Clara. We miss her like crazy. Overall, I think we are all doing ok, but I still worry about Nathan and Isabel. They are old enough to understand she died and to feel her loss. They will remember her forever and it has changed their lives. But, they are young enough to not understand everything, even their own feelings about it. At their ages, Nathan on the higher end of it, they are very egocentric. Something THEY did caused Clara to die. Some sort of magical means caused Clara to die. Something that could possibly grad hold of them or someone else that they care about and have them die too. They have learned a very hard lesson in life. That people that they love can die. That babies can die. That their sister can die. I know that sometimes it's very confusing for them and very sad. Sometimes they don't want to talk about her and other times, they do. Their feelings can be so conflicted at times. They both said that they DO like to talk about Clara. They like to remember her and think about her. Sometimes it feels good to talk about her and other times it makes them sad. When they are wanting to talk about her, I let them. They have to know that Clara is a safe topic and that their feelings are valid and that it's ok to talk about her even if they or others get sad. I've found the best way to judge how they are feeling at a particular moment is to just ask them. They are both pretty good at expressing their feelings and are quite good at letting us know when something is not ok.
One day, Nathan started talking about Clara. He had tears in his eyes and he said that he was so mad that he wanted to punch something. He asked why Clara couldn't have had the chance to live outside of me? Why didn't the doctors take her out the week before? Why did she die? He said he hated her cord for killing her. It's so hard watching your child grieving and knowing there's really not much you can do. I told him I didn't really have answers to his questions. Sometimes bad things just happen and that we made the best choice for her with what we knew at the time and that was to give her a chance to grow. With her cord, when the kids have been so angry at it, I told them that although it killed her, it also gave her life. I hope that helps them. Nathan does seem to be doing quite well however. He speaks so eloquently for his age. A couple of days ago he said, "fortune smiled upon me yesterday". It was so cute! I think his understanding of Clara's death and his acceptance of death is also advanced for his age.
Bella says that she wants a sissy that's alive. She says that she does have a sister and loves her, but she also wants one that's alive. I don't blame her! She was really looking forward to having a sister. Awhile ago she also said, "I guess that Clara won't be using the things we picked out for her". No sweet girl, she won't. She's also gotten angry and has asked why the doctors couldn't save Clara. It's so hard. Bella keeps any stuffed animal that represents Clara. Nathan and Belle both have their Clara lambs, but Bella confiscated a couple of others. One is a little pink monkey that Sarah got us when Clara was born. That is in her bed. The other is a duplicate of the chick that we got Clara for Easter. That is also in her bed. Along with Clara Lamb, Pony, George, and a stuffed cat she got for Christmas. Those 6 spend their days on her pillow and their nights wrapped in Belle's arms. I haven't actually given her the Clara animals, but they quickly disappeared from their spots and ended up in her bed. Hey, she obviously needs them with her! A month after Clara died, Bella's friends mom died. It was very sudden. Bella didn't tell me at first but I could tell that something was wrong, but she didn't want to talk about it. Finally, in passing, she just said that that the little girl's mom died. Oh dear. It was a hard hit for her.
The kids found a fire bug when they were playing outside. Apparently, Nathan saw that it's wings were broken so he decided to put it out of its misery. He picked up a big rock and smashed it. Then he and Isabel buried it, or at least pieces of it, and held a little funeral for it. They named the bug Twitchy. Hmmm, I wonder if it was twitching before they buried it. Bella made a picture of it and hung it on her wall. The next day Bella came home with a dead potato bug that she had named Whirly. She had it in a little Polly Pocket trunk. She opened up the trunk and showed me and sure enough, it was dead. She knew it. She wanted to keep it so I told her she could. She held onto that bug for days. Sometimes she would shake the trunk to hear the click of the dead bug against it. She would get sad off and on about Whirly and one day, Nathan told her, "Bella, everything dies. Someday you, me, mom, and dad will die. You can't keep that dead bug forever, it will eventually deteriorate". Sigh.
We have had some difficulties with the kids. Nathan has been angrier at times and seems less able to or wanting to deal with day to day stressors. He's quick to recover however and does seem ok overall. Bella has been lying about the dumbest things, to us and her teachers, calling me to tell me she's sick at least once a week when the teacher or secretary finally relents and lets her call me, acting and talking like a baby. She's much more emotional about things. It's hard to watch them struggle and I don't know how to help them. There is a grief support group for children close to our house that looks promising. They seem excited about it so we are going to check it out. Nathan and Isabel lost someone that they loved and cared about. They were so excited for Clara from the beginning. They had made so many plans of what they would do with her. Their want to see her was what made us officially decide to let them even see Clara. They WANTED to and both expressed that they wanted to see her. I think that was one of the best decisions we made throughout all of this. They understand each other so well and do really well together. As long as they have each other, I KNOW they will be alright. Nathan reads to Bella with voice changes and excitement and all, and Bella plays Nathan's games with him. They are an awesome pair! When we were at the hospital, the nurses told us that Nathan and Isabel were the best kids they had ever seen. You go guys!
Ken and I are also doing ok. We are working through it and the counseling is helping a ton. When we first found out that Clara died, I told Ken that the divorce rate is huge when your child dies. My doctor told us that, the nurses, more doctors, I felt that everyone was warning us. At first, it seemed unfounded. Clara's death brought us closer. We needed each other so much. As time went on, our grief became different from each others. Not more or less than the other, just different. We weren't understanding each other and little things because huge things and impossible to deal with. Day to day irritants couldn't be ignored. We were both hurting so much and not listening to or understanding the other person's needs. We fought so much and the kids noticed. That was the hardest part for me. It became a you hurt my feelings or you said this. Neither one of us had any patience for the other and the anger and resentment was building. I fully understand why couples break up after the loss of their child. It's not the actual death of the child, it's all the feelings that come after, how you change, what you are capable of dealing with, what you are wanting to deal with. You have your great grief and you have everyday life. It has nothing to do with how much you love your partner. Throughout 12 years together, I have never felt that Ken and I might not be able to work it out until now and that scares me. I have felt so alone so many times since losing Clara. I think that there is a part of grief that has to be handled alone. Sometimes that's all that there is. I know that Ken has tried his best to not make me feel that way, and I have done my best for him. Sometimes though, the pain makes the judgments. I also believe that we are fully committed to making this work and I have great hope that we will be able to do that.
** I am editing this post to also add that Ken and I ARE doing fine. We are definitely working through our issues and finding out new things about each other which seems a little weird after being together for so long! But it's also good as well. We are starting to spend more time with just each other and we are both doing our best to be understanding to the other ones needs and wants. It's a whole journey in and off itself!
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