Cause of Death

Last Thursday, my Dr. called me because she had spoken with the perinatologist who did Clara's last ultrasound. They had gone over that ultrasound and compared notes, and my Dr. had gone over my previous ultrasounds again and the results from all of the testing we had done after Clara died, and they came to the conclusion that the official reason that Clara died was due to a cord accident. Which means that she died because the cord was around her neck too tight and she couldn't get the blood and oxygen that she needed. That's what we thought at first, so we have come full circle. Cord accidents are pretty rare and there is not much you can do about it. If it's seen as a problem and the baby is old enough to survive outside its mother, they can deliver, but that's it. As we've said before, Clara looked good during that last ultrasound. Her heart was strong, her blood pressure was great, the blood flow to her was great. Nothing screamed take this baby out now! I wish I could rewind life and make them take her out and give her a chance, but I cannot. I felt her roll over a couple of days after that ultrasound. I wonder if that was when the cord started getting too tight around her neck.

For her being so small, we will never know why. Some babies are just small and most don't die from being small. What caused her to be small, I don't know. The Dr. thinks that maybe a virus attacked her, but we won't ever know for sure, maybe she was just small. I try to think of what happened around that time when she stopped growing. I can think of lots of things that happened but can't pinpoint a definite reason. I know we'll never know, but that doesn't stop me from trying to understand why. I keep thinking of the scene in Steel Magnolias where the mom breaks down after the daughters funeral and screams that she wants to know why! Why her daughter died! She just wants to know why. I totally understand that feeling! I do want to know why, and there is no answer. I am so mad that she died and all I want is to have her back. I miss her everyday and it hurts so incredibly bad, and I try to keep busy so I don't think about her constantly, but thoughts of Clara always come. Especially at night when everything is quiet and everyone is asleep. I still remember how she felt in my arms. I don't want to hold another baby because the last baby in my arms was mine, and I'm afraid if I hold another baby, I will forget what it felt like to hold MY baby. Ken and I feel so ripped off and I feel so bad that Clara got so ripped off.

When I miscarried, I was strong. I put on a brave face. I shared an office with a pregnant girl. Another girl brought her newborn in shortly after I miscarried and I congratulated the new mama and saw the new baby. My sister delivered her baby 2 months to the day after I miscarried and I went to the hospital when she was born. It tore my heart out, but I did it. I did all of it! I already did my time, and now I have to do it again and it's a thousand times worse! I was supposed to be happy this time. I was supposed to be holding my healthy baby girl. It was supposed to be my time. Her due date even meant rebirth, hope, life! Everything was supposed to work out this time and it didn't. Now, I have to be strong again and it takes every ounce of strength I have to make it through each day. Just as the birth of your child changes you, the death of your child changes you. Although I think it changes you faster. I know I have changed. Not for the better or for the worse, just different. So many things I used to think I think differently about now. I can't even really explain it, but so many things are different. I am very very angry, but I was angry before, it's just closer to the surface now. I don't care about a lot of the things I used to care about. Not in goals I have or anything like that, just some things don't seem as important anymore. I worry more about my kids and my husband. Bella hit her head really hard and got a big goose egg on it and it took everything to keep from completely freaking out. I still freaked out and went all cold, and Ken said that I was almost in tears, but I did hold it together. I try not to let my worry for my family get in the way too much, but it just adds to all of the stress. I'm not at all happy. I hope to be again someday, but I'm not right now. I met with a counselor and I think it will help. She said that a lot of what I am feeling is normal, and the ways in which I am coping is ok from what I told her about my life, so at least I don't have to worry that I'm losing my mind.

Nathan and Isabel are doing well. Nathan doesn't like to talk about Clara much and that is fine. He doesn't mind listening when we talk about her though, and he always looks at me waiting for me to cry as I do when I talk about her. He did talk about seeing Clara though. He remembers her little face and how tiny she was and her little toes the most. He started talking about when we were getting pictures of Clara and with Clara and different things we did. He remembers me holding her, pictures with me, Clara, and Ken, pictures with me, Clara, and Nathan, and me, Clara, and Isabel, and us as a whole family. Wow! I have no memory of that at all! I wish I could remember, but I love hearing from people who were there and what they remember because it helps me to get a better image of that time. Nathan loves her. How he talks about her it's obvious that he loves her and misses her. Grief with children changes as they grow older. It's a continuing process with kids, but we'll make sure that they are doing ok. They each have their special Clara shrines in their rooms. Some I would have had no idea they represented Clara some way unless they had told me! Isabel also very much loves and misses her little sister. She is more vocal about her feelings and more likely to cry about Clara. Things remind her of Clara, and she talks about it. She draws pictures of the 5 of us and writes letters about and to Clara. She has said things like, "I guess Clara won't be using the things we picked out for her", and she asked why Clara couldn't be saved. It's hard knowing that my children are suffering but I am glad that they love Clara so much that they feel the loss of her. Ken is doing well too. He misses her as much as I do and gets sad thinking about her. I was cleaning out our closet and pulling things out, and I pulled out 3 little dresses that were Bella's. I was saving them for Clara. Well, he saw them and it made him very sad because he knew why I had them, who they were for, and that she would never wear them. It's all the what will never be's. Doing family things are really hard for me because there is someone missing and someone who will always be missing. Even going to the grocery store was hard because we do that as a family. I'm hoping that this gets better because right now, I don't want to do anything like that.

I try very hard not to think about how far along I should be at any given day. It just hurts and there is no point. I am not looking forward to my due date at all and I'm getting more anxious about it as it grows closer, only a little more than a month away! I know it will be a very sad and hard day. I am hoping that after that date, things really start looking up though. As I think about it now, it will. The date is symbolic and after that date, I shouldn't be pregnant anyway, so that part might get easier. We shall see!