Getting Started

It always seems that getting started is the hardest part. Getting started on a project, getting started on a chore, getting started writing something, and even getting started on the road to healing after your loss. It can be so difficult finding the right way to deal with losing someone you love with your whole heart. You want to do it in a healthy way, but unhealthy thoughts can fill your head, and then you worry that you aren't handling it well and that just makes everything harder.

Yesterday was the first day that I actually felt some peace in my heart since losing Clara. I actually felt good for a lot of the day and it was nice to feel that way again. I think I am actually starting to believe that life will be good again and we will be able to be genuinely happy. Jesse was right when he said healing might be something you just have to let happen. I also had a good dream about Clara for the first time a couple of nights ago. I saw her as I always see her when I don't feel so sad about her, as a 3-4 year old little girl with long dark hair and fair skin. We had had another baby, and it was a baby boy. He was young and just learning to walk and Clara was there, but not really there. It's hard to explain, she was both there and not. Anyways, he was learning to walk and she was behind him smiling and laughing and holding him up under his arms to show him how and keep him safe. He was in very good hands with her. It was nice to finally dream of her in a positive way, and not in the traumatic way so much of my time with her was.

Some people say that they can imagine what it feels like to lose their child. I think that if you haven't lost your child, there is no way you can imagine it. I thought I could before Clara died. The thought of losing Nathan, Isabel, or Clara was shattering and terrifying. I would hear of a child that lost their life and feel almost sick to my stomach thinking of it happening to me. The actuality of losing your child is so much worse. I know that Clara never got to take a breath or cry or open her eyes, but she was still my child and she is still gone. When I miscarried in October of 2010, that really hurt. I cried for days and had nightmares for months. I didn't feel like I actually had fully gotten over it until I got pregnant with Clara. Now, I don't know. I think there will always be a Clara hole in my heart, and even getting pregnant with another baby, if that happens, won't fully heal my heart. I will always miss her and always think about her. Right now, it feels like a betrayal to Clara if I can carry a different baby to term and alive, which is something I couldn't do for her. I don't know what happened. I don't know if her death could have been prevented. All I know is that she really got ripped off in the whole life department. I think about her a hundred times a day and just want to look at her and hold her again.

I had so much invested in her. I had envisioned her playing with Nathan and Isabel, I knew how much they would adore her and how spoiled she would be because she would have 2 doting parents and 2 doting siblings. Nathan wanted to read to her and teach her how to play legos, Bella wanted to show her how to be a princess and how to wear her jewelry. The kids always argued about where Clara would sleep. They both wanted her in their rooms and told us that they were willing to take care of her if she cried. I look at the princess dresses and the princess shoes that we out away for Clara and I get so sad that she will never wear them or get to pretend to be anything. Sure, she will never feel pain or heartbreak, but she will never DO anything either. She will never go to her first day of kindergarten, get excited for her birthday or Christmas, have her first crush, see the beauty of the world, get married, have her own babies. Sometimes, the pain of her loss is so overwhelming and physically hurts. My stomach will get all knotted and I just want to put my hands over it and curl up. It's the same place that I feel my great love for Ken and the kids as I feel my love and loss for Clara. Or every physical step hurts and I have to force myself even to do that. Other times I panic and feel like the pain will never end. It comes out of nowhere. Something silly can trigger it or nothing at all. I never know when it will happen, I just know that it will.

You hear about the stages of grief, and at the hospital, the nurses talked to us about what to expect and we got plenty of paperwork. One thing I didn't count on was the disbelief or denial stage. I could never deny that Clara died, no matter how much I wanted to, that was the reality. I thought that was one stage that wouldn't happen. The trouble is, it did happen! It was actually a little funny to realize that I was in disbelief or denied that it happened though because the whole situation screamed otherwise. I wasn't even the one that realized that is what I was doing, my sister did! I was talking to her about how right after Clara was born, I thought, "ok, she's out now. They can try to save her". I think I posted that earlier in my blog. But, I've also panicked that maybe she really wasn't dead. Even though the proof was there, but maybe she wasn't dead. They never actually checked. She was soft and warm. She wasn't scary looking. Sure she didn't cry, but she wasn't stiff and cold like I had imagined. I know she had died already and she couldn't be saved, but sometimes I still think that.

Clara was conceived, intentionally, while we were on vacation. I was pretty sure that I was pregnant and was so hoping I was. I was being very careful even on our trip about what I ate and what I did. I wanted to make sure that everything would go well. I only spent a little time in the ocean because I was worried the salt content would do something to her, I avoided certain rides or attractions at Disney or Sea World. I did what I could from the beginning to ensure a healthy baby. I didn't smoke, drink caffeine, be around anything bad. It still didn't work, but something my Dr. said that has helped is that at least those are things I don't have to feel guilty about. I tried my best to give my baby the best environment possible. And I did. I just wanted her to be healthy and strong. She fought so hard to live. We didn't know that she had been struggling for weeks until the end. Sure, there were signs I had noticed, decreased fetal movement being the top one, but I didn't know she was having a hard time or I would have done even more to help her. She just couldn't keep fighting anymore and had to let go. I understand and don't blame her for it.

Ok, I have 2 songs at the moment. One is inspirational and uplifting while the other is kind of depressing. Which is exactly how this works. I feel strong enough now, although sometimes I hate having to be so strong, to want to listen to positive songs which is a huge improvement!

You are Loved by Josh Groban and The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel.