April is Over

When I found out that I was pregnant with Clara, I was so excited. I cried when I saw that positive pregnancy test. Ken and I had only tried in July and we were surprised and happy that it happened the first month that we tried. I was also very nervous. I kept reassuring myself and telling myself that no matter what, today, I AM pregnant. As time went on, I relaxed more and after we passed the 1st trimester I no longer worried about miscarrying. I was anxious to get to 20 weeks though, so that she would count as a person if she died, and then 24 weeks, so that she was viable in case she had to be born. Never did I imagine that at 7 months pregnant, my baby would die. I thought we were in the clear and that she would live. But in the back of my mind, I was always worried. Pregnant women do worry throughout their pregnancies, but this was something else. Some part of me knew that something would happen to Clara. Whether my body knew that something was amiss, or my subconscious could sense it, I knew that Clara was not going to be with us long. I never really dreamed of Clara. I hold a lot of meaning towards certain dreams. I was never too worried when I was pregnant with Nathan, but when I was pregnant with Isabel, I worried that she would be born early, and at around 27 weeks, I dreamt of this little dark haired perfect baby girl, and she was laying on a Lily. She told me that she was fine and that I didn't need to worry. After that dream, I no longer worried about her as much and she arrived full-term, healthy, head full of dark hair, and in May. May's flower is the Lily of the Valley but I didn't know that until she was born. With Clara, I never really dreamt of her. I dreamt that I got a positive pregnancy test before I found out I was pregnant with her, so I tested the next day and sure enough, positive. I dreamt of her before my first appointment with my doctor at 8 weeks and she was perfectly formed in my stomach and I saw her mouth and it was perfect. I had my first ultrasound that day, and I wasn't too nervous because of my dream. I saw her on that screen and I got teary eyed seeing my little baby with a tiny little heart beating away. After that, I never dreamt of her. I felt blocked from her. That made me worry. If I needed reassurance about something, I would get it through a dream. I wasn't getting that with Clara. When we found out that she was struggling, I still didn't dream of her. That really scared me. I think that's partly why I wasn't so shocked when they told me she had died.

I don't believe in signs anymore. Not even dream signs. And even if signs exist, what good do they do. They can't change anything so there really is no point to them. Just something to make people feel like they have some control over their lives. Clara's birth was such a twisted experience. So close to the real happy thing, but dark sharp edges instead of happy ones. Even the smells of the hospital meant happiness, but now, they mean death and the ultimate heartbreak. I hate it that death and everything dead has become what is normal in regards to Clara. About a week ago, I was minding my own business and I had a sudden flash of memory, seeing Clara on the ultrasound when I found out she was dead. Seeing her in my mind again. During that ultrasound, it looked like she was facing down, and I saw her skull and top of her back and she was so still. I knew right away. When that memory went through my head, I freaked out. I didn't want that to have happened. I get so anxious about all things Clara. It sucks. But, other times, I do feel peace about her too. It's only been 3 1/2 months and I have to remember that. Right after Clara died, time FLEW! I couldn't believe how fast it was passing. Now, it seems to have come to an almost stop. I keep saying it's been 3 1/2 months, but I feel like I've been saying that for forever.

In some ways, it's worse now than when Clara was first born. I don't feel sad all of the time anymore, but I don't feel happy either. When the sadness comes, it's like a sledgehammer slamming into me. It comes unexpectedly and I am unprepared for the pain. There are some things that trigger it; babies, hearing about babies, thinking about babies, experiences I had with Clara. And there are other times when there is no trigger. Out of the blue, my heart shatters again and there is nothing I can do to stop it. It's like fighting a war within myself and I don't know if I'm winning or not or when it's going to end. It leaves me shaken and tired. I don't even have the strength to try to fight it at times, but our minds have a defense for that too, which is good. I'm tired of being the mommy of a dead baby. I'm tired of feeling this pain. I'm tired of my family having to suffer through this. I don't know how it will affect the kids and their lives. I don't know what the future will bring for our family. Even day to day stressors are impossible to deal with at times. I have no patience for them and want little to do with them. But as they say, life goes on and it's pushing me along with it no matter how much I resist or how much I want to just wallow. I feel like someday, someone is going to bring Clara back to me. I think that they will just show up on my doorstep with my living, happy baby in their arms and hand her to me. I won't care about the time I missed with her. I will just love that I get her back. I know that can't ever happen, but it sure would be nice!

I've started waking up at night again. I started that after Clara's bad ultrasound and it's only been about a month since I stopped doing that and got to bed at a reasonable hour. I don't know why I wake up, but I'm wide awake and can't go back to sleep for awhile. I think of Clara. I think of losing her and I try not to think of what she went through. That makes me feel sick to think that she was suffering or in pain. It kills me to think that she had this silent battle going on and I didn't even know. I don't understand how I could not have known. She was connected to me, we shared one body. Isabel hurt her thumb and when she told me that she hurt it, she said it's like Clara. I asked her what she meant because it didn't make sense, and she said again that it's like Clara. I told her I didn't understand. She said it's pain, like Clara felt. Ahhhh. I see. The kids think of her too and think about what she might have gone through. They worry that she suffered and hurt. I have reassured them that she didn't suffer and didn't feel pain. When Bella told me this, I told her that Clara didn't feel pain or suffer. I told her that Clara just drifted off and that one moment she was in me, and the next, the angels came and carried her to Heaven, safe in their arms. She smiled at that and gave me a big hug. She obviously liked that! I, of course, started crying. I always do when I talk to the kids about Clara. I know I need to stop so that they feel free to talk about her with me. They don't like to see me sad, but I think I've done a good enough job so that they know that it's ok if we talk about her and I cry. I can talk all day about Clara and not cry, but when it comes to the kids, I can't help it. They are at such a more personal, intimate level than anybody else. I've also noticed that Isabel is usually tearful, whiny, and argumentative until we are all home together. We are home for about an hour before Ken gets home, and she does a complete 180' once he gets home. She will be all smiles and full of energy. Nathan is doing pretty well. I think he's just old enough to have a better understanding of things so he seems more stable with his feelings about our life right now.

I still don't really do anything. I go to work and I come home. I have no desire to do anything or go anywhere. I do do errands and things like that. Family events and get-togethers are hard. I'm sure the holidays will be too. I think of holidays and I dread them. They make me even more aware that Clara is gone and I know that someone very important is missing from the occasion. I don't want to celebrate anything or go out in social settings. I don't get excited for anything, just pretty monotone usually. Every once in awhile, I can feel my old self flare up inside and I will become animated again, but then that passes and I go back into myself. Maybe someday that will come back. I used to be a bright red, and now, I'm like a dull, lackluster red. I have heard that it takes a good 6 months to really start to feel normal.

April is now over. It has been a hard month because Clara was due at the beginning of April. I folded down the month on my calendar at work so I didn't have to see the word April. I didn't want to see it all of the time. It is now May and one more step further on this journey. As they say, April showers bring May flowers. Hopefully, May and beyond will be brighter and bring us some joy.