Longing

A little bit ago, I had a dream about Clara. She was so tiny, much tinier than in real life, and she was dead, but she looked so alive. Her eyes opened and it wasn't scary, but beautiful. Her eyes were brown, just like the rest of us. I had been wondering about some of the things that we would always wonder about, and thought about her eye color, so because of this dream, I will say that she would have had beautiful brown eyes.

I had another dream about Clara after that. She was alive but I knew that she was going to die. I held her in my arms, and held her against my chest. I loved her and I didn't want her to die. I wanted her here with us. She grasped my hand with her tiny fingers, and I looked down at her and felt so much love for her. I would die for her if she could live. She looked so weak and fragile. I was able to feed her and that made her perk up a bit. She started to look better! Maybe she will live! I just kept looking at her thinking that she would die at any moment, but praying that she would live and be okay. I know I dreamt this because it's everything I couldn't do for her, but to the very depths of my soul wish that I could have. Hold her living in my arms. Watch her move. Feed her. Try to keep her alive.

I had another dream where I was pregnant with another baby. I hadn't felt that baby move for a day and I just held my stomach crying because I knew that I had lost that baby too. It was terrifying. Dreams take you to so many places that you wouldn't otherwise go. I don't know if these dreams that I've had help or not. In one way, it's nice to have moments with her that I couldn't have otherwise. They say that your mind can't tell the difference between a dream and reality, so maybe because of my dreams, I get to have some moments with her that I don't get in real life. On the other hand, once I wake up, it's hard to let go of her again, because even if my dreams of her aren't so happy, I am still with her and I am still holding her or looking at her or planning on her. I don't want it to be over. I would spend eternity in my dreams if it meant I could be with her. I feel like a part of my soul is always looking for her, wondering where she went and when we will meet again. Sometimes, I wish that I had died with her. It would have been so easy, I just had to not have woken up. My heart was broken, emotionally and physically, but it kept beating and sometimes I wonder how and I wonder why. It sounds incredibly selfish to say these things, especially because I have 2 other children that love me and need me here so much, and a husband that also loves and needs me, but these are thoughts that come, whether I want them to or not.

I always thought that my "light" would come back, but I'm starting to wonder if it will or if it's gone forever. Part of me died when Clara died. Part of me stopped when Clara's body stopped. It's like being in a painting and having a dull color painted over you. You don't have control over it, it just is, and you don't have any energy to stop the color being put on you either, you just don't care. I know there are times when I just shut down emotionally. I just go somewhere in my mind and am disconnected from my emotions and the emotions around me. It's a little scary because it's not something that I can prevent or turn on or off. I'm sure it's a defense mechanism, and it definitely does its job! This year was so traumatic with everything that we went through, with Clara, and with each other. We'll never get better or get over it. It's not something that you can get better from. It's not like one day, we're going to be just fine. Everyone can breath a huge sigh of relief because we're fine now! Thank you for all of your support and understanding! Your compassion and comfort! It was greatly needed during our time of need. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. For me, I am not fine. I am hurt and so very angry and unimaginably heartbroken. People think this will be over? It will never be over. No one can ever give me back what was taken from me. No one can ever make it better. I hate the whispers behind my back of, "that's the girl with the baby", and the understanding "oh" and nod. I pretend to ignore it. Maybe I should wear a sign that says, "Yes, I'm THAT girl with the dead baby. Any questions?" My anger is so strong at times, and I just want someone to say something rude, or push me when I'm walking on the street just so that I can yell at them and let out that hurt and anger. Take it out on them and make them feel as bad as I do. One little thing can anger me so much. I used to be able to control it much better, but not now. I feel it burning in me and I have no way to disperse it. Maybe one day.

I want my little girl. My little girl that we never got to know. What would be her favorite color? We say purple because that was the color we picked for her from before she was born, but what would she say? What would be her favorite song? Would she have loved to dance like her big sister, or be a little shy like her big brother? What would have made her laugh or cry? Would she have loved to snuggle with her mommy and daddy? I do miss her every day. Most of the time I feel very alone, and I know that grief is personal and whatnot, but it's hard not to feel completely alone. People don't want to hear about her or to talk about her. I have a couple of good friends at work who still let me talk about her, and that is really nice. I've found that the people that still listen to me talk about her are the people that I least expected. I've gotten closer to those people because of it and it's amazed me how much they care about me and my family when they had no reason or purpose to. It's also amazes me that they acknowledge Clara as a person, as a child that died. Not just as a baby that was never born. That part means so much to me.