It's been awhile again since I updated my blog. I think about updating it at times, and then I wonder what I will write about. Things have been going well, and we have been so busy! The kids have both had their birthday parties and we even threw a surprise party for them for their birthdays! They were so excited and it went just perfectly. They deserved a day just about them! It's been nice to be so busy because then we don't have time to dwell on Clara's loss. Things still remind us of her, and we still talk about her a lot! It's still hard to see babies that would be the same age as Clara had she lived and been born when she was supposed to be born. She would be almost 3 months old now. AMAZING! She would be smiling at us, and laughing at us when we tickled her or did something that she found funny. She would be making all of us so incredibly happy. Nathan and Isabel would each have their special thing that they do for her to make her smile, and she would adore them both. She would be rolling over from her back to her tummy, and probably getting frustrated that her little arm would be stuck under her when she tried to roll over from her tummy to her back. We would have had her 2 month appointment a few weeks ago, and she would have had her first set of shots. I can't help but think of these things. What she should be doing, what she could be doing. It's so hard being the mommy, or daddy, or brother, or sister of a dead baby. There are so many things that we wanted to do with her, and so many things that we still ache to do for her. It's hard not to hold her in my arms, and kiss her, and watch her grow. When we do family things, I think of how Clara should be with us and wonder what she would think of the movie, or the hike we went on, or whatever experience she missed.
A lot has changed in the last month. For the better! Ken and I are getting along soooo much better, so the stress in our house has dropped so much. The kids are both out of school and enjoying their summer break. Day to day life is becoming happier and the burden of Clara's death has lifted a little more every day. We miss her like crazy, and still hurt and want her with us, but I think we are at a place where we have had to accept it. It's still a roller coaster, but the roller coaster is turning into a smoother ride. I know for myself that I have finally learned that it is okay to not feel so sad everyday, but know that I still love her and miss her. I have learned how to carry Clara with me and still function as a living human being who is a mother to two living children, a mother to an angel, a wife to my husband, and everything else that I am. I have found my balance. I can't really explain how that balance came, it was slow to come and when I was ready to take this step, I embraced it. I refuse to let this horrible thing that has happened destroy me or my family. Clara is not sadness or heartbreak. She is love and joy and light. Her life was perfect. So much shorter than anyone would have liked, but perfect. She meant something, and still means something, to so many people. She was so brave and strong to die. That statement is hard to explain, but I will try. Because she died, I have strength in my own life to know that my tiny little baby was brave enough and strong enough to die. She has done what so many people fear, and she did it at such a young age. It wasn't her choice, it wasn't what we wanted, but it happened and she did it all on her own. I use my pain and anger and focus that on being a better person, a stronger person. I am myself, but I will never be who I was. How many times in your life do you get the chance to reinvent yourself? It's like I now have the capability to put my pieces back together however I want, I can be whoever I want. I get to decide what traits I want to be more prominent, and which ones I would rather be less prominent. It's an amzing gift. I've decided that I don't want to say good-bye to her, but I will say "see you later", and know that she is happy and will wait for us to join her.
We had a family interview and a tour at a center for children who have had a loved one die. The kids LOVED it! They were put on the waiting list, and it could take 6 months for them to get their place, but the director said that the long wait is beneficial. It puts a little time from the death of their loved one to when they get to go, and it is easier for them to talk about their loved one and how they feel. It isn't a counseling session, it's a place for them to be around other children who have also lost someone that they loved and to play and talk about their feelings and know that what they feel is okay! When they start going, they get to bring in a picture of Clara and hang it on the memory wall. They each get to make a brick in memory of Clara and place it in the gardens. They get to talk about her to other children who understand their pain and how they feel. There is art time, play time, group time, thinking time. It's such a wonderful program. They will go 2 times a month and and meet with the same group of kids. At the beginning of each group, the kids each take their turns saying their names, who it was that they lost and their relation to that person, and how that person died. Like my kids would say something like, "My name is Nathan/Isabel, my sister Clara died, she was stillborn/got her cord around her neck/whatever they say about how she died". They get to go as long as they want to! One year, 5 years, however long. Ken was concerned that it would reopen the wounds of Clara's loss, but the director told us that the wounds never close. Children's grieve grows with them, and as their understanding and maturity grow, their grief changes. As much as I would love Nathan and Isabel to forget the pain of the death of their sister, I hope it gives them courage and strength one day. She is so much a part of them, and them her.
Bella has been asking a lot of questions about Clara lately. She is angry and confused. One night, she was sad about Clara and wanted to know WHY Clara died. I told her that I wanted to know why too! But, that I don't know why and sometimes bad or sad things just happen. I reiterated that it wasn't anything any of us did, or thought, it was just a very sad thing that happened. She asked why God let Clara die, and I told her that God doesn't kill babies. Nathan told her that this is just a part of life. Everything alive must one day die, and that one day we would die too. Oh, I love my son! He is so scientific and matter of fact. We talked some more, and both kids were feeling better about their feelings about Clara. The next night, Bella came into my room and excitedly exclaimed that Clara died before me, before daddy, before Nathan, and before her! She was excited because she had realized that people CAN die out of age order, and just because Clara was the youngest, it wasn't so odd that she had died. Children believe that when you are old, you die. The young can't die, people they love can't die until they are old, but definitely babies don't die, so when Bella realized that anyone can die, Clara's death made much more sense to her. It hadn't broken so many of the "rules" that she lived by. She then held up her little fist and said that she wanted to lift up her middle finger so bad because she was so angry! I asked her why, and we started talking. She asked if I ate too much food and that caused Clara to die. I explained that no, I didn't eat too much. She asked if food got stuck in Clara's umbilical cord and she choked. I explained that no, no food got stuck. Nathan came in and joined in the conversation. I explained to them how it's only blood that goes into the umbilical cord and how our bodies break down food and that it's just the nutrients that go to the blood and then to the baby. I showed them Clara's "As Your Baby Grows" magazine so they could get a better visual of what happens when a baby is in their mommy's tummy. That made more sense to them. We talked until they had no more questions. They are obviously still thinking about what happened, and still hurting for their sister. Bella is more open about her feelings and more expressive about them. Nathan is more scientific about things and tries to figure things out based on logic.
The mom of Belle's friend came over to pick her daughter up from a play date and saw the pictures that we have of Clara in our living room. She looked at all of them and said how beautiful Clara was. She works in a NICU with the tiniest of babies, so she has seen babies Clara's size. She told me that she thinks of us whenever she goes to work, and feels so bad for us. When she thinks of the babies that are drug addicted at birth or otherwise harmed by their mothers, she feels so bad for us too. She told me that she is so sorry that I didn't get to keep Clara, and love her, but these mothers who harmed their children got to. It was so touching to hear that other people out of our family and close friends still think of us and of what we have lost. Sometimes, I still think that Clara will just magically wake up and be returned to us. She is much too special to be dead. She can't be! This is my own denial. Nathan had seen a news article about a baby in another country who was put in the morgue because everyone thought the baby was dead, but the baby wasn't really dead and thank God the parents wanted to see their baby one last time and found their living baby in the casket. I made it very clear to Nathan and Bella that Clara really was dead and there was no hope that she really was alive. We had made sure of her death before we delivered her. I did not want them to think that either Clara had somehow been alive when we buried her and then died from that, or that she could still be alive.
I have really bad doctor anxiety now. It's hard to go to the doctor for even simple things. When you've gotten a lot of bad news, and the most horrible news, when going to the doctor, it gets hard to keep a positive outlook on doctors. Bella had her well-child check-up recently, and I had such horrid anxiety going! We all went, which is good, and it was still hard. I couldn't even look at her when the doctor was looking her over. I had to look at the wall because I felt like I was going to burst into tears. She is HEALTHY! Of course she is! But it was terrifying. Nathan has his well-child soon too and I am not looking forward to it. I LOVED well-child appointments. It was exciting to see how much bigger they'd gotten and hear that they were doing well. I went to my own doctor appointment a couple of weeks ago and almost didn't make it in the doors. I was shaking and scared, and my heart was pounding out of my chest. As I was driving to my appointment, I kept getting flashes of Clara's ultrasound when I found out that she had died. The horror of it. When I was walking through the parking lot I kept seeing that ultrasound and reliving the time we were at the hospital delivering Clara, and remembering how scared I was. It's almost debilitating. I had to fight myself not to drop to my knees, wrap my arms around myself, close my eyes tight and just cry. I forced myself to walk through those doors. At least my doctor could hear my heart beating very well! I also went to the dentist to have a cavity filled and kept having mini panic attacks. It was pretty miserable. At one point, I imagined Clara. She was looking down at me over the dentists shoulder and smiling at me. She looked so happy! I calmed down and was able to relax. When I would start to freak out again, I would just think of Clara and feel calm and peaceful again.
The kids have a bit of doctor anxiety when it comes to Ken and I. A few weeks ago, I had to take Ken to the ER for sudden and severe stomach pains. We called his mom to stay with the kids, and while we were waiting for her to get to our house, Bella started crying because she was worried for her daddy. I told her that daddy would be okay and told her that she could lay in brothers bed with him if she wanted to. She did. They definitely are comforts for each other. Ken was fine, thankfully! The next morning, Nathan asked me privately if daddy was going to be okay. I told him that yes, daddy was going to be just fine. He nodded his head and looked so relieved. He had been worrying all night about his daddy.
I am so thankful for the support that we have. Not too many years ago, Clara's death would have been swept away and never talked about. Now, thanks to the many people who have experienced the death of their child, this subject is no longer taboo. We can talk about our feelings and talk to OTHERS that have experienced the same loss that we have. We can know that what we are feeling is okay. There are so many support groups out there and books to read! There is an online magazine just about loss! I am so very thankful for the resources that are available to us.
I feel so much more peace now than I have before. Clara is still, and will always be, such a huge part of our lives. She won't be forgotten. She means so much to us and will always be a part of us. I do still get so sad for her and miss her so very very much. My arms ache to hold her and my heart yearns to watch her grow up. I have hope that I will see her again and that I will get to love on her and kiss her and sweep her hair out of her eyes and look upon her beautiful face once more.
