Of all the words in the title of this post, I don't know which one to pick to describe my feelings about this post, maybe it is all of them.
There is that awful saying that everything happens for a reason. But what is the reason for any baby dying? For my baby dying? An idea has come together over the last few months while I've been talking to people about Clara and why she died, and thinking of why she died. A beautiful and amazingly altruistic idea. I don't even know if I can put it correctly into words, but we will see.
When I first went back to work after Clara died, one of my co-workers told me how sorry she was and that she didn't know what I believed, but she believed that because Clara was so perfect, she didn't even have to be born to do what she needed to do in this life. At the time, it didn't give me comfort because I was still having a hard time even believing what had happened, but I kept it in my mind. Every so often, I would think of what she said, and it began to feel more and more right. I recently spoke with my counselor about it and went on with my own ideas that I had been thinking of, and that had been said to me. Here's what I came to realize. I don't know if I would have ever found out about my heart defect if we had not planned on bringing Clara into this life. The only reason I went to have it checked again was because I wanted to have another baby and I wanted to make sure it was safe. My doctor said to go ahead and try, it should be safe because I've had 2 other kids, but let's do another test just to be sure. So, we tried, and I got pregnant right away, and then the test came back that there was something wrong. Something wrong enough that could kill me, and made my doctors surprised that I had done so much physically. But, if that was all of her purpose, why didn't she die before we knew about her? There must be more. It was scary to go through a pregnancy knowing that my heart was defective. I tried not to think of it much, but I still did. My goal was to get Clara to an age where she could survive outside of me if I couldn't support her anymore. I did that. She was old enough to live. Once she was old enough, I relaxed a lot. I didn't know that she was already struggling. I didn't know that this pregnancy was already doomed. All I knew was that my baby could live, and I would die for her to live. But, that's not what happened. She died on me. She left me. I delivered her and really found out how strong I was, and how strong my family was. Another lesson. Since we have let her go, and gone through hell without her, we have grown stronger and closer. For me, my defenses were all ripped away. It was horrible and traumatic and incredibly hard, but I became vulnerable and had to be more open because the emotions that came pouring out were more than I could handle on my own. I needed others, and I had to confront the feelings and emotions that were racing through my head. I had to be honest about those emotions and open to others to help with those emotions. It's definitely still a work in progress, but I can empathize with people now, and I've found that as I'm more honest with my emotions, I've been able to develop close emotional relationships with people. Amazing. It was Clara's sacrifice that changed everything. If she had died before we ever knew her, I would have still found out about my heart, and we would have been spared this grief, but we would have also missed out on a life-changing event. A chance to change who we are that is only given through great trauma, a great loss. And, even more, missed out on knowing a beautiful little girl.
When I had my post-partum check-up with my doctor, we talked a lot about possible causes. The part that relates to this post is something that my doctor said. After going through all of Clara's ultrasounds, pathology reports, amnio reports, having had examined her after her birth, my doctor said she couldn't tell us why Clara died, but by what she saw, or didn't see, maybe it was fate that my little girl wasn't here with us. Maybe she just wasn't destined to be here long. That was hard to hear when I just lost my baby, but once it has time to settle in, it made a certain kind of sense. So, maybe Clara had a decision to make. A choice to come to us and stay for such a short time, but to change everything, or a different choice, with a different outcome. Maybe, because of her great love for us, she chose to be here for a short time. Knowing that she would never get to feel the warmth of the sun, or to laugh at her brother or sister, or to get kisses from her mommy and daddy. But to touch us all in all the ways that she could not if she were physically here. She knew that our family would survive it. She knew that we would love her so much, that even when we had to let her little body go, we would still carry her with us in our hearts. I have hope, because of her, that we will meet again, and one day, our family will once again be together.
It's such a huge responsibility to think that she gave her life for me, and for the rest of us to learn from her death. In a way, I feel like I should live for her and for me, and then I ask myself, what should I do with my life if that's what I choose? I have so many ideas and they feel right. I am now much more of a complete person, even with my heart broken. I know that it might seem that this could just be reaching, trying to find something good in this horrible situation, but that's not how it feels. I do have faith in what my Clara did, and I fully intend to do something with that faith, because I am not meant to die yet.
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