Clear and Bright

When someone you love dies, I think it's pretty normal to think about what happens after you die. Where are they? Are they happy? Safe? Loved? Nothing? It's a hard thing to think about, but then, so are a lot of things. The transference of energy from one thing to another, or from one entity to something else entirely. So, Clara's energy, soul, what not. What happened to it? Did her energy just stop because her body did? From as far as we know, that's impossible. Energy never dies, just changes. Then did her energy go into me? Or the air? Universe? Does her energy know that she was once a beloved child? Or, did she become nothing? Did everything physical and not physical end when her heart stopped beating? And then, what is nothing? I can imagine her essence just stopping when her body shut down. Her becoming nothing but our love for her and our pain for her. Her entire being stopped and although her life was unbelievably short, it was just what it was. That was what happened to her. Everything she was supposed to be or could have been stopped when she died. I can imagine and believe that the only thing left of her is her little body in her grave. I can believe she is not in Heaven because there is no Heaven. And, I am ok with that. I don't need the fairy tale that she is now happy and free to make myself feel better. I am truly ok with her being nothing anymore. I thought a lot about that before we ever thought that she could die. For years I have thought of it. And because of that, I can freely believe that she IS happy and free in Heaven. It is way to involved to go into the details as to why I believe that, but it's enough that I do. I love my daughter and I miss her every single moment and will for the rest of my life, but when my life is over, I very much look forward to seeing her and holding her and talking to her. Getting to know her. And if I am wrong, then I become nothing right along with her and it no longer matters.

The pain of losing her has been horrible. After the shock of learning that she had died was over, and time went on, the horror and the trauma of the situation came out more. Oh my God. My baby died. Not only that, she strangled on her cord. All of the fear of delivering her, and the imaginings of what she would look like, how we would feel to see and hold our dead baby in our arms. The trauma right after her birth. The pain and loss of leaving our own child behind. Talking about and planning our baby's funeral. Seeing our little girl in a casket. Babies aren't supposed to die. The feelings that she was ripped away from us. We had no choice. We would have held onto her forever if we could have. Knowing there was nothing, absolutely nothing, we could do to breathe life back into her. How out of control everything became. Everything we had believed in our lives became irrelevant or altered. It's amazing that people survive this and more amazing, that you can survive it with your sanity intact. I think Ken, Nathan, Isabel, and I will always be different from going through this. Some part of all 4 of us has shifted and changed. For the kids, I hope it's a small part for the negative effects, but hopefully will show them that love endures no matter what and will show them what really is important in their lives.

My children have been so strong and brave throughout all of this. I am so very proud of them to see how they have handled themselves during this hard time. I know I have not been there for them as I should be since Clara died, and I feel bad for that, but they have been so unbelievably mature and understanding. We've spent a lot of time talking to them about why things are the way they are, and that it will get better. They each have their own little photo albums of Clara and keep them next to or under their pillows. They know that I will probably cry when we talk about Clara, but I told them that it's ok! They get sad about her and we tell them that it's because we all love her so much and miss her desperately so. It means she matters to us. I was going through my emails and putting ones about Clara in a separate folder when I found the video I had made announcing our pregnancy with her. I put it on and watched it. Bella came downstairs and heard the song and started crying. She knew which video I was watching. She wanted to watch it with me, so I let her. When we announced Clara's existence, I had written, "Someday two will become.......three". She said that line out loud and has kept to that. She knows we have 3 children, even though one of them is in Heaven. For the first little bit, Nathan had been really closed off to talking about Clara or even wanting to look at her pictures. We were fine with that. No way were we going to force him in this area. Grief is definitely its own journey. One day, Nathan watched the video I had made of Clara after she was born. When he was watching it, he broke down and cried for a long time. I comforted him for a bit, but he wanted to be left alone so I respected his wishes. Since that day, he seems so much happier and at peace. He finally came to terms with what had happened to Clara. He now looks at her pictures when he wants to and seems lighter, like a great weight has been lifted off of him. I hope Ken and I are doing the right things in helping the kids along. We are doing our best and I think are doing quite well with it! We are all healing and it is getting easier.

Clara's name means Clear, Bright, and Shining. When she first died, I couldn't see anything clear, bright, or shining about her or her life. Only recently, I realized that that little baby was definitely clear, bright, and shining. It was the perfect name for her. Her essence and memory radiate out and just burn with light. We look up at the sky and look at the stars and know that our Clara is smiling down at us from that night sky. Burning brightly and calming our thoughts. She is our Clear and Bright Star, shining down on us from Heaven.