Last night I dreamt about Clara. It wasn't a sad dream, or necessarily a good dream, but as my friend put it, it was a touching dream. Ken had written Clara a letter that he put in her casket with her. We didn't make a copy so those words are forever Clara's. In my dream, I wanted a copy, so we went to the cemetery and told them that we wanted that letter. They brought her casket in the room and left. Her casket was perfectly white and her flowers were still on top of it. We opened up her casket and she was as perfect as she was when we buried her. The letter was under her, so we lifted her out and layed her on the table so we could get the letter. Ken carefully got the letter out from under her and left the room with Nathan to make a copy of it. Bella and I stayed in the room with Clara. I looked at Clara and was so sad she was dead. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her little hand start moving. Just slowly moving back and forth. I stared at her hand. I figured it was just electric signals still being sent. Then, she started to breathe. Very slowly at first, but then her breathing picked up and got to a normal rhythm. She pinked up and her body transformed into that of about a 3 month old, which is how old she would be now. She opened her eyes and started to softly cry. Not too loud. I knew she wasn't scared or hurt, but that she was hungry. I picked up Clara and held her, patted her back, and whispered comfort into her ear. I yelled for Ken to come back into the room. He came in and asked what I needed. I told him to look at Clara. He looked at the table where she had been laying and looked back at me confused. I shook my head at him and pointed to Clara in my arms. I woke up after that, but I didn't feel sad or wanting to go back to sleep to keep dreaming of her. I looked at the clock and it was about 1:30 in the morning. I felt satisfied. I remembered the feeling of holding my daughter living in my arms and comforting her as she cried. I got to be her mama and take care of her needs. I can still feel how she felt in my arms as I was doing that and it's a wonderful feeling. It's so hard being the parent of a dead child. You can't DO anything for them but you ache to do anything for them.
A bit ago, I asked Sarah when I would finally awaken. Finally feel as if my head had cleared and I would feel more normal. When would I feel alive again and not just trying to make it through each day. She told me that I would when I was ready. Now, I feel as if I have finally awoken. Myself, my soul, is finally stronger than my pain. Oh how I miss my baby and desperately want to be her mama, but I cannot do that and I am willing now to accept that. Clara will always be in my heart and I will always carry her there, but I accept that it wasn't my job to guide her through life, to kiss her owies away, to sing her bedtime songs. It was my job to give her life and then let her go. I accept it but that doesn't mean I like it or that I am happy about it. I will continue on with my life though and know that I did everything that I could for my daughter. I do see now though, that I have to give my attention to my children that still need me. Clara doesn't need me even though we might need her.
There were so many days that I didn't think I was going to make it, days that I didn't WANT to make it. Sometimes I would jump up and frantically look around for something....I had so many emotions rolling through my head. I would walk around lost, wandering, nothing made sense. There was no where to go. The pain was almost unbearable inside. I wanted to leave myself because it hurt so much to BE myself, but there was no where to run. I would go for drives when I would get too upset or when I felt completely overwhelmed with my emotions. I would drive as fast as I could to help take that feeling away. Most of the time, I would end up at Clara's grave, or if the cemetery was closed, find myself driving by it. I wanted my baby. I wanted to be close to her. That's what calmed me down. Now, I feel calmer inside. More in control. Stronger.
I have awakened. My senses are clearing and in a way, it's almost like my own rebirth. I am coming out a little different, a little sadder, but I am coming out. I finally have my head above water and can breath a little easier. The pain is still there, but it no longer controls me all of the time. I no longer fear feeling good because I am feeling good for longer periods of time when it used to be so fleeting and I would feel worse because I had felt good when that great pain came back. Sometimes, I still curl up a bit because it hurts and I have to do my deep breaths, but I know I will get through it. I still love her, miss her, think of her. But, most of the time now, I feel more at peace when I think of her and don't get as angry. I think I'm coming to terms with her death. There is the saying that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I saw another saying that I thought was also true. It said, "I don't know if it's killing me or making me stronger". I feel that almost everyday. Am I getting better? Worse? Will this kill me? Or make me stronger than I've ever been? Grief is such an interesting process.
I get a lot of anxiety when getting something for or about Clara. Getting her death certificate I was jittery and anxious. When I found out her headstone was in, the same thing. Even the day we buried her I was super anxious. I've realized that it was because I know there are no do overs when it comes to Clara. We have to get it perfect the first time. The small amount that we were given is all that we will ever get of her. I hold onto everything of her so tightly. I want every second to be a lifetime. Every picture to become 1000. But, I also try to remember that Clara DID live a lifetime. As short as it was, she lived her entire lifetime.
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