Anger is the emotion that I feel the most today. It has come and gone in the past week, but today I am the most angry. I am angry that it was my baby that died. I am angry that my daughter doesn't even get the chance to live her life. I am angry for Nathan and Isabel that they don't get to hold their sister and grow up with her. I am angry for Ken and I that we have to carry her in our hearts and not in our arms.
Ken and I are awesome parents and would have given her so much and it's not fair. Oh, I know that life is not fair, it's a fact I have to repeatedly remind my children of, but damnit, life is really not fair. We had so many plans for her already, and had visions of how Nathan, Isabel, and Clara would grow up together. The thought of how Taters and Bella would make her laugh and smile, and laugh at her in return. We had packed away Bella's old clothes to save for Clara, and her many many Princess items that Clara would love when she got big enough. We had registered for her baby shower the Sunday before she died, picking out binkies, bedding, washclothes, and all the necessities that babies need. I was excited at the thought of having my little boy and my two little girls. It seemed that everything was going to be just perfect.
I have an angry song that I listen to, it's by Adele and called Set Fire to the Rain. Although I'm not even a fan of Adele, I really like this song. The beat, rhythm, words. It makes me feel better. Nathan and I have a great time listening to this song.
The crushing waves of sadness still come, but I am starting to believe that it really will be ok. We can laugh, and although it shocks me when I laugh, it's good to know I still can. I left my brain somewhere along this sad road, I can't remember or focus on anything, but I think I will find it again. Everything is so unsettled and it's hard to find my way sometimes, but I also think once I figure out how I fit into this new world, life will make more sense.
Nathan and Isabel seem to be doing so much better. They went back to school on Wednesday and although they both seemed apprehensive to go, Nathan being especially moody the night before and that morning, they both seemed relieved and happy when they came home from school. Ken and I got them some books on death, and one that we both really like is called Water Bugs and Dragonflies. It's a little story about water bugs watching their companions climb up the lily pad, but they never come back and the water bugs wonder where they went and why they didn't come back. One day, one of the water bugs finds himself climbing up the lily pad and falls asleep when he reaches the top. He wakes up and is now a dragonfly. He tries to go back into the water to tell his friends what happened, but finds that he cannot because he is now a dragonfly and not a water bug. He is happy and tells himself that he will share in the happiness with his friends when it is their time to become dragonflies. It's a very nice story about death, bodily change, and why people that die can't come back. We also got them each an activity book called What to do When Someone Special Dies. They were VERY excited about these. We have always had them do activity books and we talk a lot about feelings, so this was just perfect for them! They started working on their books right away and were so excited about them. I think that the books helped them tremendously. It gave them something solid to look through and helped to validate their feelings.
Nathan doesn't bring up Clara often, but that is Nathan's way. He has a picture of her little feet in his room and he set 3 pencil sharpeners around it and said that they were Clara's guards. He doesn't seem as angry as he has seemed, and that makes me feel better. Isabel asks to see my stomach sometimes, and gets sad when she sees how small it is. Hey, it makes me sad too! I'm not sure why she keeps asking to see my stomach, but I think she's making sure or reminding herself that Clara really isn't here anymore. Ken is doing well. It's hard on him still and he keeps his happy penguin with him. He put his other penguin in Clara's casket with her. He loves his little girl and misses her so very much. It's important for people to know that I'm not the only one that lost a daughter, Ken did every bit as much as me. Even though he didn't carry her in his body that was still his baby and he mourns her every bit as much as I do. He's such an amazing person. He has made me do day to day things and although I've gotten frustrated with him at times for forcing me to function, I'm glad that he has because it does make it easier. He is dealing with Clara's death as well as he can.
Fear also comes creeping up at different times. I have always been a worrier, but in some ways that has become worse. I worry more about Nathan and Isabel and their safety. I know that chances are good that they will be just fine and I still have to let them grow, but it scares me now more than ever that something will happen to one of them. I don't know how I could handle that.
I also fear that people will forget about Clara. I know as time goes on, people will put her to the back of their minds, and that's normal. I am just so afraid that she won't matter in people's thoughts and she deserves to be remembered and to matter. Her life was short but she had a life. I fear not feeling so sad anymore because right now, that sadness is how I know I love my daughter. I fear the day when I might not feel sad on that day at all, or even think of her. What does that mean? How could I not feel sad about my daughter dying? I hear that there comes a time when you can think about your child and not feel the sting of pain and I know that I will get there someday, but right now, that thought scares me. I know that Ken and I will never forget her.
I have stared and stared at her pictures that I do have to find who she looks like and which features I recognize. She had Bella's mouth, Nathan's nose, Ken's slant to her eyes, my hands and feet. It's good to have an idea who she looked like. I would have loved to watch her grow up and see how beautiful she became inside and out. When I think of her, I don't always think of her as a baby. What I see a lot is a little girl around 3 or 4 years old, with dark hair and fair skin. She just smiles and smiles and laughs a completely joyous laugh. It makes me smile to think of her so happy like that.
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