Something that I've noticed as more time has passed since we said goodbye to our little Clara, is that most people don't really know what to say. I think people are afraid they will make me sad, say the wrong thing, or don't want to remind me of what happened if they say anything about Clara. The problem is, is that I am always sad, I am always thinking of my daughter and I can never forget what happened, and although there is the wrong thing to say, just an I'm sorry, or I'm thinking of you, or how are you? is sufficient enough to let me know you care. You don't have to try to fix me because there is nothing to fix. Nothing can be changed. But knowing people do care means a lot and to have them remember means a lot. The silence is what is the worst because I don't know if people do care about her or me or just don't know what to say. Although Clara's death doesn't affect most people's day to day life, it does affect mine and my family's and we are always missing her. She will always be a part of our lives and we will always have a special place in our hearts for her. We love her so very much and wish every day that she was here with us.
Clara is never far from my thoughts. She passes through my mind a million times a day and I still miss her so terribly much. Tomorrow it will be 2 months since she was born. In some ways it seems like a lifetime ago, and in others, it was just a moment ago. I got her pictures back a little over a week ago and oh my, how I love them and how I miss her. She was so utterly beautiful and sweet-hearted. I miss feeling her kick in me, and roll and stretch out. She was always cuddling against my organs and although it hurt at the time, I would go through all that again just to feel her move one more time. I would have given my life for hers and still would in a heartbeat. In a way, that was almost what I expected. I was so scared of my heart and what would happen, and my only goal was to get her to the point of viability before something bad happened so that she would have a chance. Once she reached viability, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. If for whatever reason it got too hard for me to carry her, they could take her out and she would stand a chance. As the weeks went by, I became more and more relaxed. I knew my baby was going to make it! We had come so far! But then she died on me. I fought so hard to keep her safe and she died anyway. It really goes against every instinct that a good mother has. A mother is supposed to protect their child. Keep them safe. Happy. Alive. I couldn't do any of that for her. In a big way I feel like I failed her and I let her down, and Ken, and Nathan, and Isabel, and even myself. I know that I didn't intentionally kill her, and I usually know that I didn't accidentally kill her, but I still have my doubts and my what ifs. There is this great need in me to hold her and kiss her and tell her everything will be okay, but I can never do that and it makes me feel lost. I just want my lost child back.
There are moments that I get panicked because Clara died. The idea of going the rest of my life without her in my arms can get overwhelming. I just have to take deep breaths and let the panic pass. The pain isn't as raw as it was at first. It seems to have absorbed more and although is a part of the new me, I can still function and am finding myself again. I know that the pain will never go away and I will always carry the loss of Clara with me, but I hope to one day be able to just carry Clara with me and not feel so sad. I made a video of her from the beginning of her life until the end and I love watching it. It makes me feel closer to her and I feel like a piece of her was returned to me when I look at her pictures. I think Bella feels the same way. She will watch the video a lot too. Sometimes, she will put it on my phone and go into her room and cry for her sister, and others she will watch it and smile. Nathan and Ken are different. It makes them too sad to watch it. Nathan has watched it and will smile at different pictures, but it's still hard for him I think. Both of the kids are talking more about Clara. Bella always has, but Nathan is opening up more too. He said he was really looking forward to her and wanted to show her how to swing an ax. He wanted to make her laugh and take care of her. My little nurturing boy.
Things are getting better and easier in some ways. Part of the cloud has lifted and things seem more clear now. I am filled with anger and sadness and sometimes I feel empowered in a way because of those feelings and I feel like I can do anything. I also feel the need to make big changes, although I'm not going to jump into anything right now because I want to make good big changes. We'll see what life brings us and what we can make happen. There are also the downs. It is still a rollercoaster but not as bumpy. I can't predict from one day to the next how I will feel, or one moment to the next. One second I feel strong and able to handle anything, and then I feel like I can't take one more thing or one more second of feeling bad. One day.
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