Remembering Her

There are so few times that we get to publicly remember our little girl, so the times that we do, we cherish. October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, and events all over the country, and the world, are held in honor and remembrance of babies that have died. This year, we participated in a few! On October 13th, we attended a Walk of Remembrance and Hope. It was amazing! I had been looking forward to this walk since right after Clara died. I loved being around other families that have also experienced baby loss, people that truly know how I feel and what my family is going through. We also had my sister and her daughter, my grandma, and Ken's mom come to support us and to remember Clara. I was so touched that they came! The service was wonderful and the walk was beautiful. We also did a balloon release and a name reading. When your baby's name was read, you released your balloon to Heaven. So powerful!! The sky was filled with balloons and it was really emotional to see how many babies in this one venue, in one city, have died.

Releasing Clara's and Lydia's balloon to Heaven!

On October 14th, a wonderful group in another state, held a walk to remember their babies, and other people's babies. They remembered over 600 babies. Every name was written on a banner, and every name was added to a video that they made in remembrance. Clara was one of the babies remembered by this group. I was so incredibly touched that people that I don't even know took their time to remember MY baby. I have a few pictures of her name on the banner, and the video that shows her name.

Part of the banner

Close-up of Clara's name!

October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Candles were lit all over the world at 7 pm their time, in remembrance of babies that have died. Although I couldn't light a candle at 7 because I wasn't home, I thought of my Clara, and all of the other babies gone too soon. It was great to have a special time to remember my daughter, and to tell the world that I have a daughter that died, and I love her, miss her, and will always remember her.

October 13th was also Clara's 9 month angelversary. Wow. I was telling Ken that now, babies that were conceived after Clara died, would be being born. It's a very strange feeling to know that new babies are here that didn't even exist when Clara died. It's hard to even wrap my head around it. But now starts a new journey because that is just how it will be from now on.

I think of Clara in Heaven, and I always imagine her so happy. I think of her with Lydia, and with other family members that have died. Just recently, I thought of her with our other baby that died early in my pregnancy before Clara. Right before I miscarried that baby, I had a dream that I was miscarrying and that that baby was a girl, and since I knew from early on what gender all of my other kids were, that baby was a girl. I've never done anything to really remember that baby, it was early in my pregnancy, and although it DID hurt, losing Clara was infinitely worse. I still do think about that baby too though, and sometimes I feel guilty that I don't think of "her" more. I have my hospital bracelet from when I went to the hospital when I was miscarrying that baby, and my positive pregnancy test. I actually put those items in a separate bag inside Clara's memory box. I know that some people name their babies that they lost early on in their pregnancies, and that sometimes, counselors even recommend having women name these babies to help them handle their grief, but I just can't think about different names to name my other dead baby, so I will just call her Angel Baby. So, back to my point :) I now sometimes think of Clara with her other "big" sister. I think of Clara and her angel sister together and waiting for us to one day join them. I don't know when the soul enters the body. Is it immediately upon conception? Or at some specific point during pregnancy? Did that baby have a soul? But I do believe that that baby did have a soul, and if she did, then of course her soul would be in Heaven with Clara. It's very hard to imagine that baby, or what she would look like. But I can imagine them together, and with Lydia. Three little girls together. It's a nice feeling.

The holidays are coming........I don't know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm so sad that my baby isn't here with us to celebrate the holidays with us. We will do everything we can to remember her during these days. Like I said before, there is a difference to being an Earth parent, and an Angel parent. We do our best to be the best parents to all our children. I want to be, and am, excited for Taters and Bella for the holidays, kids LOVE THEM!!! I'm also sad for me, Ken, and for them. Every day the holidays, and her 1st birthday, are getting closer, and every day, a little more weight is added to my shoulders about it. For Halloween, Clara was going to be baby Snow White, and Bella was going to be big Snow White. We already have both costumes, because the baby Snow White was Belle's when she was a baby. Both costumes are hanging in Belle's closet. I was going to put the baby Snow White costume away, but Bella wants it in her room still. She's sad that they can't be Snow White together. Thanksgiving....what am I thankful for? A lot. My health, my families health, my children and wonderful husband. I'm also angry that my baby girl is dead. Christmas....last Christmas, we were already thinking of how this Christmas, Clara would be here! We talked about how last Christmas was our last Christmas with the 4 of us, and how we would be shopping for 3 little ones next Christmas. Well, that's not going to happen. I was thinking of her Christmas stocking that I would make her, just like the ones that I made for Nathan and Isabel. It would have the Sugar Plum Fairy on it, because that's who she's named after. We would watch the Nutcracker and point out the Fairy to her. I will still make her stocking, and we will still hang it up, and maybe we will watch the Nutcracker, but maybe we won't. Either way, she'll be our Christmas Angel. New Years.....Clara was born in 2012, and once we leave 2012 behind, it feels that we are another step further from her. Part of me doesn't want to leave her behind, or to move on without her, but time doesn't stop and we are constantly moving on without her. I'm also looking forward to 2013 because 13 is Clara's number, and I hope that 2013 will be filled with hope and wonderful things. Her birthday.....more than that. Her birthday signifies that we have passed every day in the year without her. We should be celebrating her 1st birthday, giving her her first taste of cake. We have plans on what we will be doing that day, and it will be a day about Clara, but God I wish this whole situation was different. I have some ideas on how to make the Holidays easier on all of us, and I hope it helps, but I also know that a part of us will be grieving for the baby that is not with us on Earth.

It's also hard right now because we have memories of her from this time last year. I got pregnant with her in July, and that started a time when Clara was here "this time last year", but not having her be here now. I know when she was conceived, when I got that beautiful pregnancy test. The 1st time that I heard her heart beating, and the 1st time that I saw her. When we told the kids that she was coming and how happy they were. Announcing her imminent arrival to our families and friends! Feeling her move for the 1st time, hearing her heartbeat on my home doppler for the 1st time. The kids and Ken feeling her move! Watching my belly grow. Learning her sleep/awake patterns, and what made her kick more, and how she likes me to rub my belly. Feeling her snuggle up next to my organs, ouch! Proudly showing off my pregnant belly, and having people know that I was pregnant! Watching baby/birth shows, and dreaming about when she was going to be here. Preparing for her birth, and getting ready to sign the kids up for Big Brother/Big Sister classes! And then it all ended. Suddenly and tragically. Every hope, dream, and fantasy we had about her was destroyed. A bit after finding out that she was a girl, I remember walking up the stairs and just being so excited that we got to do the whole girl thing all over again! I had wanted a boy at first, but after knowing she was a girl, I was thrilled! We would get to do the hair bows, and princesses, and fancy dresses again! And now, I wouldn't be able to because now she is our Angel Girl.

We will always remember and think of our Clara. Although the heartache is great, and sometimes overwhelming, I embrace it because it means that Clara mattered to us, and that we love her and miss her. I would do it all over again for her, and I wouldn't trade her or this pain. I am THANKFUL that Clara is mine. Although I can't be an Earth mother to her, I can, and will be, the best Angel mother to her that I can be!

Fate, Destiny, Choice, Sacrifice, Hope

Of all the words in the title of this post, I don't know which one to pick to describe my feelings about this post, maybe it is all of them.

There is that awful saying that everything happens for a reason. But what is the reason for any baby dying? For my baby dying? An idea has come together over the last few months while I've been talking to people about Clara and why she died, and thinking of why she died. A beautiful and amazingly altruistic idea. I don't even know if I can put it correctly into words, but we will see.

When I first went back to work after Clara died, one of my co-workers told me how sorry she was and that she didn't know what I believed, but she believed that because Clara was so perfect, she didn't even have to be born to do what she needed to do in this life. At the time, it didn't give me comfort because I was still having a hard time even believing what had happened, but I kept it in my mind. Every so often, I would think of what she said, and it began to feel more and more right. I recently spoke with my counselor about it and went on with my own ideas that I had been thinking of, and that had been said to me. Here's what I came to realize. I don't know if I would have ever found out about my heart defect if we had not planned on bringing Clara into this life. The only reason I went to have it checked again was because I wanted to have another baby and I wanted to make sure it was safe. My doctor said to go ahead and try, it should be safe because I've had 2 other kids, but let's do another test just to be sure. So, we tried, and I got pregnant right away, and then the test came back that there was something wrong. Something wrong enough that could kill me, and made my doctors surprised that I had done so much physically. But, if that was all of her purpose, why didn't she die before we knew about her? There must be more. It was scary to go through a pregnancy knowing that my heart was defective. I tried not to think of it much, but I still did. My goal was to get Clara to an age where she could survive outside of me if I couldn't support her anymore. I did that. She was old enough to live. Once she was old enough, I relaxed a lot. I didn't know that she was already struggling. I didn't know that this pregnancy was already doomed. All I knew was that my baby could live, and I would die for her to live. But, that's not what happened. She died on me. She left me. I delivered her and really found out how strong I was, and how strong my family was. Another lesson. Since we have let her go, and gone through hell without her, we have grown stronger and closer. For me, my defenses were all ripped away. It was horrible and traumatic and incredibly hard, but I became vulnerable and had to be more open because the emotions that came pouring out were more than I could handle on my own. I needed others, and I had to confront the feelings and emotions that were racing through my head. I had to be honest about those emotions and open to others to help with those emotions. It's definitely still a work in progress, but I can empathize with people now, and I've found that as I'm more honest with my emotions, I've been able to develop close emotional relationships with people. Amazing. It was Clara's sacrifice that changed everything. If she had died before we ever knew her, I would have still found out about my heart, and we would have been spared this grief, but we would have also missed out on a life-changing event. A chance to change who we are that is only given through great trauma, a great loss. And, even more, missed out on knowing a beautiful little girl.

When I had my post-partum check-up with my doctor, we talked a lot about possible causes. The part that relates to this post is something that my doctor said. After going through all of Clara's ultrasounds, pathology reports, amnio reports, having had examined her after her birth, my doctor said she couldn't tell us why Clara died, but by what she saw, or didn't see, maybe it was fate that my little girl wasn't here with us. Maybe she just wasn't destined to be here long. That was hard to hear when I just lost my baby, but once it has time to settle in, it made a certain kind of sense. So, maybe Clara had a decision to make. A choice to come to us and stay for such a short time, but to change everything, or a different choice, with a different outcome. Maybe, because of her great love for us, she chose to be here for a short time. Knowing that she would never get to feel the warmth of the sun, or to laugh at her brother or sister, or to get kisses from her mommy and daddy. But to touch us all in all the ways that she could not if she were physically here. She knew that our family would survive it. She knew that we would love her so much, that even when we had to let her little body go, we would still carry her with us in our hearts. I have hope, because of her, that we will meet again, and one day, our family will once again be together.

It's such a huge responsibility to think that she gave her life for me, and for the rest of us to learn from her death. In a way, I feel like I should live for her and for me, and then I ask myself, what should I do with my life if that's what I choose? I have so many ideas and they feel right. I am now much more of a complete person, even with my heart broken. I know that it might seem that this could just be reaching, trying to find something good in this horrible situation, but that's not how it feels. I do have faith in what my Clara did, and I fully intend to do something with that faith, because I am not meant to die yet.

Longing

A little bit ago, I had a dream about Clara. She was so tiny, much tinier than in real life, and she was dead, but she looked so alive. Her eyes opened and it wasn't scary, but beautiful. Her eyes were brown, just like the rest of us. I had been wondering about some of the things that we would always wonder about, and thought about her eye color, so because of this dream, I will say that she would have had beautiful brown eyes.

I had another dream about Clara after that. She was alive but I knew that she was going to die. I held her in my arms, and held her against my chest. I loved her and I didn't want her to die. I wanted her here with us. She grasped my hand with her tiny fingers, and I looked down at her and felt so much love for her. I would die for her if she could live. She looked so weak and fragile. I was able to feed her and that made her perk up a bit. She started to look better! Maybe she will live! I just kept looking at her thinking that she would die at any moment, but praying that she would live and be okay. I know I dreamt this because it's everything I couldn't do for her, but to the very depths of my soul wish that I could have. Hold her living in my arms. Watch her move. Feed her. Try to keep her alive.

I had another dream where I was pregnant with another baby. I hadn't felt that baby move for a day and I just held my stomach crying because I knew that I had lost that baby too. It was terrifying. Dreams take you to so many places that you wouldn't otherwise go. I don't know if these dreams that I've had help or not. In one way, it's nice to have moments with her that I couldn't have otherwise. They say that your mind can't tell the difference between a dream and reality, so maybe because of my dreams, I get to have some moments with her that I don't get in real life. On the other hand, once I wake up, it's hard to let go of her again, because even if my dreams of her aren't so happy, I am still with her and I am still holding her or looking at her or planning on her. I don't want it to be over. I would spend eternity in my dreams if it meant I could be with her. I feel like a part of my soul is always looking for her, wondering where she went and when we will meet again. Sometimes, I wish that I had died with her. It would have been so easy, I just had to not have woken up. My heart was broken, emotionally and physically, but it kept beating and sometimes I wonder how and I wonder why. It sounds incredibly selfish to say these things, especially because I have 2 other children that love me and need me here so much, and a husband that also loves and needs me, but these are thoughts that come, whether I want them to or not.

I always thought that my "light" would come back, but I'm starting to wonder if it will or if it's gone forever. Part of me died when Clara died. Part of me stopped when Clara's body stopped. It's like being in a painting and having a dull color painted over you. You don't have control over it, it just is, and you don't have any energy to stop the color being put on you either, you just don't care. I know there are times when I just shut down emotionally. I just go somewhere in my mind and am disconnected from my emotions and the emotions around me. It's a little scary because it's not something that I can prevent or turn on or off. I'm sure it's a defense mechanism, and it definitely does its job! This year was so traumatic with everything that we went through, with Clara, and with each other. We'll never get better or get over it. It's not something that you can get better from. It's not like one day, we're going to be just fine. Everyone can breath a huge sigh of relief because we're fine now! Thank you for all of your support and understanding! Your compassion and comfort! It was greatly needed during our time of need. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. For me, I am not fine. I am hurt and so very angry and unimaginably heartbroken. People think this will be over? It will never be over. No one can ever give me back what was taken from me. No one can ever make it better. I hate the whispers behind my back of, "that's the girl with the baby", and the understanding "oh" and nod. I pretend to ignore it. Maybe I should wear a sign that says, "Yes, I'm THAT girl with the dead baby. Any questions?" My anger is so strong at times, and I just want someone to say something rude, or push me when I'm walking on the street just so that I can yell at them and let out that hurt and anger. Take it out on them and make them feel as bad as I do. One little thing can anger me so much. I used to be able to control it much better, but not now. I feel it burning in me and I have no way to disperse it. Maybe one day.

I want my little girl. My little girl that we never got to know. What would be her favorite color? We say purple because that was the color we picked for her from before she was born, but what would she say? What would be her favorite song? Would she have loved to dance like her big sister, or be a little shy like her big brother? What would have made her laugh or cry? Would she have loved to snuggle with her mommy and daddy? I do miss her every day. Most of the time I feel very alone, and I know that grief is personal and whatnot, but it's hard not to feel completely alone. People don't want to hear about her or to talk about her. I have a couple of good friends at work who still let me talk about her, and that is really nice. I've found that the people that still listen to me talk about her are the people that I least expected. I've gotten closer to those people because of it and it's amazed me how much they care about me and my family when they had no reason or purpose to. It's also amazes me that they acknowledge Clara as a person, as a child that died. Not just as a baby that was never born. That part means so much to me.