You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
The other night dear
As I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke dear
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Cause of Death
Last Thursday, my Dr. called me because she had spoken with the perinatologist who did Clara's last ultrasound. They had gone over that ultrasound and compared notes, and my Dr. had gone over my previous ultrasounds again and the results from all of the testing we had done after Clara died, and they came to the conclusion that the official reason that Clara died was due to a cord accident. Which means that she died because the cord was around her neck too tight and she couldn't get the blood and oxygen that she needed. That's what we thought at first, so we have come full circle. Cord accidents are pretty rare and there is not much you can do about it. If it's seen as a problem and the baby is old enough to survive outside its mother, they can deliver, but that's it. As we've said before, Clara looked good during that last ultrasound. Her heart was strong, her blood pressure was great, the blood flow to her was great. Nothing screamed take this baby out now! I wish I could rewind life and make them take her out and give her a chance, but I cannot. I felt her roll over a couple of days after that ultrasound. I wonder if that was when the cord started getting too tight around her neck.
For her being so small, we will never know why. Some babies are just small and most don't die from being small. What caused her to be small, I don't know. The Dr. thinks that maybe a virus attacked her, but we won't ever know for sure, maybe she was just small. I try to think of what happened around that time when she stopped growing. I can think of lots of things that happened but can't pinpoint a definite reason. I know we'll never know, but that doesn't stop me from trying to understand why. I keep thinking of the scene in Steel Magnolias where the mom breaks down after the daughters funeral and screams that she wants to know why! Why her daughter died! She just wants to know why. I totally understand that feeling! I do want to know why, and there is no answer. I am so mad that she died and all I want is to have her back. I miss her everyday and it hurts so incredibly bad, and I try to keep busy so I don't think about her constantly, but thoughts of Clara always come. Especially at night when everything is quiet and everyone is asleep. I still remember how she felt in my arms. I don't want to hold another baby because the last baby in my arms was mine, and I'm afraid if I hold another baby, I will forget what it felt like to hold MY baby. Ken and I feel so ripped off and I feel so bad that Clara got so ripped off.
When I miscarried, I was strong. I put on a brave face. I shared an office with a pregnant girl. Another girl brought her newborn in shortly after I miscarried and I congratulated the new mama and saw the new baby. My sister delivered her baby 2 months to the day after I miscarried and I went to the hospital when she was born. It tore my heart out, but I did it. I did all of it! I already did my time, and now I have to do it again and it's a thousand times worse! I was supposed to be happy this time. I was supposed to be holding my healthy baby girl. It was supposed to be my time. Her due date even meant rebirth, hope, life! Everything was supposed to work out this time and it didn't. Now, I have to be strong again and it takes every ounce of strength I have to make it through each day. Just as the birth of your child changes you, the death of your child changes you. Although I think it changes you faster. I know I have changed. Not for the better or for the worse, just different. So many things I used to think I think differently about now. I can't even really explain it, but so many things are different. I am very very angry, but I was angry before, it's just closer to the surface now. I don't care about a lot of the things I used to care about. Not in goals I have or anything like that, just some things don't seem as important anymore. I worry more about my kids and my husband. Bella hit her head really hard and got a big goose egg on it and it took everything to keep from completely freaking out. I still freaked out and went all cold, and Ken said that I was almost in tears, but I did hold it together. I try not to let my worry for my family get in the way too much, but it just adds to all of the stress. I'm not at all happy. I hope to be again someday, but I'm not right now. I met with a counselor and I think it will help. She said that a lot of what I am feeling is normal, and the ways in which I am coping is ok from what I told her about my life, so at least I don't have to worry that I'm losing my mind.
Nathan and Isabel are doing well. Nathan doesn't like to talk about Clara much and that is fine. He doesn't mind listening when we talk about her though, and he always looks at me waiting for me to cry as I do when I talk about her. He did talk about seeing Clara though. He remembers her little face and how tiny she was and her little toes the most. He started talking about when we were getting pictures of Clara and with Clara and different things we did. He remembers me holding her, pictures with me, Clara, and Ken, pictures with me, Clara, and Nathan, and me, Clara, and Isabel, and us as a whole family. Wow! I have no memory of that at all! I wish I could remember, but I love hearing from people who were there and what they remember because it helps me to get a better image of that time. Nathan loves her. How he talks about her it's obvious that he loves her and misses her. Grief with children changes as they grow older. It's a continuing process with kids, but we'll make sure that they are doing ok. They each have their special Clara shrines in their rooms. Some I would have had no idea they represented Clara some way unless they had told me! Isabel also very much loves and misses her little sister. She is more vocal about her feelings and more likely to cry about Clara. Things remind her of Clara, and she talks about it. She draws pictures of the 5 of us and writes letters about and to Clara. She has said things like, "I guess Clara won't be using the things we picked out for her", and she asked why Clara couldn't be saved. It's hard knowing that my children are suffering but I am glad that they love Clara so much that they feel the loss of her. Ken is doing well too. He misses her as much as I do and gets sad thinking about her. I was cleaning out our closet and pulling things out, and I pulled out 3 little dresses that were Bella's. I was saving them for Clara. Well, he saw them and it made him very sad because he knew why I had them, who they were for, and that she would never wear them. It's all the what will never be's. Doing family things are really hard for me because there is someone missing and someone who will always be missing. Even going to the grocery store was hard because we do that as a family. I'm hoping that this gets better because right now, I don't want to do anything like that.
I try very hard not to think about how far along I should be at any given day. It just hurts and there is no point. I am not looking forward to my due date at all and I'm getting more anxious about it as it grows closer, only a little more than a month away! I know it will be a very sad and hard day. I am hoping that after that date, things really start looking up though. As I think about it now, it will. The date is symbolic and after that date, I shouldn't be pregnant anyway, so that part might get easier. We shall see!
For her being so small, we will never know why. Some babies are just small and most don't die from being small. What caused her to be small, I don't know. The Dr. thinks that maybe a virus attacked her, but we won't ever know for sure, maybe she was just small. I try to think of what happened around that time when she stopped growing. I can think of lots of things that happened but can't pinpoint a definite reason. I know we'll never know, but that doesn't stop me from trying to understand why. I keep thinking of the scene in Steel Magnolias where the mom breaks down after the daughters funeral and screams that she wants to know why! Why her daughter died! She just wants to know why. I totally understand that feeling! I do want to know why, and there is no answer. I am so mad that she died and all I want is to have her back. I miss her everyday and it hurts so incredibly bad, and I try to keep busy so I don't think about her constantly, but thoughts of Clara always come. Especially at night when everything is quiet and everyone is asleep. I still remember how she felt in my arms. I don't want to hold another baby because the last baby in my arms was mine, and I'm afraid if I hold another baby, I will forget what it felt like to hold MY baby. Ken and I feel so ripped off and I feel so bad that Clara got so ripped off.
When I miscarried, I was strong. I put on a brave face. I shared an office with a pregnant girl. Another girl brought her newborn in shortly after I miscarried and I congratulated the new mama and saw the new baby. My sister delivered her baby 2 months to the day after I miscarried and I went to the hospital when she was born. It tore my heart out, but I did it. I did all of it! I already did my time, and now I have to do it again and it's a thousand times worse! I was supposed to be happy this time. I was supposed to be holding my healthy baby girl. It was supposed to be my time. Her due date even meant rebirth, hope, life! Everything was supposed to work out this time and it didn't. Now, I have to be strong again and it takes every ounce of strength I have to make it through each day. Just as the birth of your child changes you, the death of your child changes you. Although I think it changes you faster. I know I have changed. Not for the better or for the worse, just different. So many things I used to think I think differently about now. I can't even really explain it, but so many things are different. I am very very angry, but I was angry before, it's just closer to the surface now. I don't care about a lot of the things I used to care about. Not in goals I have or anything like that, just some things don't seem as important anymore. I worry more about my kids and my husband. Bella hit her head really hard and got a big goose egg on it and it took everything to keep from completely freaking out. I still freaked out and went all cold, and Ken said that I was almost in tears, but I did hold it together. I try not to let my worry for my family get in the way too much, but it just adds to all of the stress. I'm not at all happy. I hope to be again someday, but I'm not right now. I met with a counselor and I think it will help. She said that a lot of what I am feeling is normal, and the ways in which I am coping is ok from what I told her about my life, so at least I don't have to worry that I'm losing my mind.
Nathan and Isabel are doing well. Nathan doesn't like to talk about Clara much and that is fine. He doesn't mind listening when we talk about her though, and he always looks at me waiting for me to cry as I do when I talk about her. He did talk about seeing Clara though. He remembers her little face and how tiny she was and her little toes the most. He started talking about when we were getting pictures of Clara and with Clara and different things we did. He remembers me holding her, pictures with me, Clara, and Ken, pictures with me, Clara, and Nathan, and me, Clara, and Isabel, and us as a whole family. Wow! I have no memory of that at all! I wish I could remember, but I love hearing from people who were there and what they remember because it helps me to get a better image of that time. Nathan loves her. How he talks about her it's obvious that he loves her and misses her. Grief with children changes as they grow older. It's a continuing process with kids, but we'll make sure that they are doing ok. They each have their special Clara shrines in their rooms. Some I would have had no idea they represented Clara some way unless they had told me! Isabel also very much loves and misses her little sister. She is more vocal about her feelings and more likely to cry about Clara. Things remind her of Clara, and she talks about it. She draws pictures of the 5 of us and writes letters about and to Clara. She has said things like, "I guess Clara won't be using the things we picked out for her", and she asked why Clara couldn't be saved. It's hard knowing that my children are suffering but I am glad that they love Clara so much that they feel the loss of her. Ken is doing well too. He misses her as much as I do and gets sad thinking about her. I was cleaning out our closet and pulling things out, and I pulled out 3 little dresses that were Bella's. I was saving them for Clara. Well, he saw them and it made him very sad because he knew why I had them, who they were for, and that she would never wear them. It's all the what will never be's. Doing family things are really hard for me because there is someone missing and someone who will always be missing. Even going to the grocery store was hard because we do that as a family. I'm hoping that this gets better because right now, I don't want to do anything like that.
I try very hard not to think about how far along I should be at any given day. It just hurts and there is no point. I am not looking forward to my due date at all and I'm getting more anxious about it as it grows closer, only a little more than a month away! I know it will be a very sad and hard day. I am hoping that after that date, things really start looking up though. As I think about it now, it will. The date is symbolic and after that date, I shouldn't be pregnant anyway, so that part might get easier. We shall see!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Getting Started
It always seems that getting started is the hardest part. Getting started on a project, getting started on a chore, getting started writing something, and even getting started on the road to healing after your loss. It can be so difficult finding the right way to deal with losing someone you love with your whole heart. You want to do it in a healthy way, but unhealthy thoughts can fill your head, and then you worry that you aren't handling it well and that just makes everything harder.
Yesterday was the first day that I actually felt some peace in my heart since losing Clara. I actually felt good for a lot of the day and it was nice to feel that way again. I think I am actually starting to believe that life will be good again and we will be able to be genuinely happy. Jesse was right when he said healing might be something you just have to let happen. I also had a good dream about Clara for the first time a couple of nights ago. I saw her as I always see her when I don't feel so sad about her, as a 3-4 year old little girl with long dark hair and fair skin. We had had another baby, and it was a baby boy. He was young and just learning to walk and Clara was there, but not really there. It's hard to explain, she was both there and not. Anyways, he was learning to walk and she was behind him smiling and laughing and holding him up under his arms to show him how and keep him safe. He was in very good hands with her. It was nice to finally dream of her in a positive way, and not in the traumatic way so much of my time with her was.
Some people say that they can imagine what it feels like to lose their child. I think that if you haven't lost your child, there is no way you can imagine it. I thought I could before Clara died. The thought of losing Nathan, Isabel, or Clara was shattering and terrifying. I would hear of a child that lost their life and feel almost sick to my stomach thinking of it happening to me. The actuality of losing your child is so much worse. I know that Clara never got to take a breath or cry or open her eyes, but she was still my child and she is still gone. When I miscarried in October of 2010, that really hurt. I cried for days and had nightmares for months. I didn't feel like I actually had fully gotten over it until I got pregnant with Clara. Now, I don't know. I think there will always be a Clara hole in my heart, and even getting pregnant with another baby, if that happens, won't fully heal my heart. I will always miss her and always think about her. Right now, it feels like a betrayal to Clara if I can carry a different baby to term and alive, which is something I couldn't do for her. I don't know what happened. I don't know if her death could have been prevented. All I know is that she really got ripped off in the whole life department. I think about her a hundred times a day and just want to look at her and hold her again.
I had so much invested in her. I had envisioned her playing with Nathan and Isabel, I knew how much they would adore her and how spoiled she would be because she would have 2 doting parents and 2 doting siblings. Nathan wanted to read to her and teach her how to play legos, Bella wanted to show her how to be a princess and how to wear her jewelry. The kids always argued about where Clara would sleep. They both wanted her in their rooms and told us that they were willing to take care of her if she cried. I look at the princess dresses and the princess shoes that we out away for Clara and I get so sad that she will never wear them or get to pretend to be anything. Sure, she will never feel pain or heartbreak, but she will never DO anything either. She will never go to her first day of kindergarten, get excited for her birthday or Christmas, have her first crush, see the beauty of the world, get married, have her own babies. Sometimes, the pain of her loss is so overwhelming and physically hurts. My stomach will get all knotted and I just want to put my hands over it and curl up. It's the same place that I feel my great love for Ken and the kids as I feel my love and loss for Clara. Or every physical step hurts and I have to force myself even to do that. Other times I panic and feel like the pain will never end. It comes out of nowhere. Something silly can trigger it or nothing at all. I never know when it will happen, I just know that it will.
You hear about the stages of grief, and at the hospital, the nurses talked to us about what to expect and we got plenty of paperwork. One thing I didn't count on was the disbelief or denial stage. I could never deny that Clara died, no matter how much I wanted to, that was the reality. I thought that was one stage that wouldn't happen. The trouble is, it did happen! It was actually a little funny to realize that I was in disbelief or denied that it happened though because the whole situation screamed otherwise. I wasn't even the one that realized that is what I was doing, my sister did! I was talking to her about how right after Clara was born, I thought, "ok, she's out now. They can try to save her". I think I posted that earlier in my blog. But, I've also panicked that maybe she really wasn't dead. Even though the proof was there, but maybe she wasn't dead. They never actually checked. She was soft and warm. She wasn't scary looking. Sure she didn't cry, but she wasn't stiff and cold like I had imagined. I know she had died already and she couldn't be saved, but sometimes I still think that.
Clara was conceived, intentionally, while we were on vacation. I was pretty sure that I was pregnant and was so hoping I was. I was being very careful even on our trip about what I ate and what I did. I wanted to make sure that everything would go well. I only spent a little time in the ocean because I was worried the salt content would do something to her, I avoided certain rides or attractions at Disney or Sea World. I did what I could from the beginning to ensure a healthy baby. I didn't smoke, drink caffeine, be around anything bad. It still didn't work, but something my Dr. said that has helped is that at least those are things I don't have to feel guilty about. I tried my best to give my baby the best environment possible. And I did. I just wanted her to be healthy and strong. She fought so hard to live. We didn't know that she had been struggling for weeks until the end. Sure, there were signs I had noticed, decreased fetal movement being the top one, but I didn't know she was having a hard time or I would have done even more to help her. She just couldn't keep fighting anymore and had to let go. I understand and don't blame her for it.
Ok, I have 2 songs at the moment. One is inspirational and uplifting while the other is kind of depressing. Which is exactly how this works. I feel strong enough now, although sometimes I hate having to be so strong, to want to listen to positive songs which is a huge improvement!
You are Loved by Josh Groban and The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel.
Yesterday was the first day that I actually felt some peace in my heart since losing Clara. I actually felt good for a lot of the day and it was nice to feel that way again. I think I am actually starting to believe that life will be good again and we will be able to be genuinely happy. Jesse was right when he said healing might be something you just have to let happen. I also had a good dream about Clara for the first time a couple of nights ago. I saw her as I always see her when I don't feel so sad about her, as a 3-4 year old little girl with long dark hair and fair skin. We had had another baby, and it was a baby boy. He was young and just learning to walk and Clara was there, but not really there. It's hard to explain, she was both there and not. Anyways, he was learning to walk and she was behind him smiling and laughing and holding him up under his arms to show him how and keep him safe. He was in very good hands with her. It was nice to finally dream of her in a positive way, and not in the traumatic way so much of my time with her was.
Some people say that they can imagine what it feels like to lose their child. I think that if you haven't lost your child, there is no way you can imagine it. I thought I could before Clara died. The thought of losing Nathan, Isabel, or Clara was shattering and terrifying. I would hear of a child that lost their life and feel almost sick to my stomach thinking of it happening to me. The actuality of losing your child is so much worse. I know that Clara never got to take a breath or cry or open her eyes, but she was still my child and she is still gone. When I miscarried in October of 2010, that really hurt. I cried for days and had nightmares for months. I didn't feel like I actually had fully gotten over it until I got pregnant with Clara. Now, I don't know. I think there will always be a Clara hole in my heart, and even getting pregnant with another baby, if that happens, won't fully heal my heart. I will always miss her and always think about her. Right now, it feels like a betrayal to Clara if I can carry a different baby to term and alive, which is something I couldn't do for her. I don't know what happened. I don't know if her death could have been prevented. All I know is that she really got ripped off in the whole life department. I think about her a hundred times a day and just want to look at her and hold her again.
I had so much invested in her. I had envisioned her playing with Nathan and Isabel, I knew how much they would adore her and how spoiled she would be because she would have 2 doting parents and 2 doting siblings. Nathan wanted to read to her and teach her how to play legos, Bella wanted to show her how to be a princess and how to wear her jewelry. The kids always argued about where Clara would sleep. They both wanted her in their rooms and told us that they were willing to take care of her if she cried. I look at the princess dresses and the princess shoes that we out away for Clara and I get so sad that she will never wear them or get to pretend to be anything. Sure, she will never feel pain or heartbreak, but she will never DO anything either. She will never go to her first day of kindergarten, get excited for her birthday or Christmas, have her first crush, see the beauty of the world, get married, have her own babies. Sometimes, the pain of her loss is so overwhelming and physically hurts. My stomach will get all knotted and I just want to put my hands over it and curl up. It's the same place that I feel my great love for Ken and the kids as I feel my love and loss for Clara. Or every physical step hurts and I have to force myself even to do that. Other times I panic and feel like the pain will never end. It comes out of nowhere. Something silly can trigger it or nothing at all. I never know when it will happen, I just know that it will.
You hear about the stages of grief, and at the hospital, the nurses talked to us about what to expect and we got plenty of paperwork. One thing I didn't count on was the disbelief or denial stage. I could never deny that Clara died, no matter how much I wanted to, that was the reality. I thought that was one stage that wouldn't happen. The trouble is, it did happen! It was actually a little funny to realize that I was in disbelief or denied that it happened though because the whole situation screamed otherwise. I wasn't even the one that realized that is what I was doing, my sister did! I was talking to her about how right after Clara was born, I thought, "ok, she's out now. They can try to save her". I think I posted that earlier in my blog. But, I've also panicked that maybe she really wasn't dead. Even though the proof was there, but maybe she wasn't dead. They never actually checked. She was soft and warm. She wasn't scary looking. Sure she didn't cry, but she wasn't stiff and cold like I had imagined. I know she had died already and she couldn't be saved, but sometimes I still think that.
Clara was conceived, intentionally, while we were on vacation. I was pretty sure that I was pregnant and was so hoping I was. I was being very careful even on our trip about what I ate and what I did. I wanted to make sure that everything would go well. I only spent a little time in the ocean because I was worried the salt content would do something to her, I avoided certain rides or attractions at Disney or Sea World. I did what I could from the beginning to ensure a healthy baby. I didn't smoke, drink caffeine, be around anything bad. It still didn't work, but something my Dr. said that has helped is that at least those are things I don't have to feel guilty about. I tried my best to give my baby the best environment possible. And I did. I just wanted her to be healthy and strong. She fought so hard to live. We didn't know that she had been struggling for weeks until the end. Sure, there were signs I had noticed, decreased fetal movement being the top one, but I didn't know she was having a hard time or I would have done even more to help her. She just couldn't keep fighting anymore and had to let go. I understand and don't blame her for it.
Ok, I have 2 songs at the moment. One is inspirational and uplifting while the other is kind of depressing. Which is exactly how this works. I feel strong enough now, although sometimes I hate having to be so strong, to want to listen to positive songs which is a huge improvement!
You are Loved by Josh Groban and The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Headstone
We were finally able to order Clara's headstone today. We should get a proof of exactly how it will look in a few days, and then it will take 6-8 weeks for them to make it and place it. I will be glad to have her headstone at her grave. It is the last thing we will do for her. We put a dragon on it for Ken, she was his little dragon and we always called her Toothless until she had a name. A butterfly for me. And a hummingbird for Jesse and the kids. Jesse had a dream about her weeks ago where she was so tiny and fragile but she was a little bird and he was trying to protect her, and the kids picked out a glass hummingbird after she died that we have on our mantle, so it seemed perfect.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
3 Weeks Tomorrow
I had my post partum Dr. appointment today and it went well. I was dreading it yesterday, but today I wasn't. It was good to see my nurse and my Dr. again. I've lost 1/2 of the weight that I gained during my pregnancy, so that's nice! I can fit into my old pants and old clothes again so that's nice too. Yay me, or yay to my body.
At my appointment, we talked about a lot of possibilities. We will never know exactly what happened to Clara, but we have been able to rule out some things which is nice. There were things that we talked about that we have talked about before, but it was good to go over, in person, everything we have discussed. My Dr. said that upon examining Clara after she was born, her size was definitely that of a 23 week baby. We know she was almost 28 weeks, so that's why we wonder what happened to cause her to be so small. My Dr. said if it was the cord around her neck that was decreasing the blood she was getting, that would have killed her before 5 weeks. That's a small amount of comfort knowing Clara most likely didn't starve to death. A possibility that my Dr. said she didn't think to test for at the time because she was thinking it would be a genetic issue is a virus. There are some viruses that will be silent in the mother but attack the baby. This could have happened to Clara. We didn't test for it so we don't know, but it's a possibility. It would make sense. Clara always measured perfectly on her ultrasounds before and was active and strong, and then it changed suddenly with her movements and activity, and then she stopped growing or slowed her growing considerably sometime after her 20 week ultrasound. My Dr. said if they had tested for a virus before she died, it wouldn't have changed the outcome because it was already too late if that was the case. My Dr. also thinks that even if they had delivered her after that bad ultrasound that Clara wouldn't have made it because of her size. Size, she was on the cusp of viability and although age is more important than size, size matters too. Especially if Clara was sick. My Dr. said maybe Clara just wasn't destined to be here long. I would rather she died safe and warm in me, then be born and be poked and struggle and then die. It's some consolation if she was going to die anyway. My Dr. is still going to talk to the perinatologist that did Clara's ultrasound after the bad ultrasound when she gets back on rotation and look over her notes just to get her opinion. I love it that my Dr. is trying so hard to find us any possible answer. She said to wait 6 months before we try again to let my body heal, and then if we want to, we can. We don't know if we want to then, later, or ever, but at least we have a time if we did.
Nathan and Isabel are doing well. They still make comments sometimes and love looking at pictures of Clara, but they are moving forward. Nathan told us a few days ago that he doesn't feel as sad anymore. That's good! Nathan started an after school program today where he gets to design and build models and machines with legos, motors, and battery packs. He is so excited and I think it's a great thing for him to do and just be a kid. Bella said that she wishes she had a living sister, and that when her little 2 yr old girl cousin came over to play, she pretended that she was her little sister. She's dealing with it well, and I think she understands her pain and loss quite well.
Ken and I are dealing with it. I still have a hard time not feeling guilty if I feel good. I feel in a way that I am betraying Clara if I don't feel sad all of the time. It's very confusing and hard. Logically, I know that it is perfectly fine and OK to feel good. My heart says something different though. That seems to be the case in almost everything I feel. Logically, I can spout off exactly what should be occurring and what steps to take if it seems that things aren't going well or in the right direction. I know it will get easier. I know all of this intellectually, and sometimes I can practice that. But more often than not now, my heart leads the way in how I am feeling and how I am responding to different things. I feel like the entire core of who I was was forced to move and everything shifted from where it was. I am not the same and never will be again. That isn't bad, big events that happen in our lives do change us. It just feels like it was an unwilling shift so it makes it harder to learn about the new me. I have never been overly emotional except when it comes to my kids. I've been called cold and unemotional many different times, I actually preferred to be thought of that way. I keep my emotions very close to me and hidden away. I don't like crying and will do almost anything to avoid that, although I have been very unsuccessful the last 3 weeks. I am usually very good at keeping my emotions and feelings to myself and not letting them out unless I want a specific thing to be shown. Now, I can't seem to do that and it's very frustrating. And although I think my daughter deserves to be shown emotion over, I have a hard time dealing with all of the emotions that come with losing your child and I keep trying to bind them back up to slowly deal with them, but they keep getting loose and everything I worked so hard to do is unraveling. I keep scrambling to stuff these emotions back in and getting more and more emotional because I can't do it. I never have good dreams about Clara. Only bad ones. A few nights ago in my dream, I was panicked because I didn't believe that the funeral director actually buried Clara. I was at her grave and I was on my hands and knees digging up her grave until I could see her casket and then see her. I dream about her with her cord around her neck. I just want good dreams of my baby, not bad ones.
Ken is doing well enough considering the situation and I feel really bad that he has to do so much because I can't. I hate that I am a burden to him. I hate that he feels like he has to take care of me. I hate that I'm not there to support him as I should be as his wife. I hate that Clara died, and he has to go through that pain. I just want to tell him all day long that I'm sorry, so very very sorry for everything. And none of that helps. It doesn't matter how sorry you are, it doesn't change anything. He's a great guy and is so good in a crisis. I know he has his own emotions he is dealing with and I think he's doing very well dealing with them. I want to be there to support him and although I do to a certain extent, I know it's not where it should be. I think he can overcome anything and is such an awesome person.
I don't know when it's supposed to get easier. There are good days and bad days. The good is definitely better everyday it seems. Some things are easier. I can go do stupid errands and not freak out anymore, I can focus better and my mind is clearer. It's good to know I haven't lost too many brain cells! Day to day life is getting back into a nice rhythm. We're doing all the normal things like homework, chores, dinner, playdates, all that fun stuff. I haven't gone back to work yet, but will in the next little bit. Not sure exactly when though. I'm going to start studying for my GRE again. I pulled all of my study materials out and will develop a plan to study for that.
On Sunday, we went to the cemetary for the first time since Clara's funeral and it was really nice. We weren't there for long, but a decent time. We looked at her little grave and were just quiet. The kids played in the wonderful climbing tree close to her grave. Ken and I said that they would get very good at climbing in that tree :) She doesn't have her headstone yet, but we are hoping to get it soon. It will be nice to see her name written and her birthdate when we visit her. We've thought a bit about the design and we want a little dragon on it for sure. She was always our little "Toothless" and Ken's little dragon. She was my little butterfly, and Jesse's little bird. I'm sure she was a lot to a lot of people, I just don't know the others.
My song today is My Heart is Broken by Evanescence. I figure I will post what song I am relating to the most at a specific time and see how it changes!
At my appointment, we talked about a lot of possibilities. We will never know exactly what happened to Clara, but we have been able to rule out some things which is nice. There were things that we talked about that we have talked about before, but it was good to go over, in person, everything we have discussed. My Dr. said that upon examining Clara after she was born, her size was definitely that of a 23 week baby. We know she was almost 28 weeks, so that's why we wonder what happened to cause her to be so small. My Dr. said if it was the cord around her neck that was decreasing the blood she was getting, that would have killed her before 5 weeks. That's a small amount of comfort knowing Clara most likely didn't starve to death. A possibility that my Dr. said she didn't think to test for at the time because she was thinking it would be a genetic issue is a virus. There are some viruses that will be silent in the mother but attack the baby. This could have happened to Clara. We didn't test for it so we don't know, but it's a possibility. It would make sense. Clara always measured perfectly on her ultrasounds before and was active and strong, and then it changed suddenly with her movements and activity, and then she stopped growing or slowed her growing considerably sometime after her 20 week ultrasound. My Dr. said if they had tested for a virus before she died, it wouldn't have changed the outcome because it was already too late if that was the case. My Dr. also thinks that even if they had delivered her after that bad ultrasound that Clara wouldn't have made it because of her size. Size, she was on the cusp of viability and although age is more important than size, size matters too. Especially if Clara was sick. My Dr. said maybe Clara just wasn't destined to be here long. I would rather she died safe and warm in me, then be born and be poked and struggle and then die. It's some consolation if she was going to die anyway. My Dr. is still going to talk to the perinatologist that did Clara's ultrasound after the bad ultrasound when she gets back on rotation and look over her notes just to get her opinion. I love it that my Dr. is trying so hard to find us any possible answer. She said to wait 6 months before we try again to let my body heal, and then if we want to, we can. We don't know if we want to then, later, or ever, but at least we have a time if we did.
Nathan and Isabel are doing well. They still make comments sometimes and love looking at pictures of Clara, but they are moving forward. Nathan told us a few days ago that he doesn't feel as sad anymore. That's good! Nathan started an after school program today where he gets to design and build models and machines with legos, motors, and battery packs. He is so excited and I think it's a great thing for him to do and just be a kid. Bella said that she wishes she had a living sister, and that when her little 2 yr old girl cousin came over to play, she pretended that she was her little sister. She's dealing with it well, and I think she understands her pain and loss quite well.
Ken and I are dealing with it. I still have a hard time not feeling guilty if I feel good. I feel in a way that I am betraying Clara if I don't feel sad all of the time. It's very confusing and hard. Logically, I know that it is perfectly fine and OK to feel good. My heart says something different though. That seems to be the case in almost everything I feel. Logically, I can spout off exactly what should be occurring and what steps to take if it seems that things aren't going well or in the right direction. I know it will get easier. I know all of this intellectually, and sometimes I can practice that. But more often than not now, my heart leads the way in how I am feeling and how I am responding to different things. I feel like the entire core of who I was was forced to move and everything shifted from where it was. I am not the same and never will be again. That isn't bad, big events that happen in our lives do change us. It just feels like it was an unwilling shift so it makes it harder to learn about the new me. I have never been overly emotional except when it comes to my kids. I've been called cold and unemotional many different times, I actually preferred to be thought of that way. I keep my emotions very close to me and hidden away. I don't like crying and will do almost anything to avoid that, although I have been very unsuccessful the last 3 weeks. I am usually very good at keeping my emotions and feelings to myself and not letting them out unless I want a specific thing to be shown. Now, I can't seem to do that and it's very frustrating. And although I think my daughter deserves to be shown emotion over, I have a hard time dealing with all of the emotions that come with losing your child and I keep trying to bind them back up to slowly deal with them, but they keep getting loose and everything I worked so hard to do is unraveling. I keep scrambling to stuff these emotions back in and getting more and more emotional because I can't do it. I never have good dreams about Clara. Only bad ones. A few nights ago in my dream, I was panicked because I didn't believe that the funeral director actually buried Clara. I was at her grave and I was on my hands and knees digging up her grave until I could see her casket and then see her. I dream about her with her cord around her neck. I just want good dreams of my baby, not bad ones.
Ken is doing well enough considering the situation and I feel really bad that he has to do so much because I can't. I hate that I am a burden to him. I hate that he feels like he has to take care of me. I hate that I'm not there to support him as I should be as his wife. I hate that Clara died, and he has to go through that pain. I just want to tell him all day long that I'm sorry, so very very sorry for everything. And none of that helps. It doesn't matter how sorry you are, it doesn't change anything. He's a great guy and is so good in a crisis. I know he has his own emotions he is dealing with and I think he's doing very well dealing with them. I want to be there to support him and although I do to a certain extent, I know it's not where it should be. I think he can overcome anything and is such an awesome person.
I don't know when it's supposed to get easier. There are good days and bad days. The good is definitely better everyday it seems. Some things are easier. I can go do stupid errands and not freak out anymore, I can focus better and my mind is clearer. It's good to know I haven't lost too many brain cells! Day to day life is getting back into a nice rhythm. We're doing all the normal things like homework, chores, dinner, playdates, all that fun stuff. I haven't gone back to work yet, but will in the next little bit. Not sure exactly when though. I'm going to start studying for my GRE again. I pulled all of my study materials out and will develop a plan to study for that.
On Sunday, we went to the cemetary for the first time since Clara's funeral and it was really nice. We weren't there for long, but a decent time. We looked at her little grave and were just quiet. The kids played in the wonderful climbing tree close to her grave. Ken and I said that they would get very good at climbing in that tree :) She doesn't have her headstone yet, but we are hoping to get it soon. It will be nice to see her name written and her birthdate when we visit her. We've thought a bit about the design and we want a little dragon on it for sure. She was always our little "Toothless" and Ken's little dragon. She was my little butterfly, and Jesse's little bird. I'm sure she was a lot to a lot of people, I just don't know the others.
My song today is My Heart is Broken by Evanescence. I figure I will post what song I am relating to the most at a specific time and see how it changes!
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