Forever a Part of Us

Well, we made it through Halloween. There was a sadness surrounding it, but we still had a fun time. Bella was a witch, and Nathan was the grim reaper. As I've said before, Bella and Clara were both going to be Snow White for Halloween this year. Belle has a Snow White costume, and we have a baby one that was Belle's when she was little. Clara's not here to be Snow White, so there was no way that Bella was going to be Snow White either. We went to a trunk or treat activity the day before Halloween, and when we were almost finished, I looked up and saw a baby that would have been around Clara's age, dressed as Snow White, then next to her, I saw her big sister, around Belle's age, also dressed as Snow White. My heart dropped. I quickly looked at Belle to see if she had noticed the sisters, and she had. My poor babe. She was staring at them with her mouth open, and shock on her little face. I asked her if she was okay, and she said yes. She asked me if I was okay, and I told her yes too. It made Belle sad though, and the rest of the night she was sad about Clara. Right before bed, Belle was still sad so I came up with a brilliant idea! I told her to go get her Clara Cat (a stuffed cat that I made that is the exact height and weight that Clara was. Both of the kids have one), and the baby Snow White dress. I dressed Clara Cat up in the costume and handed her to Bella. Bella was SO SO happy! She smiled and loved that she had something to hold that made her feel like Clara was close to her. I told her that if she was very careful, she could take Clara Cat to school for the Halloween parade and party. I didn't want her to have to watch other brothers and sisters with their baby siblings all dressed up with nothing to show for it. She loved that! She told me the next day that she put the Clara Cat on her broomstick and walked that way throughout the parade. I was very happy for her.

I hate it! I hate that we have to go through our lives missing someone that we love so much! I hate that my children have to know this pain at such young ages. They have to miss out on things that they would have done with Clara, and they have to carry this pain with them and silently watch while others get to enjoy their precious miracles. It's definitely not fair.

Bella feeling better after dressing up Clara Cat in the Snow White costume.

We had decorated Clara's grave for Halloween a week and a half before Halloween and it looked awesome! Unfortunately, the day after we decorated it, we had a big storm come through with strong winds, rain, and snow. I was so worried that her Halloween decorations would have been blown away and ruined from the storm so I didn't want to go up to see her until after the holiday clean-up. I couldn't wait however, so the day after Halloween, I went up to the cemetery to visit with her. As I walked to her grave, I saw that ALL of her decorations were still there and  none were ruined from the water! Amazing! I was so so happy! I collected them all so that we would have them, some to put in her memory box, others to save for next year. I placed fresh flowers on her grave and felt such peace. There were little Halloween toys that another angel mama had put on Clara's grave! So great that Clara was thought about! I know some of the angel mama's now!!! I have been thinking of them since we buried Clara, and now I know some! I met them through my support group, and I was so happy to find out that their babies were buried next to Clara! We had left Trick or Treat bags on the angel babies graves that we know when we decorated Clara's grave. It meant so much to those families to know that their babies were thought about too. Nathan and Isabel think it's pretty neat that we "know" some of the babies that are laying with Clara. It was starting to get dark so I knew that I couldn't stay for long, but it felt so inviting to just stay. I looked around at the cemetery and it felt so alive. There were many decorations on the graves for Halloween and for fall, and in the dusk, all of the colors were a bit muted, so everything seemed quiet and peaceful. I walked around a bit just enjoying the quietness. I thought that this was the perfect place for my baby to lie forever. It is so sad to have my daughter laying in that ground, but I also felt some peace about it because I know that she was laying in a place that felt so perfect. I can't put into words how welcoming the cemetery was that night. I really really didn't want to leave, but I knew that they would be locking the gates soon because it was almost dark, so I had to force myself to leave, but I could have easily slept there that night.



The cutest decorated grave in the cemetery!



Brother decorating his sisters' grave.



Belle's letters to Clara.

 
People always tell me how strong I am, and how well I'm doing in dealing with Clara's death. Sometimes people don't think about the fact that every day I have to deal with Clara's death and it's definitely an uphill battle, so they say hurtful things. Sometimes I just wish that for a moment, others could understand my pain, and know that it's not something to get over or something that will ever go away. I am torn apart by her dying and I know that neither my heart nor my mind will ever be the same. I am in the place that I am today because of my support groups, seeing my counselor, and talking with those that will listen. These are things that I know that I am no where near ready to stop. I definitely have a lot of help to be able to function as I do. There are times when I feel almost normal, and other times that I have no choice except to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is okay even though my heart is crying.

Here are a couple of poems that I read that I really like:

Ask My Mom How She Is
My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say"I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how she is
She seems to cope so well,
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken
She'll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say,
"You're lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you told!"

Author Unknown

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I Hear Each Tear Fall On Her Face

My mom doesn't know
I'm watching her
But I'm watching her just the same
and I hear each tear fall on her face
at the very mention of my name.

She says it sounds like
music to her ears
and can be heard over a crowd
Oh, I hear each tear fall on her face
when my name is said aloud.

I watch her stumble through each day
as she wishes the day would end
and I hear each tear fall on her face
as she talks of me with her friends.

But there are few
who truly understand
oh this I've heard her proclaim
and I hear each tear fall on her face
Will my mom ever be the same?

I know her smiles light up the sky
but I don't see that smile today
oh but I hear each tear
fall on her face
Her blue skies have turned to gray.

Oh I send to her my warmest hug
with the rays of morning sun
then, I won't hear a tear on her face
for I shall erase them one by one.

Yes, my mom doesn't know I'm watching her
but I'm watching just the same
and if I hear a tear fall on her face
I'll softly whisper her name.

Author: Kaye Des'Ormeaux

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Music, poems, talking to others that know how this feels, talking with anyone who will listen. These are the things that help so much. The biggest fear of an angel mom is that their baby will be forgotten, that their baby doesn't matter to anyone else but them. To have someone say their name, or to remember a special date, means everything to an angel mom, because even though we might have Earth children to hold and to love, we cannot hold that dear child that is also always in our hearts. Our Earth children bring us joy and happiness and are able to make their own mark on this world, while our Angel child is always in our hearts, but never in our arms, but ours just the same.