Crossroads

Wow. Time suddenly started flying again. I can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks since I last posted! I try not to just complain about how much I miss Clara, and sometimes I can't think of anything positive to say so I don't post. I want this blog to be an accurate representation of life after Clara but I also want to see the positive too, which just shortly ago, I wasn't wanting anything to do with. Life is still moving on. We had a good Mother's Day and, of  course, went to visit Clara at the cemetery. Nathan asked why we were going up and I told him that since Clara couldn't be with us, we would go to her. We had a nice time visiting her. We each put a flower on her grave and told her Happy Mother's Day. I still feel compelled to take a picture of her headstone every time we visit her. I don't really know why, I think it's because I can't take new pictures of her, so I take new pictures of her headstone. I'm not ready for it to be over so I'm trying to extend my time. It's really a horrible thing to happen and it's incredibly hard every day. It's been 4 months. WOW! The intensity of the pain is still as strong as ever, there are just more breaks in between the times that I feel it. Sometimes, I still want to curl up because I want her so bad. I am so angry most of the time and want to throw a tantrum like a child. Kicking and punching and screaming at the top of my lungs. Why did everyone else I know get to keep their babies and MINE died? What the hell is that?! There have been at least 10 babies born and all of them are healthy and perfect, Thank God, but I wanted my baby too. I do NOT want to look at pictures of bouncing babies, smiling away. I do NOT want to hear about babies learning new things or hear about what they are doing. My sweet girl is dead and buried and I am still angry and bitter that she doesn't get to do anything and that she got robbed.

I'm trying to pinpoint what exactly this pain is. What is emotional pain? What causes it to happen? There is definitely a physical pain that comes with emotional pain. My stomach knots all up and I feel like I'm going to throw-up. My body tenses and hurts. Then the emotional side. I'm separating and identifying the different emotions I am feeling when I feel Clara's loss. So far, I've experienced anxiety, frustration, worry, anger, deep and total sadness, panic, tiredness, and even desire for her. I've also felt other emotions that I don't know how to describe. They come maybe all together, or in different combinations. I want to understand this pain so that maybe I can mitigate it. It helps get me through the times when I am completely overcome with grief for her. Metaphorically, at the beginning of grief, it's like drowning. You can't get above the water and are being weighed down and sinking further and further into darkness. Then one day, you surprisingly find yourself breaking the top of the water for a moment and taking a great big gulp of air. Then you start to sink down again, but slowly you're able to break the surface again and again. Finally, you are treading the water and you're not really sure how you are able to do it or exactly when you started doing it. You are spending more time above the water but sometimes get too tired to keep trying or treading so you sink under again. Or sometimes, a giant wave comes and grabs hold of you and pulls you under the water. I am still at the treading water stage and sometimes I get tired and sometimes the wave comes, but I eventually start treading water again. I don't know what the next stage will be, but I'm sure I will find out.

I am so not ready for another baby. I desperately want to hold MY living baby in my arms. Look upon MY child's living face. Feeling MY child's movements. Watching My child breathe. But, I am not ready. The thought is terrifying. Fear of this happening again. Fear of loving this child and missing Clara more because this child lived. Fear knowing that this child is coming after Clara and how are they ever supposed to know how much she meant to us? We all remember her, but this child won't ever know her. These reasons are why I am not ready. I am not ready to confront those emotions yet, life if hard enough at the moment.

I still have trouble sleeping. Whenever I'm alone, or try to close my eyes to sleep, I see my baby. I see her last ultrasound when I found out she had died. I see her with her cord wrapped around her neck like in the picture Ken took of her. I see her lifeless body. I want to reach through my memories and grab her out of them and change everything. Visions of her come unbidden. Her birth was absolutely horrifying and terrifying. I think back to her birth and can't believe that we actually did that! When I see the sadder parts like above, I panic and freak out, and try to hold it together. Sometimes I see her in our arms though. What I remember most about her is the first time they layed her in my arms. I remember her weight and her tiny, but perfect, features. Her shoulders and the tiniest fingernails. She was so little and so narrow. Her build was like mine, small bones. My first impression was of her little mouth. It looked just like Isabel's mouth, just smaller. I noticed that her nose looked a lot like Nathan's. She had the tiniest eyes and dark eyelashes. I wish I had opened her eyes a little so that I could see her eye color. I'm sure she would have had brown eyes like the rest of us, but it would be nice to know for sure. I see Clara in Ken, Nathan, and Isabel. But, is she in me? She was definitely my child. She was a great mix between Nathan and Isabel, but I don't see ME in her. Well, not in her face. I do see me in her in the shape of her hands and feet. There is a picture we have where her hand in laying on her chest. Ken took it right after she was born. Her hand looks just like mine. The shape of her hand, her fingers. Her feet it's the same thing. The curve of her foot, her long toes. Whenever I see my hands, I see her hands and think of her. Same with Bella's hands and feet. Sometimes when Bella's sleeping, she looks just like Clara did. It's very interesting at times. Clara definitely had Nathan's nose. It's the cutest little nose! I see his little nose and see Clara. I was talking to Ken about something that Bella did, and I accidentally called her Clara. It made me smile. It was just more affirmation that Clara is still a big part of our family and truly one of us. I call Nathan, Belle, and Belle, Nathan, so it was nice to hear myself call Belle, Clara.

I am making sure that Nathan and Isabel also know how important THEY are. I spend a lot of time thinking about Clara and missing her, but I am also thinking about Nathan and Isabel and their futures. Their lives. They are my children here on earth and so very very precious to me. Some moms have lost all of their children, some moms have lost their only child. I know how very fortunate I am to still have two of my children with me. And I will make sure that they have the best lives possible and all of the love in the world.

I think of Clara and I think about seeing her again. I wonder if I'll even know her, and maybe more upsetting, will she know me? I got to hold her and see her and love on her after she died. She never got to see my face, or feel me loving her. She heard my heart beating. Will she know how much I have missed her and how happy I am to see her and how momentous that moment is? Will I? Sometimes I get really panicked because we have been separated for so long. How can I protect her when we're not together? It's very confusing with the different thoughts and feelings that come. When we visit her grave, we'll usually wander about and look at the other graves nearby. If someone even appears to be going close to Clara's grave, I rush back over to it. I hate leaving her grave when other people are at the cemetery. They don't even have to be near, just in the vicinity. I want to protect her and keep her safe, but I couldn't do that and I still can't. It's frustrating.

Visions still haunt me, but I will not let it destroy me. Clara couldn't live her life and I will do my best to live a life that is worthy of her remembrance. Children have a way of changing their parents permanently. I love being a mom and my children have changed me so much and will continue to do so as they grow. Clara can't grow, but she is still changing me. Everything has changed. What once was important isn't as much now, while things that weren't as important as before are now more important. My core has shifted. My thoughts are different. I am still me, but I am also not me. I have to put the pieces back together and I am and will be different then I was before Clara. There is a very big catalyst in my life and that was Clara dying. It was a sudden and drastic change, so things happened faster than they normally would have. So now I stand at a crossroads. What do I want out of my life? Now is the time to make it happen. I am not afraid anymore of failing or making the wrong decision. I think there are many decisions and many right paths, I just have to pick one. There are some things that I am no longer willing to compromise on or willing to put up with. There are also some things that I am more willing to compromise on and more willing to put up with. I will stand and I will not fall. What an interesting journey this is.

April is Over

When I found out that I was pregnant with Clara, I was so excited. I cried when I saw that positive pregnancy test. Ken and I had only tried in July and we were surprised and happy that it happened the first month that we tried. I was also very nervous. I kept reassuring myself and telling myself that no matter what, today, I AM pregnant. As time went on, I relaxed more and after we passed the 1st trimester I no longer worried about miscarrying. I was anxious to get to 20 weeks though, so that she would count as a person if she died, and then 24 weeks, so that she was viable in case she had to be born. Never did I imagine that at 7 months pregnant, my baby would die. I thought we were in the clear and that she would live. But in the back of my mind, I was always worried. Pregnant women do worry throughout their pregnancies, but this was something else. Some part of me knew that something would happen to Clara. Whether my body knew that something was amiss, or my subconscious could sense it, I knew that Clara was not going to be with us long. I never really dreamed of Clara. I hold a lot of meaning towards certain dreams. I was never too worried when I was pregnant with Nathan, but when I was pregnant with Isabel, I worried that she would be born early, and at around 27 weeks, I dreamt of this little dark haired perfect baby girl, and she was laying on a Lily. She told me that she was fine and that I didn't need to worry. After that dream, I no longer worried about her as much and she arrived full-term, healthy, head full of dark hair, and in May. May's flower is the Lily of the Valley but I didn't know that until she was born. With Clara, I never really dreamt of her. I dreamt that I got a positive pregnancy test before I found out I was pregnant with her, so I tested the next day and sure enough, positive. I dreamt of her before my first appointment with my doctor at 8 weeks and she was perfectly formed in my stomach and I saw her mouth and it was perfect. I had my first ultrasound that day, and I wasn't too nervous because of my dream. I saw her on that screen and I got teary eyed seeing my little baby with a tiny little heart beating away. After that, I never dreamt of her. I felt blocked from her. That made me worry. If I needed reassurance about something, I would get it through a dream. I wasn't getting that with Clara. When we found out that she was struggling, I still didn't dream of her. That really scared me. I think that's partly why I wasn't so shocked when they told me she had died.

I don't believe in signs anymore. Not even dream signs. And even if signs exist, what good do they do. They can't change anything so there really is no point to them. Just something to make people feel like they have some control over their lives. Clara's birth was such a twisted experience. So close to the real happy thing, but dark sharp edges instead of happy ones. Even the smells of the hospital meant happiness, but now, they mean death and the ultimate heartbreak. I hate it that death and everything dead has become what is normal in regards to Clara. About a week ago, I was minding my own business and I had a sudden flash of memory, seeing Clara on the ultrasound when I found out she was dead. Seeing her in my mind again. During that ultrasound, it looked like she was facing down, and I saw her skull and top of her back and she was so still. I knew right away. When that memory went through my head, I freaked out. I didn't want that to have happened. I get so anxious about all things Clara. It sucks. But, other times, I do feel peace about her too. It's only been 3 1/2 months and I have to remember that. Right after Clara died, time FLEW! I couldn't believe how fast it was passing. Now, it seems to have come to an almost stop. I keep saying it's been 3 1/2 months, but I feel like I've been saying that for forever.

In some ways, it's worse now than when Clara was first born. I don't feel sad all of the time anymore, but I don't feel happy either. When the sadness comes, it's like a sledgehammer slamming into me. It comes unexpectedly and I am unprepared for the pain. There are some things that trigger it; babies, hearing about babies, thinking about babies, experiences I had with Clara. And there are other times when there is no trigger. Out of the blue, my heart shatters again and there is nothing I can do to stop it. It's like fighting a war within myself and I don't know if I'm winning or not or when it's going to end. It leaves me shaken and tired. I don't even have the strength to try to fight it at times, but our minds have a defense for that too, which is good. I'm tired of being the mommy of a dead baby. I'm tired of feeling this pain. I'm tired of my family having to suffer through this. I don't know how it will affect the kids and their lives. I don't know what the future will bring for our family. Even day to day stressors are impossible to deal with at times. I have no patience for them and want little to do with them. But as they say, life goes on and it's pushing me along with it no matter how much I resist or how much I want to just wallow. I feel like someday, someone is going to bring Clara back to me. I think that they will just show up on my doorstep with my living, happy baby in their arms and hand her to me. I won't care about the time I missed with her. I will just love that I get her back. I know that can't ever happen, but it sure would be nice!

I've started waking up at night again. I started that after Clara's bad ultrasound and it's only been about a month since I stopped doing that and got to bed at a reasonable hour. I don't know why I wake up, but I'm wide awake and can't go back to sleep for awhile. I think of Clara. I think of losing her and I try not to think of what she went through. That makes me feel sick to think that she was suffering or in pain. It kills me to think that she had this silent battle going on and I didn't even know. I don't understand how I could not have known. She was connected to me, we shared one body. Isabel hurt her thumb and when she told me that she hurt it, she said it's like Clara. I asked her what she meant because it didn't make sense, and she said again that it's like Clara. I told her I didn't understand. She said it's pain, like Clara felt. Ahhhh. I see. The kids think of her too and think about what she might have gone through. They worry that she suffered and hurt. I have reassured them that she didn't suffer and didn't feel pain. When Bella told me this, I told her that Clara didn't feel pain or suffer. I told her that Clara just drifted off and that one moment she was in me, and the next, the angels came and carried her to Heaven, safe in their arms. She smiled at that and gave me a big hug. She obviously liked that! I, of course, started crying. I always do when I talk to the kids about Clara. I know I need to stop so that they feel free to talk about her with me. They don't like to see me sad, but I think I've done a good enough job so that they know that it's ok if we talk about her and I cry. I can talk all day about Clara and not cry, but when it comes to the kids, I can't help it. They are at such a more personal, intimate level than anybody else. I've also noticed that Isabel is usually tearful, whiny, and argumentative until we are all home together. We are home for about an hour before Ken gets home, and she does a complete 180' once he gets home. She will be all smiles and full of energy. Nathan is doing pretty well. I think he's just old enough to have a better understanding of things so he seems more stable with his feelings about our life right now.

I still don't really do anything. I go to work and I come home. I have no desire to do anything or go anywhere. I do do errands and things like that. Family events and get-togethers are hard. I'm sure the holidays will be too. I think of holidays and I dread them. They make me even more aware that Clara is gone and I know that someone very important is missing from the occasion. I don't want to celebrate anything or go out in social settings. I don't get excited for anything, just pretty monotone usually. Every once in awhile, I can feel my old self flare up inside and I will become animated again, but then that passes and I go back into myself. Maybe someday that will come back. I used to be a bright red, and now, I'm like a dull, lackluster red. I have heard that it takes a good 6 months to really start to feel normal.

April is now over. It has been a hard month because Clara was due at the beginning of April. I folded down the month on my calendar at work so I didn't have to see the word April. I didn't want to see it all of the time. It is now May and one more step further on this journey. As they say, April showers bring May flowers. Hopefully, May and beyond will be brighter and bring us some joy.