Remembering Her

There are so few times that we get to publicly remember our little girl, so the times that we do, we cherish. October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, and events all over the country, and the world, are held in honor and remembrance of babies that have died. This year, we participated in a few! On October 13th, we attended a Walk of Remembrance and Hope. It was amazing! I had been looking forward to this walk since right after Clara died. I loved being around other families that have also experienced baby loss, people that truly know how I feel and what my family is going through. We also had my sister and her daughter, my grandma, and Ken's mom come to support us and to remember Clara. I was so touched that they came! The service was wonderful and the walk was beautiful. We also did a balloon release and a name reading. When your baby's name was read, you released your balloon to Heaven. So powerful!! The sky was filled with balloons and it was really emotional to see how many babies in this one venue, in one city, have died.

Releasing Clara's and Lydia's balloon to Heaven!

On October 14th, a wonderful group in another state, held a walk to remember their babies, and other people's babies. They remembered over 600 babies. Every name was written on a banner, and every name was added to a video that they made in remembrance. Clara was one of the babies remembered by this group. I was so incredibly touched that people that I don't even know took their time to remember MY baby. I have a few pictures of her name on the banner, and the video that shows her name.

Part of the banner

Close-up of Clara's name!

October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Candles were lit all over the world at 7 pm their time, in remembrance of babies that have died. Although I couldn't light a candle at 7 because I wasn't home, I thought of my Clara, and all of the other babies gone too soon. It was great to have a special time to remember my daughter, and to tell the world that I have a daughter that died, and I love her, miss her, and will always remember her.

October 13th was also Clara's 9 month angelversary. Wow. I was telling Ken that now, babies that were conceived after Clara died, would be being born. It's a very strange feeling to know that new babies are here that didn't even exist when Clara died. It's hard to even wrap my head around it. But now starts a new journey because that is just how it will be from now on.

I think of Clara in Heaven, and I always imagine her so happy. I think of her with Lydia, and with other family members that have died. Just recently, I thought of her with our other baby that died early in my pregnancy before Clara. Right before I miscarried that baby, I had a dream that I was miscarrying and that that baby was a girl, and since I knew from early on what gender all of my other kids were, that baby was a girl. I've never done anything to really remember that baby, it was early in my pregnancy, and although it DID hurt, losing Clara was infinitely worse. I still do think about that baby too though, and sometimes I feel guilty that I don't think of "her" more. I have my hospital bracelet from when I went to the hospital when I was miscarrying that baby, and my positive pregnancy test. I actually put those items in a separate bag inside Clara's memory box. I know that some people name their babies that they lost early on in their pregnancies, and that sometimes, counselors even recommend having women name these babies to help them handle their grief, but I just can't think about different names to name my other dead baby, so I will just call her Angel Baby. So, back to my point :) I now sometimes think of Clara with her other "big" sister. I think of Clara and her angel sister together and waiting for us to one day join them. I don't know when the soul enters the body. Is it immediately upon conception? Or at some specific point during pregnancy? Did that baby have a soul? But I do believe that that baby did have a soul, and if she did, then of course her soul would be in Heaven with Clara. It's very hard to imagine that baby, or what she would look like. But I can imagine them together, and with Lydia. Three little girls together. It's a nice feeling.

The holidays are coming........I don't know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm so sad that my baby isn't here with us to celebrate the holidays with us. We will do everything we can to remember her during these days. Like I said before, there is a difference to being an Earth parent, and an Angel parent. We do our best to be the best parents to all our children. I want to be, and am, excited for Taters and Bella for the holidays, kids LOVE THEM!!! I'm also sad for me, Ken, and for them. Every day the holidays, and her 1st birthday, are getting closer, and every day, a little more weight is added to my shoulders about it. For Halloween, Clara was going to be baby Snow White, and Bella was going to be big Snow White. We already have both costumes, because the baby Snow White was Belle's when she was a baby. Both costumes are hanging in Belle's closet. I was going to put the baby Snow White costume away, but Bella wants it in her room still. She's sad that they can't be Snow White together. Thanksgiving....what am I thankful for? A lot. My health, my families health, my children and wonderful husband. I'm also angry that my baby girl is dead. Christmas....last Christmas, we were already thinking of how this Christmas, Clara would be here! We talked about how last Christmas was our last Christmas with the 4 of us, and how we would be shopping for 3 little ones next Christmas. Well, that's not going to happen. I was thinking of her Christmas stocking that I would make her, just like the ones that I made for Nathan and Isabel. It would have the Sugar Plum Fairy on it, because that's who she's named after. We would watch the Nutcracker and point out the Fairy to her. I will still make her stocking, and we will still hang it up, and maybe we will watch the Nutcracker, but maybe we won't. Either way, she'll be our Christmas Angel. New Years.....Clara was born in 2012, and once we leave 2012 behind, it feels that we are another step further from her. Part of me doesn't want to leave her behind, or to move on without her, but time doesn't stop and we are constantly moving on without her. I'm also looking forward to 2013 because 13 is Clara's number, and I hope that 2013 will be filled with hope and wonderful things. Her birthday.....more than that. Her birthday signifies that we have passed every day in the year without her. We should be celebrating her 1st birthday, giving her her first taste of cake. We have plans on what we will be doing that day, and it will be a day about Clara, but God I wish this whole situation was different. I have some ideas on how to make the Holidays easier on all of us, and I hope it helps, but I also know that a part of us will be grieving for the baby that is not with us on Earth.

It's also hard right now because we have memories of her from this time last year. I got pregnant with her in July, and that started a time when Clara was here "this time last year", but not having her be here now. I know when she was conceived, when I got that beautiful pregnancy test. The 1st time that I heard her heart beating, and the 1st time that I saw her. When we told the kids that she was coming and how happy they were. Announcing her imminent arrival to our families and friends! Feeling her move for the 1st time, hearing her heartbeat on my home doppler for the 1st time. The kids and Ken feeling her move! Watching my belly grow. Learning her sleep/awake patterns, and what made her kick more, and how she likes me to rub my belly. Feeling her snuggle up next to my organs, ouch! Proudly showing off my pregnant belly, and having people know that I was pregnant! Watching baby/birth shows, and dreaming about when she was going to be here. Preparing for her birth, and getting ready to sign the kids up for Big Brother/Big Sister classes! And then it all ended. Suddenly and tragically. Every hope, dream, and fantasy we had about her was destroyed. A bit after finding out that she was a girl, I remember walking up the stairs and just being so excited that we got to do the whole girl thing all over again! I had wanted a boy at first, but after knowing she was a girl, I was thrilled! We would get to do the hair bows, and princesses, and fancy dresses again! And now, I wouldn't be able to because now she is our Angel Girl.

We will always remember and think of our Clara. Although the heartache is great, and sometimes overwhelming, I embrace it because it means that Clara mattered to us, and that we love her and miss her. I would do it all over again for her, and I wouldn't trade her or this pain. I am THANKFUL that Clara is mine. Although I can't be an Earth mother to her, I can, and will be, the best Angel mother to her that I can be!