It is here. The day our precious child was due. It's been quite the road so far. It has been 2 months, 3 weeks, and 5 days since she was born. It's amazing that it's been so long! Our journey is far from over, but I am hoping that now that this day has come, it will really start to get easier. Time does help for sure. We love her and miss her, but I am starting to feel a small amount of peace when I think about her. It is a beautiful day. The sun is out, it is warm, and there is a slight breeze, it's hard not to feel good on a day like today!
When we found out that she was due on Easter, I felt a certain rightness about that date. I got pregnant with her right after my due date from the baby that I miscarried. I thought the sentiment was just perfect. Since I couldn't have that baby, I would have Clara, and what greater significance than to have her due on Easter. Easter means rebirth and life. Then we lost Clara. She died and Easter became a mockery. I knew there would be no life or rebirth for her, so her due date was just a cruel joke. There is a song that I remember from when I was a little girl. In the last few days, it has been playing over and over in my head, today it is an almost constant buzz in my thoughts. It's called Love Crucified Arose. It's about Jesus being crucified and then coming back to life. The line that keeps playing in my head is, "and the grave became a place of hope", and I do have hope that Clara is not really gone, not fully. Now, I feel that Easter is the perfect day for her to have been due. Although she did not spend much time with us, she has changed us so much. Easter is now the hope that life continues and can still be beautiful, and my perfect baby girl is always with us. Through Clara's death, I can see the beauty of life, and how very fragile and temporary it is. So now the question is what we will do with our lives.
I took these pictures today while the kids were looking for their Easter eggs. I love how the sun is shining so brilliantly and brightly. It looks like the sky is on fire. Like Heaven itself is opening up to us.
We went to the cemetery today to visit with Clara. Ken had wanted to make her an Easter basket, he wanted to make sure she got one just as if she had been alive today. I had wanted to do this also, so we put together her Easter basket last night as we put together Nathan and Isabel's. It was very bittersweet. How do you pick things for a baby that will never see them? And then putting her basket together was also emotional. It was also nice to know that she will not be forgotten and will always be so very much loved and cherished. Her color is purple, like the Sugar Plum Fairy she was named after, so the paper grass in her basket was purple, Belle's was pink, and Nathan's was green. It felt right for us to be putting together 3 baskets.
The cemetery had more people than usual today because of the Holiday. In the Baby Land section, other mommy's and daddy's had left Easter baskets and flowers for their little ones too. I wonder if I will ever meet any of these parents. It might be nice to meet the parents of the babies that are sleeping near Clara. We walked around the Baby Land section a bit and looked at the other babies' graves. In a way, it's like getting to know your child's classmates, except these are Clara's angel mates. We put a pink Easter egg and a flower on Lydia's grave too. I really am glad that Clara has her aunt so near to her. Clara's grave is still a little indented and her head stone is not there yet. Soon it should be, probably within the next couple of weeks. I can't wait to see it in person!
We got Clara a little stuffed chick, flowers, a pinwheel, a cute bunny basket, a pink star sucker, Easter stickers, a chocolate bunny, and various candies.
We also did a balloon launch again. Bella wrote Clara a letter and we got some balloons before we headed off to the cemetery. We even walked to a really open area. Unfortunately, the balloons got caught in the breeze, and floated right into the climbing tree........this is becoming a tradition for us! Maybe next time we will pay more attention to the wind!
Dear Clara, I miss you so please make me a sentence. I love you and if you would be here with me in April 8 in Easter I would give you every egg I see and Happy Easter.
Then she drew a picture of her, Nathan, an Easter Egg, Daddy, Me, and Clara in my arms.
Ready to release balloons
Hmmmm.....Balloons stuck in a tree.....again....
Leaving Clara today was harder than it has been on the other times that I have visited her. The time I can compare it to is when we actually buried her. That day, walking away from her grave site was sooo hard. I looked back at her grave as I walked to the car. I didn't want to leave her but my feet kept moving me away. Today was similar. Not as hard, but it was hard to leave her again. The only difference is that we left things for her and have been thinking about her a lot today.
We could see Clara's things at her grave from our car. Hers is the one in the middle of the picture.
Overall, today has been a good day. I hope that they continue to come. I think Ken is having a harder time today than I am. It's hard for him to think of her and her frailty after she was born. It's hard when we are both having hard days the same day. I always feel good when I go to her grave, or when I share pictures of her or things to do with her. It's a bit of a natural high in a way. I hope that Ken can find a way to think about her and not get so sad someday.
We love you so much Clara! We miss you like crazy and remember you every day!
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