Two Weeks

It's been 2 weeks since our little angel was born. Time is a very funny thing. On one hand, it feels like I was just holding her in my arms, on the other, it feels like an eternity since I have looked upon her or touched her. The pain of losing her isn't as raw as it was at first, it has become deeper, something that is always there, always hurting, but at times we can be genuinely happy about other things. It is still an emotional rollercoaster with the good being better than before, but the bad being harder than before. It seems as the more time that goes by, the harder it is to deal with her dying. I think it's because of how long it's been since I've seen her, in person, and I know that I will never be able to see her in person ever again. That's a long time. I miss her. I miss being pregnant with her. I miss feeling and watching her move. I miss my hopes for her future. I miss her.

I remember when I first saw her. Right when she was born, Ken asked me if I wanted to see her. I didn't want to yet. Not because I didn't want to, I wanted to more than anything, but because I knew that the placenta still needed to come out and that it would hurt, and I was already getting so tired, and I was afraid that I would drop her. But, I looked over at the bassinet and although I couldn't see her, I could see Ken looking at her and the nurses looking at her and I knew that she was beautiful and I knew it would be heartbreaking to see her. When I finally got to see her 3 hours after she was born, I knew I had already lost a lot of time with her. The nurse brought her over to me and gently placed her in my arms. I was so happy to finally see her after waiting months to do so. I remember the weight of her in my arms and I was surprised at that because she looked so tiny, but she had substance! I was worried that if I moved I would hurt her, so I held as still as possible. I stared into her tiny face and noticed her little mouth right away. It looked just like Bella's. Then I looked at her eyes and saw her beautiful long dark eyelashes. Her little features were so tiny but so perfect. Her hands and fingers were perfect, and she had the tiniest fingernails. I touched her hand and her fingers were so soft and little. I only could hold her for a short time because I started feeling sick because of the medicine from the surgery, and after that I was so drugged up that my remaining time with her is blurry. I remember the photographer getting there and taking pictures of her. I remember the kids coming in with Terri and Sarah. Clara was in the bassinet and as I waved and said hi to them, they could see my precious baby. Nathan and Isabel went right to her and oooh'd and aaah'd. I remember her getting baptized and Nathan pouring the water into the little shell and the pastor reciting the dialogue that we picked for her. I remember holding her again and the photographer taking pictures of our whole family, all 5 of us. The only pictures we will ever have of the 5 of us. I remember when it was time to finally say good-bye. The nurse put her in the bassinet to take her away and I asked to see her one more time. The nurse handed her to me again and I held her and tried to memorize everything about her. I finally gave her back to the nurse and watched her place Clara in the bassinet and wheel her out. I got 2 1/2 hours with my daughter. She was born at 5:04 pm, I saw her at 8:00 pm, and I let her go at 10:30 pm.

Holding Clara for the 1st time