, and I just want someone to say something rude, or push me when I'm walking on the street just so that I can yell at them and let out that hurt and anger. Take it out on them and make them feel as bad as I do. One little thing can anger me so much. I used to be able to control it much better, but not now. I feel it burning in me and I have no way to disperse it. Maybe one day.

I want my little girl. My little girl that we never got to know. What would be her favorite color? We say purple because that was the color we picked for her from before she was born, but what would she say? What would be her favorite song? Would she have loved to dance like her big sister, or be a little shy like her big brother? What would have made her laugh or cry? Would she have loved to snuggle with her mommy and daddy? I do miss her every day. Most of the time I feel very alone, and I know that grief is personal and whatnot, but it's hard not to feel completely alone. People don't want to hear about her or to talk about her. I have a couple of good friends at work who still let me talk about her, and that is really nice. I've found that the people that still listen to me talk about her are the people that I least expected. I've gotten closer to those people because of it and it's amazed me how much they care about me and my family when they had no reason or purpose to. It's also amazes me that they acknowledge Clara as a person, as a child that died. Not just as a baby that was never born. That part means so much to me.

How Many Kids Do You Have?, And Other Related Questions.

How many kids do you have is such a hard question to answer! Every time that I am asked, I hesitate. Do I want to go into details right now? Am I in the right mood? Because I know that the follow-up question to my answer is going to be, "how old are they". There are simple answers for sure, "I have three. Two here and one in Heaven", but then I have to deal with the sympathy and the awkwardness that fills the room. Sometimes I am fine dealing with it and can say that I have 3 children, or that I have 2 children and a baby girl that died. Other times I cannot. I just say 2 and go from there. Then I feel guilt. Horrible guilt, and I just want to tell Clara that Mommy loves her so much and didn't forget her, that I could never forget her, and I'm so sorry that I didn't mention her.

I've noticed that even the kids have to go through this. They bring home homework from school, papers and crafts that they need to make and fill out, papers and crafts that involve their families. How many brothers and sisters, family trees, etc. So far, there hasn't been a doubt in their minds that they will include their little sister. Bella made a paper that said she had 1 brother and 1 sister. Nathan made a family tree tonight with our hands traced and cut out and glued to paper. I asked him what he was planning, and he said that he wanted all of us on there, with Clara on the top because she was the youngest. On each hand print, he had to write different traits that each of us had. We traced our hands, cut them out, and he added our traits. The instructions said that he could draw and cut out family members hands that weren't there to be traced, so that's what we did for Clara. We cut out little hands that were the size of hers, and then quickly realized that there was no room to write anything on them, so we cut out bigger hands and glued the Clara sized hands inside the bigger ones. Nathan was a little worried that he wouldn't be able to write anything about Clara, but I told him that he would probably be surprised what he could write. Well guess what?! He was able to fill every little finger with a trait. What trait did she share with brothers or sisters? The shape of her eyes. What trait did she share with one of her parents? Her dark hair from her momma. What is her favorite hobby or activity? Sucking her thumb. What is one of her character traits? Her sweetness. Eight fingers we filled with traits. Then, we glued them all to the paper, and he decorated it with stickers. He put stickers on all of our hands, and colors to match our birthstones. Clara's hands ended up with a lot of stickers on them! I think he was really thinking of her and wanting to do something for/about her. It turned out beautifully and he was very proud of it!! Maybe I should learn something from my kids and just face the reality no matter the pain, I have THREE children!




Family Tree, by Nathan




I know that Clara's death still affects us all. We have more days than not where we are fine now, but then there are other days where we think about her a lot and are just heartbroken and devastated all over again. For me, I relive those moments. The days before, going to that appointment.  The doctor struggling to get an accurate measurement on how high my uterus was, not finding Clara's heartbeat on the Doppler, and then the ultrasound. The horror that was revealed when I saw my still baby on that screen. There are times that I want to throw a tantrum and just kick and scream and try to scramble away from even myself because the pain is so great, but there is no where to go and no where to hide. There are times that I have to just breathe deeply to calm down and tell myself that this pain will once again lessen and I will be able to relax again, and although I know that crushing pain will come again, I know that it will also lessen again.  Some days I just immerse myself in all that is Clara, and other days, I can't even talk about her because it hurts too much. My little baby. In some ways, it gets harder rather than getting easier. For me, there are times I get so sad and so mad because she is not changing! The kids both have had birthdays, and she stays the same. She should be eating solid foods, getting teeth, crawling, pulling up, saying "Mama, Dada" and whatever names she would have come up with for Nathan and Isabel. But she's not and she never will. We are all changing and part of me feels like we are leaving her behind.

Nathan thinks about her but doesn't talk about her very often. He's like Ken in that department! My boys, keeping their hearts close to them. It's beautiful. Nathan did pick a cherry tomato from our little garden. He brought it in and said that it reminded him of Clara. I asked him why and he said because it was premature and a little wrinkly. He is so awesome! He does think about his sister and I love the ways that he thinks of her!



Nathan's right in what he said, and I have to say it's even more like Clara than he first thought. Look at that dead branch that it was growing from. What a fighting preemie tomato! Just like Clara!



Bella talks about Clara still, and still sometimes snuggles up in her bed with the "I'm a Big Brother Book" and her "God" book. She wanted me to read her "Hello Baby" a few days ago. Nathan got that book from my Grandma when I was pregnant with her. It's about a little boy who is going to be a big brother, and the 1st day home with his baby sister. I made it through the book without breaking down amazingly!! So proud!!! Bella was just fine throughout. She giggled during the funny parts, and although she grew a little somber during other parts, she was happy with the book. Bella still cries for Clara sometimes and has so many questions. I've told both kids that when they miss Clara and need her, she is already there with them. We talk about how much fun she's having in Heaven, and imagine all the things that she could be doing. I feel so close to Clara when we talk about her like that, and I can feel her near me at different times, which seems so odd because I've never felt anything like that before. It's just a peaceful feeling that comes over me, and a feeling in my chest that I get. The best way to describe that feeling is when someone is hugging you and your bodies push up against each other. When I'm really sad about Clara, those feelings help me feel better, and when I'm fine, and not in my sad time, it makes me smile.

It's so different now when I watch a show and someone dies, or I read a news story about someone dying. It doesn't matter who it was, but when I hear it or see it, I am crushed all over again. I get teary eyed and feel so horrible for the family, and I hurt for them. I know how hard those first few months are, they are a living hell, and I relive part of my pain from that time when someone else dies. I'm putting together Clara's scrapbook and it is so much more work than I thought! Which makes me so incredibly happy!! As I'm re-reading texts, and emails, and messages, all the info is there showing that we should have been very concerned. It's definitely true that hindsight is 20/20. In December, when she stopped growing and we didn't know that yet, I expressed my concern to many people. Just little comments here and there, but my fear was there. I felt something was so wrong, but I didn't really believe that my baby could die. I believed that no matter what, all of our great technology would save her, and that was if she really needed all of that great technology. Of course she would be fine. It's like taking your child to the doctor because you fear they are very sick, and the doctor reassures you that your child is fine, just a cold, nothing to worry about. Unfortunately, that was not the case, and even more unfortunately, there were definite signs that things were wrong that I ignored or chose not to worry about. 

I still watch Clara's memorial video from time to time, and it's so great to see her moving and doing cute things in the ultrasound videos. I watch her suck her thumb, rub her face, "wave" to us, explore with her arms, kick her legs, hiccup!, do her practice breathing, and watch that beautiful heart beat so strongly. It's such a great reminder that she was HERE. She EXISTED. She was ALIVE. Sometimes she is such a dream to me, and I miss her more because of it! I've stared at her ultrasound pictures, trying to see something that was missed. I can see the cord around her neck, even in her 20 weeks ultrasound pictures. It looks like a bubble necklace. It shouldn't have been a problem, but her cord didn't form correctly so it wasn't as strong. It's so weird to lose someone you love. When we lost Clara, it seemed so sudden. One moment, we were planning for her. Making plans, getting excited for her baby shower, talking about everything that we would do with her, in total pregnancy mode, and then in an instant, that was all ripped away and we were left with nothing but empty arms and a devastated heart. We didn't know how was going on, we didn't know how to deal with the feelings that we were dealing with. If I could do it over again, I would change a million things! But that is always how it is. We would all change a million things because it wasn't enough. None of it was enough and none of it will ever be enough. We just learn how to eventually accept that and try to be happy with what we do have.

To end this post on a positive, this is a great story! Three weeks ago, I was going to attend my first in person support group meeting. I was excited, nervous, emotional. On my way to work earlier that day, I was driving on the freeway and suddenly, a white dove swooped in front on me. Not close enough to be in any danger of me hitting it, but close enough for me to be able to sit it's beautiful dance in the sky as I drove on. I thought that it was beautiful and what a nice way to start the day! Later that evening, as I was driving to the support meeting, I was feeling more emotional and nervous. Suddenly, TWO white doves swooped in front of me and danced around each other in the sky. Again, not in any danger of getting hit. I know that we do have doves here, obviously, but I have never seen white ones, and have never seen them dance in front of my car. Especially 3 doves in one day! Doves, especially white doves, symbolize peace, love, and are symbolic messengers. I like to think that they were sent to me by my little Clara, to let her mommy know that she's still with me and thinking of me, just as I am thinking of her. Numbers hold a lot of meaning to me regarding Clara, specifically the numbers 3 and 13. I'll have to explain that another day!

This summer, my dad came to visit us and we went for a hike in the mountains. While we were there, we saw 3 white butterflies dancing with each other. They were so graceful and seemed to be almost playful with each other. It was fascinating to watch. I took pictures of them so we would remember them. My dad, who was far enough away from us that I didn't think that he could see them, said that he did see them and had been watching them too. Maybe these 3 white butterflies were also Clara sending us her love. Maybe there are more signs than we think, we just need to open our eyes to them!



Dancing Butterflies from Clara

We love you so much Clara!!! And we miss you every day! I want to tell you sweet dreams and tuck you in, but since I can't, I hope that the angels will! Tell them to give you a kiss from me!

So Much Time, But No Time At All

7 months today. It's amazing that it has been that long. I always have more of an emotional time in the few days leading up to the 13th of each month, and this time was no different. It's a hard month for a couple of reasons. 1st, we've past the 1/2 way point of the year and are well into the second part of the year, and 2nd, she has now been gone for longer than she was here. I was 7 months pregnant with her when she died. 7 months seems like so long and sometimes it's harder now than it was at first. It's been so long since I've held her or even seen her. Parents aren't supposed to be separated from their children like this. In other ways, it is easier. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it sure does help. We've all learned better how to cope with our loss and how to handle these feelings that come. I still wonder sometimes if she will know me, and I fear that she won't. I sure hope that she does because I will know her!

When I look at her pictures, I try to find new things in them. I've stared at the same pictures for months now, and I do love them and treasure them, but sometimes I get frustrated because they never change. She will never change. When I see the picture of her casket before it was closed, and she's all wrapped in her blanket, every instinct in me wants to reach through the picture, scoop her up, and hold her close to me. She looks like a little bundle all comfy and cozy, just waiting for mommy/daddy/brother/sister kisses. Sometimes, I just beg and beg for her to be returned to me. I miss her so much. It's horrible sometimes hearing about other people's pregnancies or babies and knowing how much you failed. Failed so much that your daughter died, and not knowing exactly how you failed her, but somehow you must have, because she is not here.

Now that the hole in my heart is fixed, I focus on when I can get pregnant. I'm terrified, excited, hopeful, anxious. Before we found out how big the hole was, I was hoping to get pregnant, no matter the risk to me from it. I didn't care. After we found how how big the hole was, I felt fortunate that I hadn't gotten pregnant. My cardiologist said he was surprised that I had even been able to carry 2 babies full-term, and surprised about how much physically I had done in my life with my heart how it was. I am very fortunate to be here, I rolled the dice and won on this. I asked him again if my heart contributed to Clara's death, and he said no, because technically she died of a cord accident, but that poor baby was so so small. So much smaller than she should have been and she had definitely been struggling. I still wonder if my heart just couldn't support her and me, so my body decided to not support her. That really sucks. Now, it will take a year for my heart to heal. It will take a year to condition my body to function properly. My cardio said absolutely no babies right now, and go to every measure to prevent pregnancy. He said if my tests come back 100% perfect at 6 months post-op, he might consider giving me the go ahead at 9 months, but not to count on it. So, I am planning on a year and hoping that I can try this again. My heart doesn't beat right a lot of the time now, and I take meds to keep it in rhythm, and this can happen after getting it fixed, but I worry that it won't ever find the correct rhythm. The meds I take are known to cause harm to an unborn baby, so I can't get pregnant on them. Plus, if my heart is not beating correctly, it would be selfish to try to get pregnant. I can't adopt, nobody is going to let me adopt with my heart issues. Even though they should correct themselves and be okay, even having that on your medical history is a huge negative. What if I can't carry a baby again? What do I do? Maybe I should just be thankful for the 2 living children that I have. I am. I already am so thankful for them. That doesn't help my heart to not desire another living child. That is what keeps me going right now. That is where my eyes, mind, and heart are focused on. That's what gets me through every single day. I am terrified I won't be able to fulfill that desire.

The kids get nervous when Ken or I have to go to the doctor. I know it scares them. They have experienced the worst thing possible. We reassure them and every time we come back home from the hospital and things are okay, it helps them feel a little bit better for the next time. They are so brave and amazing. They just blow my mind how great they are with everything they have dealt with and are dealing with. Maybe having everything happen this year will actually end up being good. They can learn that you can go into the hospital and come out okay. There can still be happy endings for us.

Something that I've learned since Clara died; people really do care. It sounds so simple, but I never really believed it before. The amount of support that we received from our family and our friends, and still receive, is unbelievable. I have become more open with my emotions now and not so afraid to show them or to talk about them. I'm not as closed off as I was and I think that I am learning to be more loving and compassionate with others. If I've learned nothing but that from my daughter's death, that's more than enough. I am so thankful for what I have been given and for what I have. It makes me feel good that my family and friends still think of her and of us. I'm thankful that people are understanding of the fact that I might suddenly start rambling on about Clara and things that I want to do in memory of her. I'm thankful that people still cry for her. That means so much to a grieving parent, to know that their babies are being thought of, missed, and loved. To hear the words, "We love you, Clara" coming out of the mouths of people that I care about so much. Thankful for those that take the time to look at her pictures and let me show-off the few precious things we have of her, like any proud parent would.

Here is a quote from an episode of 'One Tree Hill' - "The hardest part of saying good-bye, is having to do it again every day".

Always in Our Hearts

I still miss my daughter every single day. I want her with me so very badly. I visit her grave and just think of her; holding her, loving her, missing her. Ken and I dropped the kids off at break dancing class last week and went to visit Clara. Ken had been to her grave just a couple of days before, but I hadn't been for a couple of weeks. I still always get so nervous going to see her. As we pull up to the cemetery, I worry that something has happened to her or to her headstone. I don't know if that is normal, but it is what I feel. As we walk to her grave, I feel myself getting anxious and intently looking for her headstone. Then I see it. It is perfect and just as it should be, and then I relax and visit with my daughter. Ken doesn't feel the anxiety as I do. It's different for him. We weren't in any hurry, and since we didn't have the kids with us, we spent time looking at other baby graves by Clara. We have gotten familar with the ones close by to her, but we ventured further than we have before. So many lives gone too soon. So many families carrying the heartache that we carry. It was really sad and depressing! I couldn't help but think of all of those little ones, dressed lovingly by their families, laying forever under that ground. It makes it very real. I think of their families, as I think of mine. I look at the trinkets that are left on the headstones and know that there is significance in every single item that is left for these babies. They are not lost, they are still thought of and still treasured, 5, 10, 20, 50 years later. They are forever a part of their families lives and forever loved. It is so quiet and so peaceful at the cemetery. A nursery in a way, caring for the babies that never got a chance to live.

Overall we are doing well! We can see a future, and although it doesn't have Clara growing with us and experiencing things with us, she is still always there. Bella was looking at a picture of the 4 of us that was taken on the 4th of July. She was staring so intently at it, and I asked her what she was thinking. She said that Clara will never be in our family pictures, and she would never get to do things with us and she really missed her. I told Bella that that is a sad part, that Clara is always missing, and then Bella said, "but Clara is always in our hearts". And she's right, Clara is always in our hearts and we do carry her with us every day and with every thing that we do. When we watch a show that has a baby in it, especially when it involves a big sibling with a baby, or see a big sibling with a baby somewhere that we go, Bella stares longingly at them. She obviously wants that and it hurts her that she doesn't have it. Isabel calls her Clarey and says that she thinks about her every day, and that she prays for her. Belle wants to know that Clara is okay and wants Clara to experience things that she enjoys. Bella wants to know that Clara is happy and doing well. It bothers her that she can't be with Clara, and it bothers her that she doesn't know why Clara can't be with her. I know that I wish I knew why too! I think of what Clara would be doing now, I can't stop myself from thinking about it. She would be laughing, sitting, and maybe crawling, and she would have 2 parents and 2 big siblings that would give her everything she wanted. We would all be so happy and would not be carrying around the heartache and hurt of losing her. Sometimes when I see Belle sleeping, she looks so much like Clara. Sometimes if Belle has snuck into our bed at night and I wake up to find her sleeping next to me, I have to do a double-take because I think it's Clara. Clara had delicate features like Bella. They had the same face shape and same build. Clara's nose was like Nathan's, and her eyes looked to be a bit more slanted, like Ken's, but she still looked a lot like Bella. And sometimes, Ken and I accidently call Bella, Clara, or Clara, Bella.

Nathan is very logical about the whole thing. He misses Clara and that is evident from what he does for her and how he talks about her. When we were visiting Clara a bit ago, he said that he was going to make a memorial for his "lost sister" on a game that he plays. He did it too! He made a special garden, and added her headstone, with her name, and all of the symbols we have on her headstone, and also the tree that is next to her grave. It was a beautiful memorial for his sister. Nathan wonders about the darkness as he calls it. It worries him to think about being dead and maybe being in darkness, and it worries him to think of Clara being in darkness. We talk about it and do our best to reassure him. I tell him that Clara isn't in darkness, she is in light and is happy. I tell both of them that Clara plays in Heaven, and that I imagine that she spends a lot of time with Lydia, and that whenever they miss her or need her, she will come to them. I know they see my crying about her sometimes. It doesn't seem to upset them as much as it used to, they are getting used to it I suppose, but I know that it still affects them. I also think that it is good for them to know that it is still and will always be okay to cry for her and miss her. When the song, 'Keep Holding On' comes on, we all sing to it. For those that don't remember, I played that song for Clara after we found out that she was so little, and then played it for myself to keep moving forward after she was gone. It means a lot to us.

I painted pictures for both Nathan and Isabel this last month. I've been wanting to for awhile, and finally did them. I let them pick whatever they wanted for their pictures. Belle picked a flower garden, with her and I together, and Nathan, Daddy, and Clara together in the background. Nathan picked a lake setting, with him and Clara together on a magic carpet, and Bella, Daddy, and I together looking at them. They were both so sweet about their paintings, and both wanted to include Clara in their paintings without being prompted to do so. They loved them I have to say! Nathan got a little emotional when I showed him his. He looked at it and loved that he was with Clara. I also made the kids Clara Cats. I got the idea from Molly Bears. I bought stuffed cats that were 13 1/2 inches long, and bought bean-bag pellets and a scale. I pulled out the stuffing from the cats, and replaced it with the pellets until the cats weighed 1 lb 9 oz. Then I wrapped them up and gave them to the kids. They really enjoyed them! They never got to hold Clara, something that they had wanted to do and that I so wish had been able to do. It was just something that never happened. So for them to really feel about big their sister was, and to feel her weight in their arms, it was pretty special for them. When Bella misses Clara, she pulls out different things. Usually they involve, the "I'm a Big Brother" book, her Clara cat, Clara Lamb, her photo album of Clara, and the "God" book. It's sweet.

Nathan is so grown-up most of the time. He told us one day that 'we will always grieve, it's just a part of who we are now'. How insightful for a child! Terri had bought Nathan a stuffed husky, and she told me that Nathan told her that it was cool because he gave his other stuffed husky dog to his sister. She thought that he had meant Isabel, until I told her that he meant Clara. He had put it in her casket with her. I love it that he labels Clara as his sister. It makes me feel good about how he feels about things.

I am making Clara's scrapbook, like I made Nathan and Isabel's, and it is a very emotional thing. Re-reading the times when she was perfect and healthy, re-reading when we found out she had died, and re-reading the 10 parts of her story that I have written, listing every little detail of her birth, time spent with her, and her funeral. It is also nice to be making this for her too. The kids are excited that we are making one for Clara too, they love theirs so much and wanted one for her! I was at the craft store buying supplies for Clara's scrapbook, and the checker was very friendly. He asked what I was making, and I told him a scrapbook for my daughter. He said how neat and asked how old she was. I paused because this question in hard to answer. Same as how many kids do you have. Sometimes, I am in a mindset where I just say that she died, or that I have 3 kids, 2 here and 1 in Heaven. Other times, I just can't go there, and it also feels kind of nice to either pretend for a moment that this is not my life, or to not see the look on the person's face when you tell them your child died. I went for the later this time. I just said that she was still a baby. It's true, she will always be a baby, but I know that it's misleading too. He carried on in the conversation and asked if I had other kids, this one was easy. "Yes, 2 others". Their ages? "10 and 7". Here's where it got tricky and I thought maybe I should have just said Clara had died to begin with. He told me that he has an older sister that is 7 years older than him too and she was like a little mother to him growing up, and how close they are and how great it was growing up with her. Knife in the heart!!! I just smiled and nodded and quickly got out of there. I couldn't help but think of the relationship that Nathan, Isabel, and Clara have and will always be missing out on. It's so heartbreaking. I told Ken about it, and he said that when people ask him, he just tells them that he has 3 children, and that his baby girl died. He deals with the looks and the apologies. It's so interesting how different we all handle grief. It is definitely a personal and sometimes lonely experience.

This post ended up being mainly about the kids and how they are doing. I will update with how Ken and I are doing soon!! To end this post, here is an overall view of how the kids are doing. They want to change their names to:

Nathan - Chase Nathaniel Awesome
Isabel - Butterfly Rainbow Happy

Yeah, I think they are doing just fine! :)

Sorry if any typos or weird grammar things! I did not proof-read this one!

Peace

It's been awhile again since I updated my blog. I think about updating it at times, and then I wonder what I will write about. Things have been going well, and we have been so busy! The kids have both had their birthday parties and we even threw a surprise party for them for their birthdays! They were so excited and it went just perfectly. They deserved a day just about them! It's been nice to be so busy because then we don't have time to dwell on Clara's loss. Things still remind us of her, and we still talk about her a lot! It's still hard to see babies that would be the same age as Clara had she lived and been born when she was supposed to be born. She would be almost 3 months old now. AMAZING! She would be smiling at us, and laughing at us when we tickled her or did something that she found funny. She would be making all of us so incredibly happy. Nathan and Isabel would each have their special thing that they do for her to make her smile, and she would adore them both. She would be rolling over from her back to her tummy, and probably getting frustrated that her little arm would be stuck under her when she tried to roll over from her tummy to her back. We would have had her 2 month appointment a few weeks ago, and she would have had her first set of shots. I can't help but think of these things. What she should be doing, what she could be doing. It's so hard being the mommy, or daddy, or brother, or sister of a dead baby. There are so many things that we wanted to do with her, and so many things that we still ache to do for her. It's hard not to hold her in my arms, and kiss her, and watch her grow. When we do family things, I think of how Clara should be with us and wonder what she would think of the movie, or the hike we went on, or whatever experience she missed.

A lot has changed in the last month. For the better! Ken and I are getting along soooo much better, so the stress in our house has dropped so much. The kids are both out of school and enjoying their summer break. Day to day life is becoming happier and the burden of Clara's death has lifted a little more every day. We miss her like crazy, and still hurt and want her with us, but I think we are at a place where we have had to accept it. It's still a roller coaster, but the roller coaster is turning into a smoother ride. I know for myself that I have finally learned that it is okay to not feel so sad everyday, but know that I still love her and miss her. I have learned how to carry Clara with me and still function as a living human being who is a mother to two living children, a mother to an angel, a wife to my husband, and everything else that I am. I have found my balance. I can't really explain how that balance came, it was slow to come and when I was ready to take this step, I embraced it. I refuse to let this horrible thing that has happened destroy me or my family. Clara is not sadness or heartbreak. She is love and joy and light. Her life was perfect. So much shorter than anyone would have liked, but perfect. She meant something, and still means something, to so many people. She was so brave and strong to die. That statement is hard to explain, but I will try.  Because she died, I have strength in my own life to know that my tiny little baby was brave enough and strong enough to die. She has done what so many people fear, and she did it at such a young age. It wasn't her choice, it wasn't what we wanted, but it happened and she did it all on her own. I use my pain and anger and focus that on being a better person, a stronger person. I am myself, but I will never be who I was. How many times in your life do you get the chance to reinvent yourself? It's like I now have the capability to put my pieces back together however I want, I can be whoever I want. I get to decide what traits I want to be more prominent, and which ones I would rather be less prominent. It's an amzing gift. I've decided that I don't want to say good-bye to her, but I will say "see you later", and know that she is happy and will wait for us to join her.

We had a family interview and a tour at a center for children who have had a loved one die. The kids LOVED it! They were put on the waiting list, and it could take 6 months for them to get their place, but the director said that the long wait is beneficial. It puts a little time from the death of their loved one to when they get to go, and it is easier for them to talk about their loved one and how they feel. It isn't a counseling session, it's a place for them to be around other children who have also lost someone that they loved and to play and talk about their feelings and know that what they feel is okay! When they start going, they get to bring in a picture of Clara and hang it on the memory wall. They each get to make a brick in memory of Clara and place it in the gardens. They get to talk about her to other children who understand their pain and how they feel. There is art time, play time, group time, thinking time. It's such a wonderful program. They will go 2 times a month and and meet with the same group of kids. At the beginning of each group, the kids each take their turns saying their names, who it was that they lost and their relation to that person, and how that person died. Like my kids would say something like, "My name is Nathan/Isabel, my sister Clara died, she was stillborn/got her cord around her neck/whatever they say about how she died". They get to go as long as they want to! One year, 5 years, however long. Ken was concerned that it would reopen the wounds of Clara's loss, but the director told us that the wounds never close. Children's grieve grows with them, and as their understanding and maturity grow, their grief changes. As much as I would love Nathan and Isabel to forget the pain of the death of their sister, I hope it gives them courage and strength one day. She is so much a part of them, and them her.

Bella has been asking a lot of questions about Clara lately. She is angry and confused. One night, she was sad about Clara and wanted to know WHY Clara died. I told her that I wanted to know why too! But, that I don't know why and sometimes bad or sad things just happen. I reiterated that it wasn't anything any of us did, or thought, it was just a very sad thing that happened. She asked why God let Clara die, and I told her that God doesn't kill babies. Nathan told her that this is just a part of life. Everything alive must one day die, and that one day we would die too. Oh, I love my son! He is so scientific and matter of fact. We talked some more, and both kids were feeling better about their feelings about Clara. The next night, Bella came into my room and excitedly exclaimed that Clara died before me, before daddy, before Nathan, and before her! She was excited because she had realized that people CAN die out of age order, and just because Clara was the youngest, it wasn't so odd that she had died. Children believe that when you are old, you die. The young can't die, people they love can't die until they are old, but definitely babies don't die, so when Bella realized that anyone can die, Clara's death made much more sense to her. It hadn't broken so many of the "rules" that she lived by. She then held up her little fist and said that she wanted to lift up her middle finger so bad because she was so angry! I asked her why, and we started talking. She asked if I ate too much food and that caused Clara to die. I explained that no, I didn't eat too much. She asked if food got stuck in Clara's umbilical cord and she choked. I explained that no, no food got stuck. Nathan came in and joined in the conversation. I explained to them how it's only blood that goes into the umbilical cord and how our bodies break down food and that it's just the nutrients that go to the blood and then to the baby. I showed them Clara's "As Your Baby Grows" magazine so they could get a better visual of what happens when a baby is in their mommy's tummy. That made more sense to them. We talked until they had no more questions. They are obviously still thinking about what happened, and still hurting for their sister. Bella is more open about her feelings and more expressive about them. Nathan is more scientific about things and tries to figure things out based on logic.

The mom of Belle's friend came over to pick her daughter up from a play date and saw the pictures that we have of Clara in our living room. She looked at all of them and said how beautiful Clara was. She works in a NICU with the tiniest of babies, so she has seen babies Clara's size. She told me that she thinks of us whenever she goes to work, and feels so bad for us. When she thinks of the babies that are drug addicted at birth or otherwise harmed by their mothers, she feels so bad for us too. She told me that she is so sorry that I didn't get to keep Clara, and love her, but these mothers who harmed their children got to. It was so touching to hear that other people out of our family and close friends still think of us and of what we have lost. Sometimes, I still think that Clara will just magically wake up and be returned to us. She is much too special to be dead. She can't be! This is my own denial. Nathan had seen a news article about a baby in another country who was put in the morgue because everyone thought the baby was dead, but the baby wasn't really dead and thank God the parents wanted to see their baby one last time and found their living baby in the casket. I made it very clear to Nathan and Bella that Clara really was dead and there was no hope that she really was alive. We had made sure of her death before we delivered her. I did not want them to think that either Clara had somehow been alive when we buried her and then died from that, or that she could still be alive.

I have really bad doctor anxiety now. It's hard to go to the doctor for even simple things. When you've gotten a lot of bad news, and the most horrible news, when going to the doctor, it gets hard to keep a positive outlook on doctors. Bella had her well-child check-up recently, and I had such horrid anxiety going! We all went, which is good, and it was still hard. I couldn't even look at her when the doctor was looking her over. I had to look at the wall because I felt like I was going to burst into tears. She is HEALTHY! Of course she is! But it was terrifying. Nathan has his well-child soon too and I am not looking forward to it. I LOVED well-child appointments. It was exciting to see how much bigger they'd gotten and hear that they were doing well. I went to my own doctor appointment a couple of weeks ago and almost didn't make it in the doors. I was shaking and scared, and my heart was pounding out of my chest. As I was driving to my appointment, I kept getting flashes of Clara's ultrasound when I found out that she had died. The horror of it. When I was walking through the parking lot I kept seeing that ultrasound and reliving the time we were at the hospital delivering Clara, and remembering how scared I was. It's almost debilitating. I had to fight myself not to drop to my knees, wrap my arms around myself, close my eyes tight and just cry. I forced myself to walk through those doors. At least my doctor could hear my heart beating very well! I also went to the dentist to have a cavity filled and kept having mini panic attacks. It was pretty miserable. At one point, I imagined Clara. She was looking down at me over the dentists shoulder and smiling at me. She looked  so happy! I calmed down and was able to relax. When I would start to freak out again, I would just think of Clara and feel calm and peaceful again.

The kids have a bit of doctor anxiety when it comes to Ken and I. A few weeks ago, I had to take Ken to the ER for sudden and severe stomach pains. We called his mom to stay with the kids, and while we were waiting for her to get to our house, Bella started crying because she was worried for her daddy. I told her that daddy would be okay and told her that she could lay in brothers bed with him if she wanted to. She did. They definitely are comforts for each other. Ken was fine, thankfully! The next morning, Nathan asked me privately if daddy was going to be okay. I told him that yes, daddy was going to be just fine. He nodded his head and looked so relieved. He had been worrying all night about his daddy.

I am so thankful for the support that we have. Not too many years ago, Clara's death would have been swept away and never talked about. Now, thanks to the many people who have experienced the death of their child, this subject is no longer taboo. We can talk about our feelings and talk to OTHERS that have experienced the same loss that we have. We can know that what we are feeling is okay. There are so many support groups out there and books to read! There is an online magazine just about loss! I am so very thankful for the resources that are available to us.

I feel so much more peace now than I have before. Clara is still, and will always be, such a huge part of our lives. She won't be forgotten. She means so much to us and will always be a part of us. I do still get so sad for her and miss her so very very much. My arms ache to hold her and my heart yearns to watch her grow up. I have hope that I will see her again and that I will get to love on her and kiss her and sweep her hair out of her eyes and look upon her beautiful face once more.