How Many Kids Do You Have?, And Other Related Questions.

How many kids do you have is such a hard question to answer! Every time that I am asked, I hesitate. Do I want to go into details right now? Am I in the right mood? Because I know that the follow-up question to my answer is going to be, "how old are they". There are simple answers for sure, "I have three. Two here and one in Heaven", but then I have to deal with the sympathy and the awkwardness that fills the room. Sometimes I am fine dealing with it and can say that I have 3 children, or that I have 2 children and a baby girl that died. Other times I cannot. I just say 2 and go from there. Then I feel guilt. Horrible guilt, and I just want to tell Clara that Mommy loves her so much and didn't forget her, that I could never forget her, and I'm so sorry that I didn't mention her.

I've noticed that even the kids have to go through this. They bring home homework from school, papers and crafts that they need to make and fill out, papers and crafts that involve their families. How many brothers and sisters, family trees, etc. So far, there hasn't been a doubt in their minds that they will include their little sister. Bella made a paper that said she had 1 brother and 1 sister. Nathan made a family tree tonight with our hands traced and cut out and glued to paper. I asked him what he was planning, and he said that he wanted all of us on there, with Clara on the top because she was the youngest. On each hand print, he had to write different traits that each of us had. We traced our hands, cut them out, and he added our traits. The instructions said that he could draw and cut out family members hands that weren't there to be traced, so that's what we did for Clara. We cut out little hands that were the size of hers, and then quickly realized that there was no room to write anything on them, so we cut out bigger hands and glued the Clara sized hands inside the bigger ones. Nathan was a little worried that he wouldn't be able to write anything about Clara, but I told him that he would probably be surprised what he could write. Well guess what?! He was able to fill every little finger with a trait. What trait did she share with brothers or sisters? The shape of her eyes. What trait did she share with one of her parents? Her dark hair from her momma. What is her favorite hobby or activity? Sucking her thumb. What is one of her character traits? Her sweetness. Eight fingers we filled with traits. Then, we glued them all to the paper, and he decorated it with stickers. He put stickers on all of our hands, and colors to match our birthstones. Clara's hands ended up with a lot of stickers on them! I think he was really thinking of her and wanting to do something for/about her. It turned out beautifully and he was very proud of it!! Maybe I should learn something from my kids and just face the reality no matter the pain, I have THREE children!




Family Tree, by Nathan




I know that Clara's death still affects us all. We have more days than not where we are fine now, but then there are other days where we think about her a lot and are just heartbroken and devastated all over again. For me, I relive those moments. The days before, going to that appointment.  The doctor struggling to get an accurate measurement on how high my uterus was, not finding Clara's heartbeat on the Doppler, and then the ultrasound. The horror that was revealed when I saw my still baby on that screen. There are times that I want to throw a tantrum and just kick and scream and try to scramble away from even myself because the pain is so great, but there is no where to go and no where to hide. There are times that I have to just breathe deeply to calm down and tell myself that this pain will once again lessen and I will be able to relax again, and although I know that crushing pain will come again, I know that it will also lessen again.  Some days I just immerse myself in all that is Clara, and other days, I can't even talk about her because it hurts too much. My little baby. In some ways, it gets harder rather than getting easier. For me, there are times I get so sad and so mad because she is not changing! The kids both have had birthdays, and she stays the same. She should be eating solid foods, getting teeth, crawling, pulling up, saying "Mama, Dada" and whatever names she would have come up with for Nathan and Isabel. But she's not and she never will. We are all changing and part of me feels like we are leaving her behind.

Nathan thinks about her but doesn't talk about her very often. He's like Ken in that department! My boys, keeping their hearts close to them. It's beautiful. Nathan did pick a cherry tomato from our little garden. He brought it in and said that it reminded him of Clara. I asked him why and he said because it was premature and a little wrinkly. He is so awesome! He does think about his sister and I love the ways that he thinks of her!



Nathan's right in what he said, and I have to say it's even more like Clara than he first thought. Look at that dead branch that it was growing from. What a fighting preemie tomato! Just like Clara!



Bella talks about Clara still, and still sometimes snuggles up in her bed with the "I'm a Big Brother Book" and her "God" book. She wanted me to read her "Hello Baby" a few days ago. Nathan got that book from my Grandma when I was pregnant with her. It's about a little boy who is going to be a big brother, and the 1st day home with his baby sister. I made it through the book without breaking down amazingly!! So proud!!! Bella was just fine throughout. She giggled during the funny parts, and although she grew a little somber during other parts, she was happy with the book. Bella still cries for Clara sometimes and has so many questions. I've told both kids that when they miss Clara and need her, she is already there with them. We talk about how much fun she's having in Heaven, and imagine all the things that she could be doing. I feel so close to Clara when we talk about her like that, and I can feel her near me at different times, which seems so odd because I've never felt anything like that before. It's just a peaceful feeling that comes over me, and a feeling in my chest that I get. The best way to describe that feeling is when someone is hugging you and your bodies push up against each other. When I'm really sad about Clara, those feelings help me feel better, and when I'm fine, and not in my sad time, it makes me smile.

It's so different now when I watch a show and someone dies, or I read a news story about someone dying. It doesn't matter who it was, but when I hear it or see it, I am crushed all over again. I get teary eyed and feel so horrible for the family, and I hurt for them. I know how hard those first few months are, they are a living hell, and I relive part of my pain from that time when someone else dies. I'm putting together Clara's scrapbook and it is so much more work than I thought! Which makes me so incredibly happy!! As I'm re-reading texts, and emails, and messages, all the info is there showing that we should have been very concerned. It's definitely true that hindsight is 20/20. In December, when she stopped growing and we didn't know that yet, I expressed my concern to many people. Just little comments here and there, but my fear was there. I felt something was so wrong, but I didn't really believe that my baby could die. I believed that no matter what, all of our great technology would save her, and that was if she really needed all of that great technology. Of course she would be fine. It's like taking your child to the doctor because you fear they are very sick, and the doctor reassures you that your child is fine, just a cold, nothing to worry about. Unfortunately, that was not the case, and even more unfortunately, there were definite signs that things were wrong that I ignored or chose not to worry about. 

I still watch Clara's memorial video from time to time, and it's so great to see her moving and doing cute things in the ultrasound videos. I watch her suck her thumb, rub her face, "wave" to us, explore with her arms, kick her legs, hiccup!, do her practice breathing, and watch that beautiful heart beat so strongly. It's such a great reminder that she was HERE. She EXISTED. She was ALIVE. Sometimes she is such a dream to me, and I miss her more because of it! I've stared at her ultrasound pictures, trying to see something that was missed. I can see the cord around her neck, even in her 20 weeks ultrasound pictures. It looks like a bubble necklace. It shouldn't have been a problem, but her cord didn't form correctly so it wasn't as strong. It's so weird to lose someone you love. When we lost Clara, it seemed so sudden. One moment, we were planning for her. Making plans, getting excited for her baby shower, talking about everything that we would do with her, in total pregnancy mode, and then in an instant, that was all ripped away and we were left with nothing but empty arms and a devastated heart. We didn't know how was going on, we didn't know how to deal with the feelings that we were dealing with. If I could do it over again, I would change a million things! But that is always how it is. We would all change a million things because it wasn't enough. None of it was enough and none of it will ever be enough. We just learn how to eventually accept that and try to be happy with what we do have.

To end this post on a positive, this is a great story! Three weeks ago, I was going to attend my first in person support group meeting. I was excited, nervous, emotional. On my way to work earlier that day, I was driving on the freeway and suddenly, a white dove swooped in front on me. Not close enough to be in any danger of me hitting it, but close enough for me to be able to sit it's beautiful dance in the sky as I drove on. I thought that it was beautiful and what a nice way to start the day! Later that evening, as I was driving to the support meeting, I was feeling more emotional and nervous. Suddenly, TWO white doves swooped in front of me and danced around each other in the sky. Again, not in any danger of getting hit. I know that we do have doves here, obviously, but I have never seen white ones, and have never seen them dance in front of my car. Especially 3 doves in one day! Doves, especially white doves, symbolize peace, love, and are symbolic messengers. I like to think that they were sent to me by my little Clara, to let her mommy know that she's still with me and thinking of me, just as I am thinking of her. Numbers hold a lot of meaning to me regarding Clara, specifically the numbers 3 and 13. I'll have to explain that another day!

This summer, my dad came to visit us and we went for a hike in the mountains. While we were there, we saw 3 white butterflies dancing with each other. They were so graceful and seemed to be almost playful with each other. It was fascinating to watch. I took pictures of them so we would remember them. My dad, who was far enough away from us that I didn't think that he could see them, said that he did see them and had been watching them too. Maybe these 3 white butterflies were also Clara sending us her love. Maybe there are more signs than we think, we just need to open our eyes to them!



Dancing Butterflies from Clara

We love you so much Clara!!! And we miss you every day! I want to tell you sweet dreams and tuck you in, but since I can't, I hope that the angels will! Tell them to give you a kiss from me!