The What If's

Although I know that nothing will change what happened to Clara, the what if's still come. Do I actually think that something I did or didn't do killed my daughter? No. Do I worry that something I did or didn't do contributed to her death? Sometimes. I know her movements slowed and became weaker in the last 5 weeks of her life. I knew that could mean something was wrong, but I felt her just enough to not call my Dr. I was just hoping that she was turned weird in my stomach. At my 24 week appointment, things seemed to be on track. Her heartbeat was strong and I was measuring fine. She was still young and small. It wasn't unheard of to not feel her move all of the time. But, I knew that for HER, those movements were not as strong as they had been or as frequent. I used to be able to feel her all of the time with my hand and watch my stomach move. But, I hadn't been able to feel those movements or see them for weeks. So, the what if's. What if I had been more worried about her movements. What if I had talked to my Dr. more about my concerns or pushed for more tests. Would they have been able to save her? When we found out Clara was gone, my Dr. even said, "what if we had delivered her that last week? Would that have changed the outcome? We don't know". I think my Dr. feels bad, but I know that from how Clara looked on the ultrasound that day, she looked fine. From all we could tell, she would do better off in me. Looking at the last ultrasound picture we have of Clara, I can see the cord around her neck. And, I'm sure the Dr.'s knew it was there, but the blood flow looked good. I had brought up being worried about the cord to my Dr. before and she said, very rarely do cord accidents happen. Babies are born all the time with the cords around their necks, or even with knots. It usually means nothing. But sometimes it does happen. It happened to my baby at almost 28 weeks.

What if.

I have thought about everything I did and didn't do during my pregnancy with Clara. I was so very careful about what I ate, and what I touched. How I slept. I NEVER smoked with her. I quit before I was even pregnant. I was more careful with her then I was with Nathan or Isabel. But, what if I wasn't careful enough. I know her cord was around her neck, but she was so small. Something happened around the 23rd week. That's when she stopped growing, that's when her movements changed.

What if.

Stress. They know that the amount of cortisol in the mother's blood matches that in the amniotic fluid and that the mother's stress causes the baby to become stressed and that can definitely have negative impacts on the baby. I was so incredibly stressed for the majority of my pregnancy. It was one hit after another. I tried to make my body relax. I tried to eliminate anything that stressed me out. Obviously that wasn't enough.

What if.

What if we can't have more babies. We haven't really considered it yet. It's much too early for that, and besides, when we have talked about it, it's not another baby we want, but Clara. But, the fear is in both Ken and I. What if something is wrong with us and we CAN'T have more babies. We've lost 2 in a little over a year. One early and one late. And although our early loss really hurt, Clara's loss was so much worse.We both really thought that we would get to keep Clara.

So, what if.

One thing that I don't regret. I always loved Clara. I wanted her so much before she was ever conceived. I told Ken that if/when I found out I was pregnant, I would love that baby the moment I knew and would be excited for her. I knew I was pregnant with Clara before the test told me. I know when she was conceived. I know when her little egg implanted. I have known Clara from the beginning. I have loved her and wanted her every moment of her life. She spent her entire existence being loved and wanted, and not just by me. Her daddy, her brother, her sister. They all loved and love her too.

One thing Bella said a few days ago. She was thinking of her sister and she said, "Maybe God decided we were the wrong family for Clara and that's why she died". I knelt down and told her, "No Bella, God knew that Clara would only be here for a short time and knew that we would love her every moment. So, God gave Clara to us knowing that we would be the perfect family for her".

We love you baby girl!