Friday the 13th

Three months ago today, on January 13th, also Friday the 13th, our sweet little girl was born. Today, on April 13th, also Friday the 13th, we were able to pick up her death certificate. I am not superstitous when it comes to Friday the 13th, so it didn't bother me at all to have her born on that date. It actually made that date even more beautiful in my mind. Then to get her death certificate on Friday the 13th too. It felt right. When the lady at vital records told me they had her death certificate there, I was excited but got teary eyed too. Grief is so weird. I'm excited to have her death certificate. But, I'm excited because it's just one more thing that I can have of her. I cherish it all. Her first and middle names weren't on the original because the hospital hadn't filled in that information, so we had them do an amended death certificate. Her last name was on it, but we wanted her full name recorded. While waiting for her death certificate to be prepared, there were people coming in with their newborns. Babies who would be the same age as Clara. It was really hard to hear their little cries and to look at them. I remembered how it felt to hold a newborn and how sweet and perfect they were. I wanted to hold my Clara so bad. I tried to ignore the babies, but one was right next to Ken and I. I'm getting really good at NOT staring at pregnant women and babies. It hurts too much, so I just ignore them. That seems to help at least!

Her death certificate looks just like a birth certificate. It says her name, gender, where she was born, time she was born, lists her parents and our info. The only difference is that it says Birth resulting in Stillbirth. It's not a birth certificate, it is a death certificate. While all those mom's were picking up their babies birth certificates, we picked up our baby's death certificate. Very very weird. But it was so good to have her counted as a person. Her name and birthdate will be forever recorded. She was here. She existed. She meant something.