7 months today. It's amazing that it has been that long. I always have more of an emotional time in the few days leading up to the 13th of each month, and this time was no different. It's a hard month for a couple of reasons. 1st, we've past the 1/2 way point of the year and are well into the second part of the year, and 2nd, she has now been gone for longer than she was here. I was 7 months pregnant with her when she died. 7 months seems like so long and sometimes it's harder now than it was at first. It's been so long since I've held her or even seen her. Parents aren't supposed to be separated from their children like this. In other ways, it is easier. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it sure does help. We've all learned better how to cope with our loss and how to handle these feelings that come. I still wonder sometimes if she will know me, and I fear that she won't. I sure hope that she does because I will know her!
When I look at her pictures, I try to find new things in them. I've stared at the same pictures for months now, and I do love them and treasure them, but sometimes I get frustrated because they never change. She will never change. When I see the picture of her casket before it was closed, and she's all wrapped in her blanket, every instinct in me wants to reach through the picture, scoop her up, and hold her close to me. She looks like a little bundle all comfy and cozy, just waiting for mommy/daddy/brother/sister kisses. Sometimes, I just beg and beg for her to be returned to me. I miss her so much. It's horrible sometimes hearing about other people's pregnancies or babies and knowing how much you failed. Failed so much that your daughter died, and not knowing exactly how you failed her, but somehow you must have, because she is not here.
Now that the hole in my heart is fixed, I focus on when I can get pregnant. I'm terrified, excited, hopeful, anxious. Before we found out how big the hole was, I was hoping to get pregnant, no matter the risk to me from it. I didn't care. After we found how how big the hole was, I felt fortunate that I hadn't gotten pregnant. My cardiologist said he was surprised that I had even been able to carry 2 babies full-term, and surprised about how much physically I had done in my life with my heart how it was. I am very fortunate to be here, I rolled the dice and won on this. I asked him again if my heart contributed to Clara's death, and he said no, because technically she died of a cord accident, but that poor baby was so so small. So much smaller than she should have been and she had definitely been struggling. I still wonder if my heart just couldn't support her and me, so my body decided to not support her. That really sucks. Now, it will take a year for my heart to heal. It will take a year to condition my body to function properly. My cardio said absolutely no babies right now, and go to every measure to prevent pregnancy. He said if my tests come back 100% perfect at 6 months post-op, he might consider giving me the go ahead at 9 months, but not to count on it. So, I am planning on a year and hoping that I can try this again. My heart doesn't beat right a lot of the time now, and I take meds to keep it in rhythm, and this can happen after getting it fixed, but I worry that it won't ever find the correct rhythm. The meds I take are known to cause harm to an unborn baby, so I can't get pregnant on them. Plus, if my heart is not beating correctly, it would be selfish to try to get pregnant. I can't adopt, nobody is going to let me adopt with my heart issues. Even though they should correct themselves and be okay, even having that on your medical history is a huge negative. What if I can't carry a baby again? What do I do? Maybe I should just be thankful for the 2 living children that I have. I am. I already am so thankful for them. That doesn't help my heart to not desire another living child. That is what keeps me going right now. That is where my eyes, mind, and heart are focused on. That's what gets me through every single day. I am terrified I won't be able to fulfill that desire.
The kids get nervous when Ken or I have to go to the doctor. I know it scares them. They have experienced the worst thing possible. We reassure them and every time we come back home from the hospital and things are okay, it helps them feel a little bit better for the next time. They are so brave and amazing. They just blow my mind how great they are with everything they have dealt with and are dealing with. Maybe having everything happen this year will actually end up being good. They can learn that you can go into the hospital and come out okay. There can still be happy endings for us.
Something that I've learned since Clara died; people really do care. It sounds so simple, but I never really believed it before. The amount of support that we received from our family and our friends, and still receive, is unbelievable. I have become more open with my emotions now and not so afraid to show them or to talk about them. I'm not as closed off as I was and I think that I am learning to be more loving and compassionate with others. If I've learned nothing but that from my daughter's death, that's more than enough. I am so thankful for what I have been given and for what I have. It makes me feel good that my family and friends still think of her and of us. I'm thankful that people are understanding of the fact that I might suddenly start rambling on about Clara and things that I want to do in memory of her. I'm thankful that people still cry for her. That means so much to a grieving parent, to know that their babies are being thought of, missed, and loved. To hear the words, "We love you, Clara" coming out of the mouths of people that I care about so much. Thankful for those that take the time to look at her pictures and let me show-off the few precious things we have of her, like any proud parent would.
Here is a quote from an episode of 'One Tree Hill' - "The hardest part of saying good-bye, is having to do it again every day".
Monday, August 13, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Always in Our Hearts
I still miss my daughter every single day. I want her with me so very badly. I visit her grave and just think of her; holding her, loving her, missing her. Ken and I dropped the kids off at break dancing class last week and went to visit Clara. Ken had been to her grave just a couple of days before, but I hadn't been for a couple of weeks. I still always get so nervous going to see her. As we pull up to the cemetery, I worry that something has happened to her or to her headstone. I don't know if that is normal, but it is what I feel. As we walk to her grave, I feel myself getting anxious and intently looking for her headstone. Then I see it. It is perfect and just as it should be, and then I relax and visit with my daughter. Ken doesn't feel the anxiety as I do. It's different for him. We weren't in any hurry, and since we didn't have the kids with us, we spent time looking at other baby graves by Clara. We have gotten familar with the ones close by to her, but we ventured further than we have before. So many lives gone too soon. So many families carrying the heartache that we carry. It was really sad and depressing! I couldn't help but think of all of those little ones, dressed lovingly by their families, laying forever under that ground. It makes it very real. I think of their families, as I think of mine. I look at the trinkets that are left on the headstones and know that there is significance in every single item that is left for these babies. They are not lost, they are still thought of and still treasured, 5, 10, 20, 50 years later. They are forever a part of their families lives and forever loved. It is so quiet and so peaceful at the cemetery. A nursery in a way, caring for the babies that never got a chance to live.
Overall we are doing well! We can see a future, and although it doesn't have Clara growing with us and experiencing things with us, she is still always there. Bella was looking at a picture of the 4 of us that was taken on the 4th of July. She was staring so intently at it, and I asked her what she was thinking. She said that Clara will never be in our family pictures, and she would never get to do things with us and she really missed her. I told Bella that that is a sad part, that Clara is always missing, and then Bella said, "but Clara is always in our hearts". And she's right, Clara is always in our hearts and we do carry her with us every day and with every thing that we do. When we watch a show that has a baby in it, especially when it involves a big sibling with a baby, or see a big sibling with a baby somewhere that we go, Bella stares longingly at them. She obviously wants that and it hurts her that she doesn't have it. Isabel calls her Clarey and says that she thinks about her every day, and that she prays for her. Belle wants to know that Clara is okay and wants Clara to experience things that she enjoys. Bella wants to know that Clara is happy and doing well. It bothers her that she can't be with Clara, and it bothers her that she doesn't know why Clara can't be with her. I know that I wish I knew why too! I think of what Clara would be doing now, I can't stop myself from thinking about it. She would be laughing, sitting, and maybe crawling, and she would have 2 parents and 2 big siblings that would give her everything she wanted. We would all be so happy and would not be carrying around the heartache and hurt of losing her. Sometimes when I see Belle sleeping, she looks so much like Clara. Sometimes if Belle has snuck into our bed at night and I wake up to find her sleeping next to me, I have to do a double-take because I think it's Clara. Clara had delicate features like Bella. They had the same face shape and same build. Clara's nose was like Nathan's, and her eyes looked to be a bit more slanted, like Ken's, but she still looked a lot like Bella. And sometimes, Ken and I accidently call Bella, Clara, or Clara, Bella.
Nathan is very logical about the whole thing. He misses Clara and that is evident from what he does for her and how he talks about her. When we were visiting Clara a bit ago, he said that he was going to make a memorial for his "lost sister" on a game that he plays. He did it too! He made a special garden, and added her headstone, with her name, and all of the symbols we have on her headstone, and also the tree that is next to her grave. It was a beautiful memorial for his sister. Nathan wonders about the darkness as he calls it. It worries him to think about being dead and maybe being in darkness, and it worries him to think of Clara being in darkness. We talk about it and do our best to reassure him. I tell him that Clara isn't in darkness, she is in light and is happy. I tell both of them that Clara plays in Heaven, and that I imagine that she spends a lot of time with Lydia, and that whenever they miss her or need her, she will come to them. I know they see my crying about her sometimes. It doesn't seem to upset them as much as it used to, they are getting used to it I suppose, but I know that it still affects them. I also think that it is good for them to know that it is still and will always be okay to cry for her and miss her. When the song, 'Keep Holding On' comes on, we all sing to it. For those that don't remember, I played that song for Clara after we found out that she was so little, and then played it for myself to keep moving forward after she was gone. It means a lot to us.
I painted pictures for both Nathan and Isabel this last month. I've been wanting to for awhile, and finally did them. I let them pick whatever they wanted for their pictures. Belle picked a flower garden, with her and I together, and Nathan, Daddy, and Clara together in the background. Nathan picked a lake setting, with him and Clara together on a magic carpet, and Bella, Daddy, and I together looking at them. They were both so sweet about their paintings, and both wanted to include Clara in their paintings without being prompted to do so. They loved them I have to say! Nathan got a little emotional when I showed him his. He looked at it and loved that he was with Clara. I also made the kids Clara Cats. I got the idea from Molly Bears. I bought stuffed cats that were 13 1/2 inches long, and bought bean-bag pellets and a scale. I pulled out the stuffing from the cats, and replaced it with the pellets until the cats weighed 1 lb 9 oz. Then I wrapped them up and gave them to the kids. They really enjoyed them! They never got to hold Clara, something that they had wanted to do and that I so wish had been able to do. It was just something that never happened. So for them to really feel about big their sister was, and to feel her weight in their arms, it was pretty special for them. When Bella misses Clara, she pulls out different things. Usually they involve, the "I'm a Big Brother" book, her Clara cat, Clara Lamb, her photo album of Clara, and the "God" book. It's sweet.
Nathan is so grown-up most of the time. He told us one day that 'we will always grieve, it's just a part of who we are now'. How insightful for a child! Terri had bought Nathan a stuffed husky, and she told me that Nathan told her that it was cool because he gave his other stuffed husky dog to his sister. She thought that he had meant Isabel, until I told her that he meant Clara. He had put it in her casket with her. I love it that he labels Clara as his sister. It makes me feel good about how he feels about things.
I am making Clara's scrapbook, like I made Nathan and Isabel's, and it is a very emotional thing. Re-reading the times when she was perfect and healthy, re-reading when we found out she had died, and re-reading the 10 parts of her story that I have written, listing every little detail of her birth, time spent with her, and her funeral. It is also nice to be making this for her too. The kids are excited that we are making one for Clara too, they love theirs so much and wanted one for her! I was at the craft store buying supplies for Clara's scrapbook, and the checker was very friendly. He asked what I was making, and I told him a scrapbook for my daughter. He said how neat and asked how old she was. I paused because this question in hard to answer. Same as how many kids do you have. Sometimes, I am in a mindset where I just say that she died, or that I have 3 kids, 2 here and 1 in Heaven. Other times, I just can't go there, and it also feels kind of nice to either pretend for a moment that this is not my life, or to not see the look on the person's face when you tell them your child died. I went for the later this time. I just said that she was still a baby. It's true, she will always be a baby, but I know that it's misleading too. He carried on in the conversation and asked if I had other kids, this one was easy. "Yes, 2 others". Their ages? "10 and 7". Here's where it got tricky and I thought maybe I should have just said Clara had died to begin with. He told me that he has an older sister that is 7 years older than him too and she was like a little mother to him growing up, and how close they are and how great it was growing up with her. Knife in the heart!!! I just smiled and nodded and quickly got out of there. I couldn't help but think of the relationship that Nathan, Isabel, and Clara have and will always be missing out on. It's so heartbreaking. I told Ken about it, and he said that when people ask him, he just tells them that he has 3 children, and that his baby girl died. He deals with the looks and the apologies. It's so interesting how different we all handle grief. It is definitely a personal and sometimes lonely experience.
This post ended up being mainly about the kids and how they are doing. I will update with how Ken and I are doing soon!! To end this post, here is an overall view of how the kids are doing. They want to change their names to:
Nathan - Chase Nathaniel Awesome
Isabel - Butterfly Rainbow Happy
Yeah, I think they are doing just fine! :)
Sorry if any typos or weird grammar things! I did not proof-read this one!
Overall we are doing well! We can see a future, and although it doesn't have Clara growing with us and experiencing things with us, she is still always there. Bella was looking at a picture of the 4 of us that was taken on the 4th of July. She was staring so intently at it, and I asked her what she was thinking. She said that Clara will never be in our family pictures, and she would never get to do things with us and she really missed her. I told Bella that that is a sad part, that Clara is always missing, and then Bella said, "but Clara is always in our hearts". And she's right, Clara is always in our hearts and we do carry her with us every day and with every thing that we do. When we watch a show that has a baby in it, especially when it involves a big sibling with a baby, or see a big sibling with a baby somewhere that we go, Bella stares longingly at them. She obviously wants that and it hurts her that she doesn't have it. Isabel calls her Clarey and says that she thinks about her every day, and that she prays for her. Belle wants to know that Clara is okay and wants Clara to experience things that she enjoys. Bella wants to know that Clara is happy and doing well. It bothers her that she can't be with Clara, and it bothers her that she doesn't know why Clara can't be with her. I know that I wish I knew why too! I think of what Clara would be doing now, I can't stop myself from thinking about it. She would be laughing, sitting, and maybe crawling, and she would have 2 parents and 2 big siblings that would give her everything she wanted. We would all be so happy and would not be carrying around the heartache and hurt of losing her. Sometimes when I see Belle sleeping, she looks so much like Clara. Sometimes if Belle has snuck into our bed at night and I wake up to find her sleeping next to me, I have to do a double-take because I think it's Clara. Clara had delicate features like Bella. They had the same face shape and same build. Clara's nose was like Nathan's, and her eyes looked to be a bit more slanted, like Ken's, but she still looked a lot like Bella. And sometimes, Ken and I accidently call Bella, Clara, or Clara, Bella.
Nathan is very logical about the whole thing. He misses Clara and that is evident from what he does for her and how he talks about her. When we were visiting Clara a bit ago, he said that he was going to make a memorial for his "lost sister" on a game that he plays. He did it too! He made a special garden, and added her headstone, with her name, and all of the symbols we have on her headstone, and also the tree that is next to her grave. It was a beautiful memorial for his sister. Nathan wonders about the darkness as he calls it. It worries him to think about being dead and maybe being in darkness, and it worries him to think of Clara being in darkness. We talk about it and do our best to reassure him. I tell him that Clara isn't in darkness, she is in light and is happy. I tell both of them that Clara plays in Heaven, and that I imagine that she spends a lot of time with Lydia, and that whenever they miss her or need her, she will come to them. I know they see my crying about her sometimes. It doesn't seem to upset them as much as it used to, they are getting used to it I suppose, but I know that it still affects them. I also think that it is good for them to know that it is still and will always be okay to cry for her and miss her. When the song, 'Keep Holding On' comes on, we all sing to it. For those that don't remember, I played that song for Clara after we found out that she was so little, and then played it for myself to keep moving forward after she was gone. It means a lot to us.
I painted pictures for both Nathan and Isabel this last month. I've been wanting to for awhile, and finally did them. I let them pick whatever they wanted for their pictures. Belle picked a flower garden, with her and I together, and Nathan, Daddy, and Clara together in the background. Nathan picked a lake setting, with him and Clara together on a magic carpet, and Bella, Daddy, and I together looking at them. They were both so sweet about their paintings, and both wanted to include Clara in their paintings without being prompted to do so. They loved them I have to say! Nathan got a little emotional when I showed him his. He looked at it and loved that he was with Clara. I also made the kids Clara Cats. I got the idea from Molly Bears. I bought stuffed cats that were 13 1/2 inches long, and bought bean-bag pellets and a scale. I pulled out the stuffing from the cats, and replaced it with the pellets until the cats weighed 1 lb 9 oz. Then I wrapped them up and gave them to the kids. They really enjoyed them! They never got to hold Clara, something that they had wanted to do and that I so wish had been able to do. It was just something that never happened. So for them to really feel about big their sister was, and to feel her weight in their arms, it was pretty special for them. When Bella misses Clara, she pulls out different things. Usually they involve, the "I'm a Big Brother" book, her Clara cat, Clara Lamb, her photo album of Clara, and the "God" book. It's sweet.
Nathan is so grown-up most of the time. He told us one day that 'we will always grieve, it's just a part of who we are now'. How insightful for a child! Terri had bought Nathan a stuffed husky, and she told me that Nathan told her that it was cool because he gave his other stuffed husky dog to his sister. She thought that he had meant Isabel, until I told her that he meant Clara. He had put it in her casket with her. I love it that he labels Clara as his sister. It makes me feel good about how he feels about things.
I am making Clara's scrapbook, like I made Nathan and Isabel's, and it is a very emotional thing. Re-reading the times when she was perfect and healthy, re-reading when we found out she had died, and re-reading the 10 parts of her story that I have written, listing every little detail of her birth, time spent with her, and her funeral. It is also nice to be making this for her too. The kids are excited that we are making one for Clara too, they love theirs so much and wanted one for her! I was at the craft store buying supplies for Clara's scrapbook, and the checker was very friendly. He asked what I was making, and I told him a scrapbook for my daughter. He said how neat and asked how old she was. I paused because this question in hard to answer. Same as how many kids do you have. Sometimes, I am in a mindset where I just say that she died, or that I have 3 kids, 2 here and 1 in Heaven. Other times, I just can't go there, and it also feels kind of nice to either pretend for a moment that this is not my life, or to not see the look on the person's face when you tell them your child died. I went for the later this time. I just said that she was still a baby. It's true, she will always be a baby, but I know that it's misleading too. He carried on in the conversation and asked if I had other kids, this one was easy. "Yes, 2 others". Their ages? "10 and 7". Here's where it got tricky and I thought maybe I should have just said Clara had died to begin with. He told me that he has an older sister that is 7 years older than him too and she was like a little mother to him growing up, and how close they are and how great it was growing up with her. Knife in the heart!!! I just smiled and nodded and quickly got out of there. I couldn't help but think of the relationship that Nathan, Isabel, and Clara have and will always be missing out on. It's so heartbreaking. I told Ken about it, and he said that when people ask him, he just tells them that he has 3 children, and that his baby girl died. He deals with the looks and the apologies. It's so interesting how different we all handle grief. It is definitely a personal and sometimes lonely experience.
This post ended up being mainly about the kids and how they are doing. I will update with how Ken and I are doing soon!! To end this post, here is an overall view of how the kids are doing. They want to change their names to:
Nathan - Chase Nathaniel Awesome
Isabel - Butterfly Rainbow Happy
Yeah, I think they are doing just fine! :)
Sorry if any typos or weird grammar things! I did not proof-read this one!
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