Black

The first thing that I thought about when I woke up this morning was the song, "Paint it Black" by the Rolling Stones. It seemed to fit my mood and what I was thinking perfectly. I wasn't going to post today because I didn't see the point. I'm not in a very positive mood or even very willing to look on the bright side right now. There is no bright side. I think that everything would look much better black today. I decided to post for 2 reasons. First, this process isn't uplifting or full of hope and sunshine. It's mainly horribly sad and heartbreaking, filled with brief moments of almost normal living, but I realized that even if I didn't have anything positive to say, the negative should not be ignored. Second, Ken said this afternoon that we should listen to the song, "Paint it Black". Ha! I did have to laugh at that because we were both thinking the same thing, and after he said that I knew I had to post even in my black mood.

Yesterday was a very hard day. I was missing my little butterfly so very much. The REAL realization that I would never see her again in this lifetime hit me really hard. I have barely made it through this week, so how am I supposed to make it through my life? Sometimes I still forget that I am not pregnant with her anymore. I think I feel her little kicks, I put my hand on my stomach, I avoid certain foods that aren't safe while pregnant, then I remember. And every time I remember it just rips open the pain of her loss. I KNOW it gets better. I know this, but it doesn't help at this moment.

Ken and I went on a walk today and were talking about Clara. We talked about how although we are incredibly thankful for Taters and Bella, it doesn't mitigate the loss of Clara. We know we are fortunate to have 2 healthy children and thank God every day for them, we still wanted our Clara too, and to not have her here with us breaks our hearts. One does not negate the other. We also talked about how people say that everything happens for a reason, and well, maybe it does. But maybe it doesn't too. Things would make a lot more sense if nothing happened for a reason and that would sure explain why babies die and why children suffer.

I actually ventured out by myself today. I went to the gas station and to Subway to pick up lunch. I am having a really hard time functioning in normal society which is very not me. I am and always have been a very social creature, but now I have horrid social anxiety. At the gas station, I didn't have to talk to anybody, but I just stared at the pump for about 2 minutes. I didn't think maybe I should be doing something, or maybe I shouldn't just be standing here, I just stood there staring at the pump. Finally my brain kicked in and I realized I needed to actually DO something to get gas in my car. When I got to Subway, I dreaded going in and I just wanted it over with. I did go in and told the guy what I wanted. He was really nice, but he probably thought I was a very weird person. He would ask me a question and I would stare at him for a moment and then answer, and half of what I said to him didn't make any sense at all. Amazingly, I did walk out of there with 4 sandwiches that were what we had wanted! When I was driving back home, I had a minor panic attack from having to deal with a person. It's very disorienting to not know what is happening most of the time. Everything is so confusing. I don't want to be around anyone but my kids and Ken. At least we all know how we are all dealing with Clara's death, at least we don't have to put on a brave face for anyone while we are at home.

So, this is obviously not a happy post at all, but it is still an honest post. One more step in this whole "process".