I had my post partum Dr. appointment today and it went well. I was dreading it yesterday, but today I wasn't. It was good to see my nurse and my Dr. again. I've lost 1/2 of the weight that I gained during my pregnancy, so that's nice! I can fit into my old pants and old clothes again so that's nice too. Yay me, or yay to my body.
At my appointment, we talked about a lot of possibilities. We will never know exactly what happened to Clara, but we have been able to rule out some things which is nice. There were things that we talked about that we have talked about before, but it was good to go over, in person, everything we have discussed. My Dr. said that upon examining Clara after she was born, her size was definitely that of a 23 week baby. We know she was almost 28 weeks, so that's why we wonder what happened to cause her to be so small. My Dr. said if it was the cord around her neck that was decreasing the blood she was getting, that would have killed her before 5 weeks. That's a small amount of comfort knowing Clara most likely didn't starve to death. A possibility that my Dr. said she didn't think to test for at the time because she was thinking it would be a genetic issue is a virus. There are some viruses that will be silent in the mother but attack the baby. This could have happened to Clara. We didn't test for it so we don't know, but it's a possibility. It would make sense. Clara always measured perfectly on her ultrasounds before and was active and strong, and then it changed suddenly with her movements and activity, and then she stopped growing or slowed her growing considerably sometime after her 20 week ultrasound. My Dr. said if they had tested for a virus before she died, it wouldn't have changed the outcome because it was already too late if that was the case. My Dr. also thinks that even if they had delivered her after that bad ultrasound that Clara wouldn't have made it because of her size. Size, she was on the cusp of viability and although age is more important than size, size matters too. Especially if Clara was sick. My Dr. said maybe Clara just wasn't destined to be here long. I would rather she died safe and warm in me, then be born and be poked and struggle and then die. It's some consolation if she was going to die anyway. My Dr. is still going to talk to the perinatologist that did Clara's ultrasound after the bad ultrasound when she gets back on rotation and look over her notes just to get her opinion. I love it that my Dr. is trying so hard to find us any possible answer. She said to wait 6 months before we try again to let my body heal, and then if we want to, we can. We don't know if we want to then, later, or ever, but at least we have a time if we did.
Nathan and Isabel are doing well. They still make comments sometimes and love looking at pictures of Clara, but they are moving forward. Nathan told us a few days ago that he doesn't feel as sad anymore. That's good! Nathan started an after school program today where he gets to design and build models and machines with legos, motors, and battery packs. He is so excited and I think it's a great thing for him to do and just be a kid. Bella said that she wishes she had a living sister, and that when her little 2 yr old girl cousin came over to play, she pretended that she was her little sister. She's dealing with it well, and I think she understands her pain and loss quite well.
Ken and I are dealing with it. I still have a hard time not feeling guilty if I feel good. I feel in a way that I am betraying Clara if I don't feel sad all of the time. It's very confusing and hard. Logically, I know that it is perfectly fine and OK to feel good. My heart says something different though. That seems to be the case in almost everything I feel. Logically, I can spout off exactly what should be occurring and what steps to take if it seems that things aren't going well or in the right direction. I know it will get easier. I know all of this intellectually, and sometimes I can practice that. But more often than not now, my heart leads the way in how I am feeling and how I am responding to different things. I feel like the entire core of who I was was forced to move and everything shifted from where it was. I am not the same and never will be again. That isn't bad, big events that happen in our lives do change us. It just feels like it was an unwilling shift so it makes it harder to learn about the new me. I have never been overly emotional except when it comes to my kids. I've been called cold and unemotional many different times, I actually preferred to be thought of that way. I keep my emotions very close to me and hidden away. I don't like crying and will do almost anything to avoid that, although I have been very unsuccessful the last 3 weeks. I am usually very good at keeping my emotions and feelings to myself and not letting them out unless I want a specific thing to be shown. Now, I can't seem to do that and it's very frustrating. And although I think my daughter deserves to be shown emotion over, I have a hard time dealing with all of the emotions that come with losing your child and I keep trying to bind them back up to slowly deal with them, but they keep getting loose and everything I worked so hard to do is unraveling. I keep scrambling to stuff these emotions back in and getting more and more emotional because I can't do it. I never have good dreams about Clara. Only bad ones. A few nights ago in my dream, I was panicked because I didn't believe that the funeral director actually buried Clara. I was at her grave and I was on my hands and knees digging up her grave until I could see her casket and then see her. I dream about her with her cord around her neck. I just want good dreams of my baby, not bad ones.
Ken is doing well enough considering the situation and I feel really bad that he has to do so much because I can't. I hate that I am a burden to him. I hate that he feels like he has to take care of me. I hate that I'm not there to support him as I should be as his wife. I hate that Clara died, and he has to go through that pain. I just want to tell him all day long that I'm sorry, so very very sorry for everything. And none of that helps. It doesn't matter how sorry you are, it doesn't change anything. He's a great guy and is so good in a crisis. I know he has his own emotions he is dealing with and I think he's doing very well dealing with them. I want to be there to support him and although I do to a certain extent, I know it's not where it should be. I think he can overcome anything and is such an awesome person.
I don't know when it's supposed to get easier. There are good days and bad days. The good is definitely better everyday it seems. Some things are easier. I can go do stupid errands and not freak out anymore, I can focus better and my mind is clearer. It's good to know I haven't lost too many brain cells! Day to day life is getting back into a nice rhythm. We're doing all the normal things like homework, chores, dinner, playdates, all that fun stuff. I haven't gone back to work yet, but will in the next little bit. Not sure exactly when though. I'm going to start studying for my GRE again. I pulled all of my study materials out and will develop a plan to study for that.
On Sunday, we went to the cemetary for the first time since Clara's funeral and it was really nice. We weren't there for long, but a decent time. We looked at her little grave and were just quiet. The kids played in the wonderful climbing tree close to her grave. Ken and I said that they would get very good at climbing in that tree :) She doesn't have her headstone yet, but we are hoping to get it soon. It will be nice to see her name written and her birthdate when we visit her. We've thought a bit about the design and we want a little dragon on it for sure. She was always our little "Toothless" and Ken's little dragon. She was my little butterfly, and Jesse's little bird. I'm sure she was a lot to a lot of people, I just don't know the others.
My song today is My Heart is Broken by Evanescence. I figure I will post what song I am relating to the most at a specific time and see how it changes!
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